Thursday, July 20, 2017, 12:51 pm

Only ten remain...

I might actually achieve this year’s goal of reading fifty books. Just finished book #40.

Yes, that is a snapshot of 38/39 books read this year... the missing one was given away as a gift.

I am going to take a small break this week, however. Good things are happening. It’s time to take advantage.

What i'm listening to:
No More Tears No More Tears
Ozzy Osbourne
No More Tears

Wednesday, July 19, 2017, 1:54 pm

Sad day

This is Odie. A beautiful li'l dog who gives no fucks. Seriously, you can't help but fall in love with him and his personality.

And he's gone. Because a bad dog owner failed to keep his/her German Shepherd contained.

I am profoundly sad for Odie. An avoidable and senseless tragedy, if only people weren't so stupid.

Yes, people. The German Shepherd will likely be destroyed as well... another avoidable act.

Rest in peace, li'l buddy. I'll remember the joy you brought to our lives.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017, 8:28 am

Flight Risk

Flight risk

It’s time.

Time to skip town.

I feel it. Every instance of the day, I feel it.

As I drive to work, or to her house, or to the grocery store, or the movies, whenever the car is pointed west, I just want to keep going.

Colorado. The mountains. Maybe some snow.

I have the cash, but I also have obligations. We’ll see how much longer the obligations hold out over the drive to... well, drive.

What i'm listening to:
More Than Just a Dream The Walker
Fitz & the Tantrums
More Than Just a Dream

Monday, July 10, 2017, 8:56 am

That one girl...

A friend and I have a running hashtag: #rebuild2017. It’s symbolic of the rebuilding of our lives. He’s discovering life after divorce. I’m working on evolving and being less of a jackass.

Being the narcissist that I am—this post is about me, not him.

As long as I can remember, I have struggled with my own mind. In my defense, I’ve only recently become aware of the problem.

I had no idea the path to a richer life required actually living life: be aware, experience everything, stop thinking before you do. This is the path I’m working on, but I’m correcting decades of bad programming.

Some days, I do okay. I am evolving. I am less of a jackass... at least a little bit. I am doing things now. I am aware of those moments of overthinking, and I acknowledge that awareness and let it go. Most of the time. I know now that this is a never-ending journey. Mastery takes practice. Every. Day.

2017 is half over. I’ve read thirty-eight books out of my year’s goal of fifty. My passion for reading is reignited, which is good. This evolution into mastery will require revisiting many of the books I’ve read, and devouring any new books I find on the journey.

And when I socialize, I love telling people about what I’ve learned that makes a difference in my life. I practice what I can. Yet, some road blocks remain.

We all have this one person: in my case, this one girl. I’m not sure what it is about her...

Sure, she’s attractive. She has a great personality. She’s certainly got issues. And I struggle with my former self when I’m around her.

Years ago, when we met, there was a definite spark. There may still be, but she’s not the same. Now she’s the one who’s stuck in her head. She’s no longer enjoying life. She’s lost her passion. At least it looks that way from my point of view.

And now, she wants to spend more time together. Will we be good for each other? Can my positive changes affect her? Or will her current drama knock me off course?

I think I know the answer: I have to be strong. I have to continue on my path—and if I lose her, that’s a risk I have to take. No attachment to outcomes, only the journey.

Yet, she still has this effect on me. And I’m afraid she knows it. Time to be strong. Get out of her world. Bring her into mine. Or don’t.

What i'm listening to:
Two Vines First Crush
Empire of the Sun
Two Vines

Thursday, June 15, 2017, 10:16 am

What do you want?

Seriously. Do you even know?

If so, good for you. It’s likely most of us don’t. I don’t. As I’m learning more about myself and ascending toward enlightenment, I’ve discovered this is my road block. In fact, it’s my biggest road block.

This has been the recurring theme in my life. I’d say “currently,” but I think this has ALWAYS been the theme of my life. I don’t know what I want.

Knowing what I don’t want is not. the. same. thing.

Our minds trend toward avoiding what we don’t want rather than seeking what we want. The reason we’re repressed in this way isn’t relevant, because we’re programmed that way. Waxing philosophical won’t help find what we want. Even if we want to understand... understanding repression is a general goal.

Today’s nugget of wisdom I received reminds me to be super specific with my goals. None of this generalities nonsense.

So, what do I want?

Why do we get so stuck in living asleep? Why are we content to live inside our minds? The human condition is the human curse... one I must fight. every. day.

I am struggling to be aware of what’s going on around me. The cool air blowing on my skin. The beads of sweat on my forehead. The feeling of the plastic keys on my fingertips. The mellow music playing in my ears. The plastic of the earbuds resting only mildly comfortably in my tiny ears. The flavor profile of the Earl Grey latte I’m enjoying: the mildly peppery hint from the tea, the bergamot oil, the vanilla, the simple syrup, the cream.

I truly enjoy my tea.

I am learning to acknowledge that the thoughts are there, but it is not easy to keep them from dominating my attention. That is the secret. We can’t turn off the bullshit machine of the mind, but we can be aware of everything else affecting our senses... and aware that it is indeed bullshit. All of it.

