Just what is it about being in control that is so... well, so hard to let go of?

Today is going to prove to be interesting. My car is in the shop, so I'm dependent on friends, acquaintances and public transportation to get around. Of course, today I have more things to do than the average day.

I have lunch plans with a business associate, a couple of packages due to arrive on my front porch (of course, it is raining today... really raining), a package to pick up at the post office and another to pick up at FedEx (my new digital camera!! Yay!!), and it's drop day at the university.

I may have to drop my sociology class. The technology fairies have been very unkind to the professor over the last few weeks, and I don't care to get caught in a failing situation because of it. I'll probably stick it out, but I'll probably change to pass/fail rather than a letter grade.

At least it is raining. Normally, I don't look forward to the rain, but my car has been running pretty lousy on the wet days, which is why I put it in the shop... and since the forecast was for rain this morning, it just made sense.

Even if today isn't the best day to be without it. Oh well, if they fix it (without breaking me!) it'll be well worth it! I am worried about spending too much of my down payment on a house... which is crucial to hold on to.

I suppose I should get used to asking others for help. I don't know if it's stupid pride, my suppressed anti-social (sociopathic?) tendencies, or the feeling of owing someone something, but I've always felt I need to do things myself.

After all, if we don't look out for number one, who will? Right?

Yes, I know... step outside myself and check the view from out there.

It really isn't so bad, but I do need to settle for something other than glimpses of it. And, I truly believe the rewards will outweigh the costs.

So, what am I afraid of?

What i'm listening to:

Girlfriend
Avril Lavigne
Best Damn Thing

For the past week or so, I've had the strangest craving for a Big Mac. I suppose it may have started when I got my Shamrock Shake fix a couple of weeks ago.

Now, I'm not a big fan of McDonald's food... and cannot really eat there more than once or twice a year. When I'm forced to, I usually get the little hamburger to tide me over until I can get something a bit better for me.

When I splurge, it's either the Big Mac or the Filet O'Fish. There was a time when it was both.

I wonder where these can possibly fit into my diet. So far, I've learned that once in a rare while isn't terrible... and my current waist line backs that up.

Today, I decided to take the next step. I look good, and the girls think I look good... but I can still look better. I have never in my life been as close to a "six-pack" as I am right now, which means there is no better time than now to pursue that.

So, I scheduled an appointment with a nutritionist I've known for a few years, and we'll see what kind of diet will work for me. I'm pretty excited about it, because (as previously mentioned) I've never even believed it would be possible for me to look healthy.

My trainer told me that, in order to get the six-pack, I'll have to watch what I eat. I can build muscle, and I can be healthy, but until I develop the nutrition component I'll probably never get rid of the fat roll in my belly.

Which is all that's left... at least all that one can easily see/find.

I wonder if my genetics can prevent the six-pack. I suppose that is a possibility, but I won't know until I take that step... so, here goes!

On a side note, since no one comments here (although I can see people are reading)... would anyone be willing to buy me the new(-ish) Cameron McGill CD? It's on my wish list. ;^)

What i'm listening to:

The Summer Dress Step
Cameron McGill
Stories of the Knife and the Back

What a fabulous day! Today, I got confirmation that my hard work and the social hiatus that has come with it is paying off.

You see, this semester I've been taking online classes only. I wanted to have a semester which doesn't require my busting ass across town during rush hour four days a week. Now, I won't say that online classes require less time (actually, I think they require more, but you can set aside a six to eight hour block on a Saturday, or two four-hour blocks late at night), but they do add an element of convenience... which is nice.

Anyway, because of my online semester, today was my first visit to campus during the "normal" school day. And what a fine day for a visit it was.

Last spring, there was a beautiful blonde in my history class. She was always friendly, but we never had the occasion to actually talk. However, there was one day that she walked into the classroom dressed, well, she was dressed very nice. She was wearing a pin-striped business skirt and jacket.

Anyway, she looked at me as she walked in, and apparently I had a reaction, because she asked me what that was for. Well, she looked hot!

Today, was a good day to meet with my advisor about my schedule for next fall... because she was in there too.

Only this time, she was checking me out. She wasn't hiding it either... just looking up and down me and smiling.

I couldn't help but return the eye contact and smile... after all, she was dressed very nice herself!

It is too bad I'm not ready. Soon, I will be, but not yet. At least I know that I'm again able to generate attraction. It was just the nugget I needed to know that I'm doing the right thing.

What i'm listening to:

Chelsea Dagger
The Fratellis
Costello Music

Today marks the first day I've worn size 28 jeans in over ten years. I also discovered today that the "straight leg" jeans, at least when they are this small, are for guys with skinny legs. Since my legs are getting to be pretty fit, I'm going to have to go back to "relaxed fit."

This week has been unusual for me. Yesterday, I got an early start and decided to try the early morning workout. It was actually a pretty good workout, I weighed in (159 lbs.), did my shoulder workout, then walked/ran 1.5 miles. I didn't even feel tired at work!

