A good man died today.

He was ready. He lived a good life, had few regrets, and was at peace.

What a way to go. We should all be so lucky.

I learned a lot from my best friend’s father over the last month. His mind was sharp until the end, and I am grateful for the time I was able to spend with him and get to know him. And I’m glad I got to tell him so just yesterday.

This week is filled with reminders that life is short. Too short... at least too short not to live it.

Yet, I feel I have stagnated. I need to stop it. Why do I stall? Does it matter why I stall? I just need to stop stalling. Stop overthinking about everything.

I still have this tendency NOT to dive right in. Like a lawyer, I have to know what to expect from all angles before I move forward... only to be surprised by the unexpected.

The unexpected takes me off guard and out of flow. I get frustrated, freak out, and freeze. And nothing happens.

We don’t really fail as long as we keep moving. We only truly fail when we let our failures paralyze us, rather than learning from the mistake, and realizing it’s no big deal.

It’s time to stop stopping. It’s okay to pause, but stop taking a prolonged break from action. Stop letting the depression set in. Stop spiraling downward.

Stop being stagnant.

Stop being overwhelmed by the stench of failure, and hold your nose and jump right back in.

Stop letting life pass you by.

Admittedly, I am not an avid sports fan.

I’ll root for the local team. And I enjoy attending sporting events and games. And it’s great getting caught up in the energy!

People watching... and that crowd!

While I’m not necessarily a fan, I get that fans LOVE their heroes. And when one is lost? Well, I understand that too.

There’s no denying Kobe’s passion and dedication for the sport... in fact, for life! It’s infectious!

Admittedly, I did not know much about him before this weekend, but I must admit I am inspired by his passion, his audacity, his “don’t quit” attitude!

So, I wanted to share in this space.

It’s a strange feeling when someone you don’t know, but feel an immense connection to, passes. It’s confusing because, even though they didn’t know it, they were a huge part of your life. They changed you and made you laugh and cry and cheer and are hugely associated with good times and general happiness. It’s normal and okay. @crepesofwrath

To feel affected by a death of someone you don’t know, is to realize that our reach, our impact, our energy extends beyond the circle we perceive to be our own. Be careful with words, love and accept. Share, inspire and live an authentic life. Life is fleeting and you are powerful. @michellemonaghan

I am not great with words, so parts of the above are shamelessly stolen—yet the intent in posting them is sincere. My heart goes out to Kobe’s family and friends and everyone who loved him.

This is a friendly reminder that you will only get a limited time on this earth. Today is a good day to do something great.

I am finding that I am not a man of integrity. I’d like to think this is something I can correct, but as they say, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I’m currently dieting. I’m in my fourth round of my weight loss journey, and I find that holding myself accountable to my diet coach helps me to lose the weight I’d like to lose. The goal this round is 139.x... and I’m determined to get there even if I have to go beyond the twenty-one days of a “normal” round to get there.

Or am I?

I find that as I consume apples or oranges and water, that my weight throughout each morning continues to drop. So, as I fill out the accountability tracker, if I lose weight after I send the snapshot to my coach, I hedge the next day’s gains/losses.

For example, if I report my weight today as 146.7, but later today I weigh in at 146.2... I can use that tomorrow to show a loss.

Which I tend to do. Even if I weigh in at 149.5 tomorrow.

Do I lack integrity? Probably.

Do most people? Probably.

Does this make me a bad person? Probably.

Am I okay with this? Probably.

History has shown I do not have many scruples. For the last several months, I’ve been wearing a pullover jacket which I acquired from a seventeen-year-old girl. The year she died. I was twenty-three.

I don’t talk about the nature of our relationship. It’s really nobody’s business. Yet, I have this sweatshirt. I like it. I wear it.

I liked her.

It’s been hanging in my closet for years. Yet, sometime last fall, I picked it out and put it on. I’ve been wearing it ever since.

Yet, she’s not the one who haunts me.

Clarissa is.

Anyway, this month, I have been spending quite a bit of time with my ex-girlfriend’s father. Someone who I never thought I would spend any time with at all not long ago.

It’s amazing how perceptions change and cynicism passes. He’s a good man—I never doubted this. I, on the other hand, have never considered myself “good.”

Anyway, this man is dying. He’s a wealth of information... interesting information. And I find myself drawn to spending time with him. I bring him lunch, and we talk for hours. About nothing, really.

Okay, not nothing. I find I share many commonalities with him. Our affinity for old movies, and their soundtracks. I re-introduced him to grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. He’s re-introducing me to movies that defined the kind of man he is—and always has been.

He’s a man of integrity. He believes in the man who’s word is his bond. And that an oath is an oath.

After all, it should be. No one made you take the oath. If you take an oath, you should abide by it.

Yet, I’m amazed, that someone I always considered an anti-social curmudgeon is such a fascinating and social man... someone who has so much to teach in this short time he has left on this plane.

I don’t feel so guilty that I lack integrity. In fact, I have hope that I can still attain integrity. There are a few oaths I have taken in my lifetime, and time remains for me to see them through.

Perhaps I can be saved.

I used to take pictures. A lot of pictures. And I was good.

I could’ve gone pro. Some who saw my work figured I was. Yet, I never really made money doing it.

There is so much beauty in the world... just waiting to be captured.

And there's a word in Spanish I don't understand
But I heard it in a film one time spoken by the leading man
He said it with devotion, he sounded so sincere
And the words he spoke in Spanish brought the female lead to tears

Of course, he never states what this word is. Not once in the song. Never since in any interviews. (To be fair, though, has he been asked?)

