It is just amazing how full of discovery a day can be.

Today i realized something i never thought would be true. Winter is my favorite season.

I mean, think about it... this morning i'm up before dawn. I hit the gym. I did some work in the garage. I've driven all over town today.

I've always loved the snow... so i suppose it makes sense. However, people at work are giving me a hard time today because i hate to be cold.

And they're right... i absolutely hate being cold. However i look really fucking hot in winter fashions! =^)

However, today it is invigorating me. It's giving me this energy that i don't experience every day.

Of course, some of that could be residual traces of the other night. Let's just say T's a great kisser.

As this relationship builds... and any others (since i'm not technically dating right now)... i'm starting to have reservations about how much i want to share here. I suppose i'll just take that as it goes, but don't be surprised if anything happens i don't feel comfortable sharing.

For her sake, or mine... you know, to protect the innocent (or potentially guilty).

Anyway, it's almost time to go out and enjoy the winter weather! =^) You should do the same... unless of course it isn't winter where you are.

Oh, it appears someone i never expected to even show any interest has stumbled upon my blog. I'm not sure why... or what i think about that... but perhaps she'll learn something here. About me, about her, about us.

She'll always have a friend in me if/when she wants... but i cannot again promise anything more.

What i'm listening to:

Stop!
Erasure
Crackers International

This would be laughable if it wasn't so bloody likely. Via The Onion.

Either way, an entertaining read on a day when people might just be indoors reading.

Ok, let me start this by saying that i am not an expert on roads or cars or weather.

However, the recent storm system down here has led me to post on this subject.

I've never been able to understand why people cannot drive when the weather is bad. If everyone used common sense and practiced alert driving then the experience of driving in adverse weather and icy conditions is NOT terribly different from driving under normal conditions.

Think about this. If you are an alert driver (meaning you ACTUALLY pay attention to your driving and the road) and you keep your car in reasonably good condition then there is NOTHING your car can do that you shouldn't expect, barring catastrophic mechanical failure. Like any other tool, everything your car does is a direct result of what you are doing.

Repeat: Nothing your car can/will do should surprise you!

That doesn't change when there is a layer of ice on the road. If you park your car on a level, ice-covered parking spot, is it not exactly where you left it when you return? There's no magic, your car isn't going to do anything you don't tell it to do.

I'm not saying you should drive twenty miles an hour over the speed limit, however you should be able to manage more than ten miles an hour.

If you are too scared to drive at least 20-25... you probably have no idea what your car is capable of and should stay home.

As someone who learned how to drive in the Wyoming winter, my early high school years consisted of learning what a car can do in certain conditions. When the roads are icy, you don't necessarily need to slow down THAT much... but you do need to pay attention. It is going to take you much longer to get stopped, so blowing through that yellow light is probably a bad idea.

Yes, i realize there are other drivers out there. And most of them fall into this category of being oblivious to the power of the machine they are riding in. However, the above still applies. As a part of attentive driving you should always have an escape plan to any situation you are driving in.

For instance, in a front-wheel drive car, if you are bearing down on another vehicle and you aren't going to be able to stop... you can always drop a gear, turn the wheel, and change the direction of the car. Just knowing this has saved me a couple of times.

Finally, i'm not going to pretend that accidents aren't going to happen. Sometimes you really do have nowhere to go... but you should be able to anticipate that situation and adjust your speed accordingly IN ADVANCE of the situation.

Again, it all comes back to alert, attentive driving. If you spend most of your drive time while chatting on the cell phone... you should probably stay home when the weather's bad. If you aren't going to drive, let those of us who will drive that much safer.

Personally, i really enjoy driving on bad roads... because i have learned how to drive my car and how to anticipate everything it might do. It really doesn't require a degree in physics. Just remember every action has an equal and opposite reaction and keep that in mind and you'll be just fine.

Also remember, while driving on snow is not the same as driving on pavement or gravel... it is also not the same as driving on ice. Snow is not nearly as slick as ice and gives you a few more options. Just pay attention to what your car is doing and you'll learn that driving is still plenty enjoyable.

And stay out of my way! =^) Seriously, be careful and MINDFUL out there!

What i'm listening to:

Brother Love's Traveling...
Neil Diamond
Brother Love's Traveling...

Sometimes, i suppose we just have to take the good news with the news that just sucks.