Yet, this is one of the joys of being human. Dogs aren’t worried about anything. Dogs don’t have student loan payments, horrible bosses, cell phones, taste in music, or even have to worry about if that girl you’ve been seeing is cool with the fact you’re seeing a few others... even though she likely is.

Dogs don’t have to worry about double standards.

Dog is tired, dog naps. Dog is hungry, dog eats... if human-person is not there to feed in that moment, dog will find something to eat. Dog smells that bitch, dog mounts her. Dog life is simple. No worry.

Humans worry, but more enlightened humans can acknowledge the worry, keep it in check with the rest of his/her awareness... and accept that worrying is no excuse for not living.

So, what does that have to do with what I want?

Because I’m learning that all humans want something. And humans want all the time.

Wait, is that horseradish I smell? Ooh, I want some!

I want to eat. I want to taste horseradish on rare prime rib. I want to fuck that girl who keeps texting me pictures of her tits. I want to make her gush like a fountain.

Okay, variation on the theme. Yet, that is a step in the right direction. Goals.

So, instead of wanting to drive a nice car, it’s better to want that Lamborghini. Instead of wanting an office job with “upward mobility,” it’s better to want to be the CEO of an innovative startup that builds an app enabling runners to participate in virtual marathons from wherever they may reside. Instead of wanting to live in the mountains, it’s better to want to build that double-A-frame cabin in Northcentral Wyoming that is self-sustaining and isolated.

Deciding what you want enables you to figure out how to get there. Then, of course, figuring it out is a double-edged sword. Instruction is not equal to execution. This touches on possibly my second biggest obstacle. Apply what you’ve learned to go after what you want.

Learning is not enough, but more on that later.

No more bullshit. Figure out what you want and make a plan on getting there AND EXECUTE. Get what you want.

What do you want? What do I want?

What i'm listening to:
They Only Come Out at Night Hangin‘ Around
The Edgar Winter Group
They Only Come Out at Night

Monday, June 5, 2017, 8:15 am

It Isn't

It is what it is.

We’ve all heard it. Hell, we probably all say it. It is what it is.

Well, something occurred to me last night. It isn’t.

That’s right. Take a step back and think about it. What if it ISN’T what it is? Or if it is what it ISN’T? And have I found nirvana? Or at least Zanzibar?

Seriously though, think about it. Everything we know about ourselves and the world is running through the interpretation of our mind. It’s our version of what we see. When it comes to the past, everyone writes fiction.

What really is real? This moment... never have I ever understood the power of now more.

Yet, in a way, it’s a shame I’m getting these thoughts down on a page. Why? When you learn that experience cannot be put into mere words without losing the experience... well, let’s put it this way. I just finished Radical Honesty, and it told the story of a 1-year-old boy watching a jet cross the sky. The boy watches the jet in fascination, taking in the noise, the feeling of disruption in the air, the shape of the plane, the speed, the sky, the trails dissipating in the sky. The boy remains enthralled until the plane disappears, then the trails.

Then, the boy’s mind files away the experience under A for Airplane. When he’s 3-years-old, he hears an airplane flying overhead. He may look up and take notice, or he may not. He thinks to himself, it’s an airplane. And he gets back to what he’s doing.

Reliving the experience is inefficient to the human machine. It no longer is what it is, it is what he thinks it is.

Take love, for instance. You meet someone new. There’s a spark. You get lost in her eyes. You feel everything and nothing all at once. You want to feel that way... forever.

But you can’t.

Feelings don’t work like that. The mind files away the feeling—the memory of the feeling. And you spend the rest of your relationship trying to re-capture that feeling. And you drive each other crazy in the process. Because if you think about that feeling... it’s gone.

The feeling of love between you and her can still bubble back up, but you just have to experience her. Don’t think about it. Just let whatever will be, be.

Maybe the only way it is what it is, is if it be what it be...

What i'm listening to:
Everything Is 4 Want to Want Me
Jason Derulo
Everything Is 4

Tuesday, May 2, 2017, 10:36 am

Do not disturb

Somedays, I think that the person who came up with “Do Not Disturb” mode on today’s smart phones was thinking of me. My phone simply lives there.

It’s the ultimate detachment. It brings back the charm of the early cell phones with text messaging, “Oh, look! I have a message!”

I actively look when I have a spare moment. The message doesn’t actively pull me away from the wonderful conversation with my coffee shop date.

As it should be.

Stop being a slave to notifications.

Seriously, your life is passing you by. Live it!

What i'm listening to:
Please West End Girls
Pet Shop Boys
Please

Tuesday, April 25, 2017, 6:57 pm

A perfect date...

Because it’s not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

What i'm listening to:
Tigerlily Carnival
Natalie Merchant
Tigerlily

Friday, April 21, 2017, 4:02 pm

Detaching from outcomes

As a child, the public school system and my parents and society in general indoctrinated me with the absolute horrors of sex. I really think the goal was to make kids terrified.

Of course, it wouldn’t work on all of the kids... but on the introverted kids who always overthink things, it worked. Too well.