Seriously, though, some of those Spanish-speaking leading men... I hope someday I can have that charisma. That passion. That smoldering look.

Those Latina women.

Recently, my desire to venture into Mexico and South America has increased. What an adventure it would be!

I’d love to learn to tango until dawn with a fiery woman. To live in a small villa. Oh, and the food!

Perhaps it is time...

What i'm listening to:

A Word in Spanish
Elton John
Reg Strikes Back

Yes. Bread makes you fat.

Maybe NOT in moderation, but the American diet is far from encouraging moderation.

I recall the “food pyramid” from growing up, that encouraged 55%-75% of your daily intake be carbohydrate. At the same time, science is working to make food more refined (read: cost efficient/cheaper). There are so many box dinners and cereals and quick solutions available today. And look at that price!

Even meat, with added fillers and even sugars, is so cheap!

But why are we sweetening our meat?

Why is our food supply poisoning us?

Yes, I’ve eliminated most carbs from my diet. I read labels, and when I do indulge in bread, most of the time I know the ingredients are wholesome—like grandma used to make.

I alternate a ketogenic diet with normal (yet moderated) eating. I have three to four “diet” rounds, six weeks in length, and staggered in between the normal periods.

I find that each time, it takes longer to start eating like an asshole, yet I still seem to be unable to sustain a diet of mostly whole foods with regimented “cheat days.” It eventually gets too easy to just eat like an asshole... every day.

I mean, Zingers are everywhere. And Pepsi (still no 1893, shame on you Pepsi). And doughnuts.

Overall though, I am maintaining a healthy lifestyle. My appetite is not nearly as big as it used to be, and my weight does not yo-yo. Plus, I used to obsess about being under 163... I have maintained that for over a year now, mostly weighing in in the 140s.

My goal? Quite simply—abs.

Plus, I’ve been regularly hitting the gym... my arms look better than ever, as well as my legs, and I’d like to think I’m finally developing pecs. Time will tell, I suppose.

Until then, salad and sadness resumes.

But look at those results!

Today, I was listening to some old power pop, and read/learned something new about The Knack’s timeless hit, “My Sharona.”

The Knack’s lead singer, 25-year-old Doug Fieger, met and instantly fell in love with 17-year-old Sharona, stating, “it was like getting hit in the head with a baseball bat.”

She inspired a couple of months worth of songwriting, posed for the iconic and brilliant single cover and follow up album cover, and frustrated Fieger by not returning his infatuations... although they eventually dated for four years.

As a hopeless romantic (emphasis on the “hopeless”), I think this is about the coolest fucking thing I’ve read in a long time.

And his frustration mirrors my own recently—only I lack talent in... well... anything.

Shamelessly stolen from the Wikipedia.

What i'm listening to:

Frustrated
The Knack
Get the Knack

A few years ago, when I resolved to read fifty books, I had no idea how that would change my life.

Truth is, now I prefer to read. Over movies. Over television. Over listening to music even.

Yet, over the summer I had a small crisis of faith over reading. I don’t recall exactly the spark that made me put that book down, but it was something like, “Why aren’t you living your life instead of reading about someone else’s?”

Profound.

And almost exactly the same reason I gave up the video games. And the television.

So, I shifted my mindset. I wanted to get out more... to interact with people, to travel. And my mission has shifted as well. Now I crave a transient lifestyle, and I’ve been taking actions to move towards that life.

I guess you could say, I figured out what I want.

Well, besides in addition to her.

Yet, something was missing. During those inevitable down times, I was craving a book. There is still value in what I can get from a book. So, perhaps, I’ll just give up books that don’t provide value—beyond mere entertainment.

Or at least keep them to a minimum. Not unlike the episode or two I watch of Fantasy Island each week now.

Of course, I am overthinking again. I simply need to stay true to my mission.

This year, I resolve to stop depriving ladies of exquisite pleasures. To go with it. Freely. I’m truly my own worst enemy... and I need to stop getting in my own way.

This will require stepping out of my comfort zone. This will require meeting every lady I meet, especially those I find dazzling or fascinating. This will require traveling and new experiences. This will require leaving the house.

The latter seems so obvious, but you might be surprised.

Anyway, as I find my annual reading lists valuable—especially as I re-read some books this last year—here is the 2019 list:

1. Consuming Angels - Lori Anne Loeb
2. Ghosted - Rosie Walsh
3. Losing My Virginity - Richard Branson
4. Hour Game - David Baldacci
5. Treasure Island - Robert Louis Stevenson
6. Meeting the Shadow - Connie Zweig & Jeremiah Abrams
7. To Shake the Sleeping Self - Jedidiah Jenkins
8. Stranger in a Strange Land - Robert A. Heinlein
9. Johnny Tremain - Esther Forbes
10. Awareness - Anthony di Mello
11. Christine - Stephen King
12. The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway
13. The Quick and the Dead - Louis L’Amour
14. Fire Storm - Robb White
15. Bare - Elisabeth Eaves
16. Memory Man - David Baldacci
17. Rethinking Narcissism - Dr. Craig Malkin
18. Projekt 1065 - Alan Gratz
19. The Charisma Myth - Olivia Fox Cabane
20. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty - Manuel J. Smith
21. Waiter Rant - Steve Dublanica
22. Sanford Meisner on Acting - Sanford Meisner & Dennis Longwell
23. For Us, the Living - Robert A. Heinlein
24. Frame of Reference - Jerry Oltion
25. The Dark Fields - Alan Glynn
26. Stillness Is the Key - Ryan Holiday