This morning I woke up at four, so I went and did my cardio workout... which only consists of running/walking. I ran 2.2 miles and walked about a mile before and after. Another good workout...

Working out in the morning, I discovered something I would have believed was a myth... had I not seen it with my own eyes.

No, it has nothing to do with cute girls working out in the morning. That might be a myth! ;^)

Both MTV and VH-1 actually show music videos in the morning! I had no idea!

It's odd, because today's generation probably doesn't even realize those channels used to play music videos all the time. When I was growing up, I loved MTV. It was the main reason I looked forward to staying with my aunt and uncle, because we didn't have cable.

Anyway, there's still something about videos that simply enraptures me. So, if I can continue to stay up on my sleep... maybe I'll continue the early morning workouts for a while longer.

Finally, today's quote of the day...

"A world without you is a world I could only wish for."

What i'm listening to:

Johnny Feelgood
Liz Phair
Whitechocolatespaceegg

You've got to feel it in your blood, play the game like you've already won.

Some of my coworkers would make the argument that there is never a good time to listen to Winger. However, I think that song's lyrics offer some pretty good advice!

It provided some of the inspiration for my yearly goals. Also, it reminds me not to take the situation so seriously and just play the game.

Another reminder that I have to step out of myself and stop thinking a situation into inactivity.

As this year is moving along (rather swiftly!), I'm finding this is the hardest demon to conquer. For the first couple of months, I had myself stretched rather thin with volunteer obligations and social functions... thin enough that March has been a "play catch-up" month for my school work.

Which means no socializing, and a lot of staying home. I guess my joking that I gave up picking up women for Lent isn't too far off!

I'm working on keeping a to-do list... at least weekly, with the goal of getting things crossed off of it. Right now, my "me" time is limited to an hour in the evenings (usually spent reading/watching television), and a few on the weekend. With family obligations across the state, a lot of the weekend time is spent in the bloody car!

Oh, if only my textbooks were available in audiobook format. Or I could speak my homework into my iBook and have the computer write out my assignments for me.

Last night, I decided to postpone my trip "home" until May. That means the old high school will be gone before I get up there... but I'm finding I just can't make the early April trip work. If I didn't lose two to three days in driving, it might be possible.

C'est la vie.

I also had a couple of dollar margaritas to help soften the blow of my decision. It was almost weird being back in a bar... because it has been a while. I'm not sure I'm ready for that scene yet. I need to learn to leave my problems and cares at the door... and just have fun.

Somedays I worry that I just don't know how to have fun, and I'm concerned that I've never been terribly friendly. So, how do I learn to reverse that?

Again, it's pretty simple... I just need to get over myself.

Simple... in theory, anyhow.

What i'm listening to:

Live It Up
Mental as Anything
Fundamental as Anything

Nope... no matter how hard I try, I don't have anything to say today.

Except maybe today is the first time I've tried the "Shuffle Songs" option on my iPod. I suppose any song that comes up that gets skipped that isn't an audiobook or podcast can automatically get cut, right?

Oh, happy first day of spring! Go balance an egg or something! =^)

What i'm listening to:

Telefone (Long Distance Love...
Sheena Easton
Best Kept Secret

For those who are unaware, I'm in love with Rachael Yamagata. Ok, maybe not her personally, because, after all, I don't really know her... but I do love her music!

My first discovery of Ms. Yamagata was in St. Louis three years ago. The ex and I drove over for the Liz Phair concert. Ms. Yamagata was the first opening act.

It's funny, because that night, I didn't really get into her music... however, I was enthralled by watching/listening to her guitar player Cameron McGill. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm usually the one watching the girls... especially one as stunning as Rachael.

Both of them stuck in my head... even after Liz Phair came out minutes later. It was a great concert!

Anyway, that June, Happenstance came out and I happened to stumble upon it the weekend it was released at Hastings. On a whim, I picked it up... because I did remember enjoying her music. It also gave me an opportunity to flirt with the cashier, because she had heard the album and loved it as well. She even told me about her favorite track on the disc, which I discovered on the drive home hadn't been played at the concert.

This album is still in my top ten albums of all time. I love it and can always listen to it straight through. There aren't many I can say that about... which may seem strange considering the huge audiophile I am.

When October rolled around, I found out that she was going to be playing at a club in Lawrence, Kansas... I immediately bought tickets! The notice was too short, so the ex couldn't make it, but I did take a good friend with me, and we enjoyed it.

And after the show, I met Ms. Yamagata. Let me just say that the pictures you find of her don't do her justice. She's very sweet, and I had my copy of Happenstance signed, as well as a couple of souvenirs I'd picked up for C. I even snapped a few photos. I also picked up Cameron McGill's album (exceptional in its own right), and had the opportunity to chat with him.

It has been nearly three years since Happenstance came out. I'm hoping for a new album, but there isn't any sign that one is coming. Checking her website, it appears she's still doing the small tour here and there... most recently opening for Ryan Adams, whose music I'm unfamiliar with.

Maybe someday soon, she'll tour the midwest again. Until then, I'll just keep checking the tour dates and hoping for that new album.