As an adult, in the dating world, it has presented me with a terrible dilemma.

You see, as an adult I am still learning to detach from outcomes... from expectations. And I’m learning that the release from outcomes and expectations is quite. simply. wonderful.

I now understand life is not meant to be 100% planned. It is frequently better to just flow with the tide and see where you end up.

And you end up in some beautiful places. With some beautiful women. In some incredible situations. And you get... lucky.

Very. lucky.

So, you decide to prepare for the next opportunity. Protection. It’s responsible. It’s the thing to do, right?

It turns out that there is a fine line between letting go of outcomes and carrying a condom in your pocket. And it’s enough to salt your game.

By simply carrying the condom, you’re telling your subconsciousness you’re expecting to have the sex.

And that’s enough. It changes your body language, the way you present yourself, your actions, your words. And she can pick up on that.

If her self-esteem is low, or if she’s incredibly horny, it may not matter so much.

But if she’s so hot. Or she’s unsure about how far she wants to go with you. It’s enough. She can sense that you want something from her. She becomes an object. She goes on guard. She decides that cucumber will suffice for the evening.

And you’ll go home alone.

Which explains why so many “players” in my life managed to get in “trouble” so many times. They go in without expectation. That freedom alone increases their attractability ten-fold. They are SEXY.

Some girls carry protection... they don’t want to get in “trouble” either. But many don’t. And if you don’t, and things happen.

Acceptable risk? Perhaps.

I have a friend who’s facing the same crux. But he has an advantage. He’s a total transient right now. Everything he has is within reach. Meaning condoms aren’t necessarily with him because he’s ready for sex, they’re with him because, well, where else would they be?

There must be a balance. Maybe it’s just managing the mindset. Taking the release of expectation to the next level.

It’s time to find out.

What i'm listening to:
Loud S&M
Rihanna
Loud

Saturday, April 8, 2017, 9:43 am

The lonely plight of the enlightened

As long as I can remember, I’ve always been a deep thinker. Maybe what I think about is nonsense, maybe it’s not, but it’s always there. I am always watching what’s happening in my life from a viewpoint outside of my person. Weird, right? It’s a bit like watching a movie... albeit, not a very good one.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot about happiness, embracing my introvertedness by being me first, reinvention, and getting in flow. However, one trap I fall into by reading too much and devouring knowledge is that my focus shifts to the reading and learning.

As if I’m preparing for a test.

In high school and college, I was a test taker. Math tests, science tests, history tests, I could ace them all with little to no preparation. After high school, I abandoned mathematics and the sciences because it seemed there was only one right answer (maybe two) and the rest were wrong. Following that realization, those classes that had previously been my strengths bored me.

In college, I became a history major. I feel like now, while I enjoy learning about history... even find passion there at times, I became a history major for the wrong reasons.

I was fascinated with the essay exam. Here was a test with no clear cut right answer. Here was a test where not knowing the answer didn’t necessarily equal failure. Intriguing, right?

So, I mastered the essay exam. Again, I’m a test taker... but somehow still lacking the practical knowledge I was supposed to learn.

Go ahead, ask me what I learned from Dr. Birkholz’s biology class about cells. Ask me how to find the limit of an equation. Ask me how to conjugate verbs in French. I don’t recall.

Ask me what I remember about Ms. Curtiss’s history lessons, and I’ll say I remember how great the girl who sat next to me looked, smelled, and made me feel. every. day. And maybe a little about enlightenment and the French Revolution.

Fast forward to today. I am currently 23 books in my yearly goal, and each book has great information to offer... but even that information, absorbed so recently, is slipping away. Sigh.

Inspiration never seems to last, and the darkness always returns. Focus dissolves as the distraction of a pretty blue-eyed blonde with perfect freckles on her perfect tits presents itself. And I know how to get her too. I have learned so much about making the perfect girl my own... someone to share life with. I have learned so much about never settling.

Yet, unapplied knowledge just slips away. I can never seem to slip outside of my mind long enough to apply practical knowledge and make it stick.

Then there’s the darkness that is always lingering not far... the darkness that, ironically, is a result of my enlightenment. So many people I meet have faith. Faith in God. Faith in people. Faith in the planet. Faith in humanity. Faith in the sciences.

All I see is an end goal. One that is the same whether you’re a happy person... or you’re not.

One may bask at the warm fire of faith or choose to live in the bleak uncertainty of reason—but one cannot have both.

So true.

I know there is an abundance in the world, and I need to lose this scarcity mindset and never settle. But, as mentioned earlier, the Tinder girls are looking for more than a match. They no longer look for sex without strings, they’re hoping to find true love. They may find it.

But for all the abundance in the world, I’m feeling lonely. I have yet to meet the girl who revs my engine that doesn’t lose me with her own limiting beliefs.

It may be time to focus on me again. Start applying this newfound knowledge before I lose it forever. Find me, then maybe she will find me too.

What i'm listening to:
Born in the USA Dancing in the Dark
Bruce Springsteen
Born in the USA
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