Because it’s not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

What i'm listening to:

Carnival
Natalie Merchant
Tigerlily

As a child, the public school system and my parents and society in general indoctrinated me with the absolute horrors of sex. I really think the goal was to make kids terrified.

Of course, it wouldn’t work on all of the kids... but on the introverted kids who always overthink things, it worked. Too well.

As an adult, in the dating world, it has presented me with a terrible dilemma.

You see, as an adult I am still learning to detach from outcomes... from expectations. And I’m learning that the release from outcomes and expectations is quite. simply. wonderful.

I now understand life is not meant to be 100% planned. It is frequently better to just flow with the tide and see where you end up.

And you end up in some beautiful places. With some beautiful women. In some incredible situations. And you get... lucky.

Very. lucky.

So, you decide to prepare for the next opportunity. Protection. It’s responsible. It’s the thing to do, right?

It turns out that there is a fine line between letting go of outcomes and carrying a condom in your pocket. And it’s enough to salt your game.

By simply carrying the condom, you’re telling your subconsciousness you’re expecting to have the sex.

And that’s enough. It changes your body language, the way you present yourself, your actions, your words. And she can pick up on that.

If her self-esteem is low, or if she’s incredibly horny, it may not matter so much.

But if she’s so hot. Or she’s unsure about how far she wants to go with you. It’s enough. She can sense that you want something from her. She becomes an object. She goes on guard. She decides that cucumber will suffice for the evening.

And you’ll go home alone.

Which explains why so many “players” in my life managed to get in “trouble” so many times. They go in without expectation. That freedom alone increases their attractability ten-fold. They are SEXY.

Some girls carry protection... they don’t want to get in “trouble” either. But many don’t. And if you don’t, and things happen.

Acceptable risk? Perhaps.

I have a friend who’s facing the same crux. But he has an advantage. He’s a total transient right now. Everything he has is within reach. Meaning condoms aren’t necessarily with him because he’s ready for sex, they’re with him because, well, where else would they be?

There must be a balance. Maybe it’s just managing the mindset. Taking the release of expectation to the next level.

It’s time to find out.

What i'm listening to:

S&M
Rihanna
Loud

As long as I can remember, I’ve always been a deep thinker. Maybe what I think about is nonsense, maybe it’s not, but it’s always there. I am always watching what’s happening in my life from a viewpoint outside of my person. Weird, right? It’s a bit like watching a movie... albeit, not a very good one.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot about happiness, embracing my introvertedness by being me first, reinvention, and getting in flow. However, one trap I fall into by reading too much and devouring knowledge is that my focus shifts to the reading and learning.

As if I’m preparing for a test.

In high school and college, I was a test taker. Math tests, science tests, history tests, I could ace them all with little to no preparation. After high school, I abandoned mathematics and the sciences because it seemed there was only one right answer (maybe two) and the rest were wrong. Following that realization, those classes that had previously been my strengths bored me.

In college, I became a history major. I feel like now, while I enjoy learning about history... even find passion there at times, I became a history major for the wrong reasons.

I was fascinated with the essay exam. Here was a test with no clear cut right answer. Here was a test where not knowing the answer didn’t necessarily equal failure. Intriguing, right?

So, I mastered the essay exam. Again, I’m a test taker... but somehow still lacking the practical knowledge I was supposed to learn.

Go ahead, ask me what I learned from Dr. Birkholz’s biology class about cells. Ask me how to find the limit of an equation. Ask me how to conjugate verbs in French. I don’t recall.

Ask me what I remember about Ms. Curtiss’s history lessons, and I’ll say I remember how great the girl who sat next to me looked, smelled, and made me feel. every. day. And maybe a little about enlightenment and the French Revolution.

Fast forward to today. I am currently 23 books in my yearly goal, and each book has great information to offer... but even that information, absorbed so recently, is slipping away. Sigh.

Inspiration never seems to last, and the darkness always returns. Focus dissolves as the distraction of a pretty blue-eyed blonde with perfect freckles on her perfect tits presents itself. And I know how to get her too. I have learned so much about making the perfect girl my own... someone to share life with. I have learned so much about never settling.

Yet, unapplied knowledge just slips away. I can never seem to slip outside of my mind long enough to apply practical knowledge and make it stick.

Then there’s the darkness that is always lingering not far... the darkness that, ironically, is a result of my enlightenment. So many people I meet have faith. Faith in God. Faith in people. Faith in the planet. Faith in humanity. Faith in the sciences.

All I see is an end goal. One that is the same whether you’re a happy person... or you’re not.

One may bask at the warm fire of faith or choose to live in the bleak uncertainty of reason—but one cannot have both.

So true.

I know there is an abundance in the world, and I need to lose this scarcity mindset and never settle. But, as mentioned earlier, the Tinder girls are looking for more than a match. They no longer look for sex without strings, they’re hoping to find true love. They may find it.

But for all the abundance in the world, I’m feeling lonely. I have yet to meet the girl who revs my engine that doesn’t lose me with her own limiting beliefs.

It may be time to focus on me again. Start applying this newfound knowledge before I lose it forever. Find me, then maybe she will find me too.

What i'm listening to:

Dancing in the Dark
Bruce Springsteen
Born in the USA

Sometimes, I just have to ask myself how I’ll survive the vampires.

After finishing Quiet, I’ve learned why everyone seems to be a vampire. I’ve discovered that glorious solitude is actually something I need to recharge.

I now know why I frequently need naps after social interactions. Why I avoid questions from others and don’t ask any myself. Why even the briefest and most innocent interruption can disrupt my flow.

I’m just that introverted.

The book did provide some pointers on presenting an extroverted façade and how to plan li’l escapes to get through being social. Those will be put to practical use... definitely.

Overcoming myself is the biggest hurdle I’ve enountered since I’ve learned to be social over the last several years. I do remember when I was learning how to interact with others and carry a conversation, I’d find one of those moments of flow... and when I was in flow, I didn’t get tired. In fact, I slept less at that point of my life than ever.

Hmm... maybe that’s what’s wrong with my growth at this point. I haven’t pushed far enough outside of my comfort zone to hit flow. Without it, I just look forward to escape. To solitude. To a rainy day nap.

Time to step up that game, work on getting better again, and push myself to do things that make me uncomfortable. To grow. To re-adopt the mantra that pulled me through the dark times.

Be social.

What i'm listening to:

Heavy
Collective Soul
Dosage