Apparently with the impending ice storm, classes are cancelled this evening. That gives me a boost in studying time even though i don't get the library access i don't really need other than the lack of distractions there.

Unforunately my evening plans open wider than i'd hoped... because i won't be able to get my workout in tonight. =^(

Oh well. I suppose i'll manage.

And, oddly today i'm getting desperate in my music selections. =^\

What i'm listening to:

Baby, One More Time
Britney Spears
Baby, One More Time

So, last night (this morning?) i'm in the grocery store with a baggie of apples, another with oranges, and package of vanilla wafers and a half-gallon of milk when i start hearing video game music.

My phone only rings with video game music when someone special is calling... this time it was T₂.

We met for drinks, darts and billiards. She kicked my ass at the dartboard, i returned the favor at the pool table. We ended up closing down the bar.

But neither of us was ready to go home, so we found a nice, quiet section of parking lot and sat in her car and talked.

Among other things. It was almost like being a teenager again.

Finally, she had to go... and i needed to try to get to work on time this morning (i failed), so we parted ways.

However, we had a lot of fun hanging out together... so i'd like to think she'll call again.

Winter is making it's triumphant return to the heartland today... and since i was running about an hour late for work this morning, i'm here without gloves while a thin layer of ice is accumulating on my car.

Yay.

At least i thought to put my ice breaker in my coat pocket so i'll be able to get in... and i have my "li'l girl" gloves at work i can use tonight. It's all good.

Ice scrapers are nice, but in a pinch cassette tapes work very, very well. I had a Journey cassette that i used for two winters in a row!

Keep warm and safe out there, both of you! =^)

What i'm listening to:

Rocket Man
Elton John
Honky Chateau

Not surprisingly, i've been a jackass.

My inner "drama queen" really got me good last week. I *didn't* blow it with D... in fact, quite the contrary. Yesterday, she asked for my phone number.

Of course, asking for a phone number and actually using it are two very different things... but that's ok. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.

Besides, i'm still going to stand by my decision not to date. It is time to build new friendships and see where they go. It is not time to rush into anything.

As far as my obsessing over being narcissistic... well, that's just entirely counter-productive. I acknowledge that i may be a little too self-involved at times, but i don't think i am any worse than anyone else i know.

Certainly i'm not excessively so... and as long as i'm aware of it, i should be ok.

In fact, since i've noticed my narcissism and have been keeping aware that i am a bit self-involved i've observed that my interactions with others have been more interesting, pleasant... and productive.

See, i am growing as a person! =^)

I haven't mentioned my weekend yet... there isn't too much to tell, i suppose. I did meet a couple of lovely young ladies at the bar Friday night. Then i went to another bar and met a couple more lovely young ladies. All in all, it was a good night.

Saturday, i opted to stay in.

Sunday, i ventured out for one of the best Bloody Mary's in town only to find Michelle wasn't working. =^( I did get to sample the bartender's German Chocolate cake, which was awesome, and chatted it up with a gal i knew there who's recently single again.

Very exciting, i know... to be honest, the entire weekend i kept feeling like there was something i should be doing that i wasn't. Since the rec center was closed, what could i do?

What i'm listening to:

Dreamaniacs
Bettie Serveert
Attagirl

I always thought the story of Echo and Narcissus went something like this:

Narcissus was a vain young man, who was in love with himself.

Echo was a shy young lady who was unable to say anything... except to repeat what others have said.

Echo fell in love with Narcissus, but was totally unable to tell him how she felt. So, she faded away into an echo.

As punishment, the gods forced Narcissus to fall for the reflection of his own image in the pond... where he would eventually waste away.

I know my memory has futzed this myth up since the seventh grade, but after doing some research it appears i'm not terribly far off from what is written.

There are some variations of the story, and if i continue looking i may even find one that shows my memory to be more accurate than i realize.

I've been researching narcissism, because i need to understand my enemy. If i am going to control my narcissistic tendencies, i need to become aware of if and when i am being too self-involved.

Apparently, Freud believed that narcissism is part of us when we are born. I suppose that makes sense, because when we are so young and helpless all we can do is want... and our world of awareness doesn't really expand beyond our bodies.

Admittedly, i'm not overly concerned with the world around me. Some of that is the "drama queen" that lives inside me. Other parts revolve around the society we live in where it is each man/woman for him/herself. I have to look out for number one.