What i'm listening to:

Known for Years
Rachael Yamagata
EP

Today would have been a fabulous day to stay in bed. Well, at the very least in would have been a great day to play hooky.

Actually, work isn't going so bad, either... it's everything else. Today, I'm quite simply pissed off at myself.

My lack of attention to detail and my chronic procrastination has put me way behind in my sociology class. I find I'm no longer accustomed to instructors who enjoy grading materials. Since beginning my college career, the homework hasn't been graded. I learned long ago that doesn't give license to blow it off, because doing the homework helps prepare for the upcoming exams. However, this class is the first I've had since high school where home accounts for more than half of the grade. That, and there is a lot of it! Every question at the end of every chapter needs to be turned in for a grade.

Like I mentioned before, she must love grading homework!

My lack of attention in combination with my chronic procrastination also cost me more in bank fees today than I'll earn this year in interest. I opened a checking account because of the offer they made to tie it to my savings account for overdraft protection. I thought this was something automatic, and when opening the account, I didn't inquire about it.

Because I thought I had it, I didn't watch my account as closely as I should have. I intended to sign up for their online banking so I can keep an eye on things... which is a bonus in today's banking world... but I never got around to that.

So I didn't know that a check had taken almost a month to clear. Combine that with not writing down one ATM withdrawal and... well, the check got returned. My first one of those in over 15 years. Purely my fault for not verifying that I had the overdraft protection, for not following up and checking online, for not entering that one ATM withdrawal in the register.

I still think their fees are exorbitant... this error will cost me nearly $100 in banking fees. All because I didn't verify the overdraft protection when I opened the account. Let this be a lesson to anyone who reads this.

Of course, anyone who reads this probably isn't an idiot like myself!

That lack of attention to detail will probably directly deposit my federal tax refund in someone else's account too... wouldn't that be a peach?

This morning, I was fortunate enough to follow someone who doesn't know what the little lever on the side of the steering column is for.

I remember attending a poetry reading last year, where the poet commented on how the farther one travels east, the worse the drivers are. Having been raised west of here... I cannot disagree!

You just cannot trust a turn signal here unless you see it go on. If the light is flashing, beware! It was probably on when they bought the car!

Seriously... and what is it with the dirty looks people shoot you when they slow down to 5 m.p.h. a block ahead of the turn they aren't signaling for and you bear down on them. Granted, maybe I shouldn't bear down on slowing cars, but they should be signaling their intent as well!

Anyway, my rants are just from today. The weekend was mostly uneventful. I got my crawfish etouffeé fix, hung out with my dad, and managed not to make it to the mall to go clothes shopping... something I was mourning until today's discovery!

Oh, and I even attended my first hockey game of the season. I suppose it means I'm less of a hockey fan than I used to be... I spent the entire time checking out/talking to girls. Even met a couple of the team dancers.

But the highlight was what I observed at the gym on Friday evening. One of the gals in reception sent a bottled drink up to the gal in the fitness loft... wait for it... via the elevator! Seeing that absolutely made my day! =^)

What i'm listening to:

Miss Independent
Kelly Clarkson
Thankful

I have to admit that after taking four months to read Saint Augustine's Confessions that my goal of reading eighteen books this year was becoming unrealistic.

It was a fantastic book, a very deep introspection of a sinner who became a saint back in the four-hundreds. He gave me a lot to think about, and provided some inspiration to make some changes in my life.

Prior to that, I read Bram Stoker's Dracula. Another outstanding book, and I finished it in about three weeks.

Sure, I can blame homework, many late nights, and the fact that I was watching a bit of television when I could have been reading... but more than anything I think it is a reflection on contemporary versus classic literature.

It's a combination of the writing style employed by the author with the changes in the way society thinks. Maybe our minds just cannot absorb the deeper thoughts and rich descriptions quickly. We're a tee-vee/internet generation who love the dialogue.

Last night, I finished up John Saul's Perfect Nightmare. I finished it in two nights. Yes, it was a thriller, and that alone makes it a page turner, but the novel didn't run as deep as the previous two. That's not to say I'm going to forget what I read, or that I didn't like it, or that it didn't make me think.

Or is it?

One reason I've always been able to keep "thrillers" on my shelf is that I have an uncanny knack for forgetting how they end. Considering the ending is usually the most climactic part, that's a bit disconcerting.

In fact, if I were to look at the thrillers in my collection... from Stephen King and John Saul and a few others, I can glance at the cover, remember if I liked/didn't like the book, maybe recall a scene or two (or more if I've read it a few times), and occasionally decide to read it again.

A John Saul book I read years ago... The Unwanted, which introduced me to the author, has been back in my "to read" stack for a while now, working its way to the top.

Anyway, I have officially started and finished one book this year... and it is still early enough to attain my reading goal. Before falling asleep, I started reading J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan.

What i'm listening to:

Goodbye Mr. Mackenzie
Goodbye Mr. Mackenzie
Good Deeds & Dirty Rags