If i'm going to start sharing myself in relationships with others... whether they be friends or lovers... i need to be aware of Narcissus inside of me and actually learn to be interested in others. I need to realize that others are just as important as i am.

And actually, i do realize other people are just as important. Granted, they are probably living in their own narcissistic little worlds as well, but i need to be ready for when i meet that special someone who wants to make me just as happy as i want to make her.

While on that subject, i think i figured out something in the aftermath of Wednesday's disaster. I'm definitely ready to date again... because i've made the decision that i don't want to. Right now i crave companionship and friendship. I need to re-learn how to be social... maybe even pick up some new skills. However, dating someone is totally out of the question.

Fulfilling the mission, however, is not. =^)

Awareness will be the key... as they say, "Knowing is half the battle." As long as i am aware of if/when i'm being selfish, boring, or otherwise too self-involved... maybe i'll be able to exercise spin control and save the situation.

What i'm listening to:

What the Hell (I Love This Girl...
Cameron McGill
Stories of the Knife and the Back

Ok, so i need to work on my narcissism... big time.

It's probably my worst character flaw. I am terribly self-involved, and because of that i may never have another girlfriend...

I guess what disturbs me most about it is that i just don't seem to be able to loosen up and have fun and, more importantly, BE fun.

I know D finds me charming and funny and likable. So, did i really blow it?

I don't suppose it even matters. I've made the decision not to date anyone for a while.

That's not to say i'm not going to go out and pick women up and have fun and be naughty. I'm just not going to seek anything beyond friendship for now.

A whirlwind romance would be fun, but i need to stop staring at my own reflection first.

While i believe change is possible, i think character flaws are next to impossible to correct... so things will indeed get interesting.

I wish i didn't have this flair for the dramatic. Did i always have it? Yeah, i'm afraid so... i see it in my father's side of the family. For whatever reason, everything that happens is such a big deal.

This is what causes my hang-ups.

The next question i have to ask myself... can i blog without being so narcissistic? After all, aren't all blogs a creation of self-love and tendencies of that "drama queen?"

I suppose we'll find out.

Hope everyone had a fabulous turkey day. I did what any good American would do and ventured up to the Indian reservation last night and took money from the natives last night.

That's not as bad as it sounds. I had a rare good night at the casino. And i ran into T₂, which made for a very, very late night. Details on that to follow.

However, i will say now that i seemed to be her good luck charm. She left the penny slots with $50.

And, believe it or not... we had fun. Maybe as long as i am conscious of the queen living inside me, maybe i can keep her under control.

Maybe.

What i'm listening to:

Empty Garden (Hey, Hey Johnny)
Elton John
Jump Up!

The aftermath:

Tonight, i sit here thinking maybe 'A' had a very good point. Perhaps i am un-date-able.

Ok, where did this sudden burst of negativity come from? Well, let's just say that i blew it with D.

Yes, blew it.

And now that that is over, all i can do is analyze what happened during the aftermath.

What happened? I happened... just like with C and T and everyone else prior.

I've got some issues... major ones, in fact.

I have this complex with myself at the center of the universe. I think i get it from my father... anyway, i am incredibly freaking uptight.

I realize that i don't know how to just let myself go and have fun. Everything i do has some ulterior motive... there's always got to be something in it to satisfy my endgame.

So, perhaps D is truly better off if i just drop completely out of her life. After the way she blew me off tonight, that would probably suit her just fine.

And maybe i'm just not ready to date yet... which might be wise. Last thing i want to do is end up in a self-destructive relationship like C is currently in.

I guess the damage from the end of my relationship with C runs deeper than i expected. It's possible i'm not ready to date yet. I should just worry about getting my house in order, and work on my life and then meet new people.

While i'm on the subject of people leaving, tonight i learned that the head bartender at a second club i frequent is having a going-away party on Friday night.

Tonight, i had a good chat with him... he's great, and i'll miss talking to him. He did say that there should be lots of women at his going away party... so it might be worth my while to be ready for that! =^)

Not to date, of course... i'm clearly not ready for that.

What happened with D? I'm still working that out... i'm afraid it is something in my character that is going to have to change. In fact, i'd already figured out it was something in my character... i just don't recall what i need to do after the drinks i've had to night.

So, i suppose i'll have to revisit this post at a later date.

W00t, something to look forward to!

Hope everyone has a great turkey day!

What i'm listening to:

Who Wears These Shoes?
Elton John
Breaking Hearts