I awoke with a start. Someone was banging on the door. Hard.

“Jesus,” I mumbled. “What time is it?”

The clock on the nightstand confirmed it was just after three in the morning.

The banging persisted. Whoever it is, they want in.

I slide out from the warm covers and reach for a pair of jeans. Boxers. Anything. I fumble for the light switch before cracking open the door to peer outside. “Shit,” I think to myself. “I know these guys.”

Larry and his father push their way in.

“Where is she?” Larry demands.

“Where is who?”

“Don’t be a jackass. We know she’s been sneaking out at night. Her friend, Misty, suggested we check here.

“You’ve got quite a reputation in town,” Larry’s father accused.

“I’m sorry, sir. If you’re talking about Elsie, she did meet me several hours ago at the Century Club,” I replied, surprisingly calmly. “But we didn’t leave together.”

My composure was solid. I’d been expecting this confrontation. Elsie is an incredible girl, beautiful, witty and a sensational body. Yet, she’s also a nineteen-year-old Jehovah Witness girl. What’s a 22-year-old guy to do?

“She’s not here,” I finished. “Go ahead and look around.”

Larry is still visibly filled with rage, but I’ve denied him the satisfaction of venting it on me. His father looks resigned. Age and experience, I suppose.

I wouldn’t know. My veins are still pulsing from the intrusion. Yet somehow, I’ve never been so calm when confronted. I’m sizing them up. I’m twice Larry’s size, and his dad is... old. But, two against one? I’m not confident this will end in my favor if it escalates.

They both wander around the apartment. Larry peeks into the bedroom, but doesn’t go in.

“Larry, we’ve been looking for a while. Maybe we missed her, and she’s home now,” Larry’s father offered.

“Maybe.” Larry’s not convinced.

His dad turned to me, “Look here, you little shit, I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but if you ARE seeing my daughter, that ends now. Got it?”

I’ve been confronted like this before. I have to suppress my usual “shit-eating” grin, so I look down. “Yes sir,” I say.

“Good,” Larry says. “If we have to come back here...”

“Got it,” I said, not letting him finish. Now, I’m annoyed. It’s late. Irritation has replaced my tiredness. Who knows if I’ll be able to get back to sleep?

“She’s too good for you,” Larry’s father finishes.

“She is,” I agree. “And she’s not here. And I have to work in the morning, so I think you should leave.” My temper slipped a notch.

After one more cursory glance around the apartment, they both move towards the door. Slowly.

“You’re not to see her again. Remember that,” Larry said as I closed the door behind them.

As I slid the deadbolt, the adrenaline begins to subside.

Damn, there was nearly a fight. In my own place.

Damn.

There’s movement. From the shadows next to the bedroom window, she emerges, wrapped in a bedsheet. My god, she’s so beautiful.

“Elsie, honey,” I start. “We need to talk...”

This morning, as you’re lying next to me, you look at me with those big, beautiful, blue eyes and ask, “Do you fantasize about me?”

And I’m dumbstruck. I don’t know what to say. Because I don’t.

I cherish this moment—feeling the warmth and softness of your naked body next to mine. The sensations are incredible. I feel alive, and I hope you do too. Your flushed cheeks indicate you do.

And the memories of what we did last night… and again, twice, this morning are as fresh as the morning dew.

I enjoy you immensely. You are lovely. You know how bodies were designed to slide together. You understand pleasure—and how to deliver (and receive) it.

Yet, fantasize? No. There’s nothing there.

Wait. That’s not exactly true. Plenty of my fantasies are truly a vast void. But there is one. There is one girl I fantasize about.

An incredible, tall, brown-eyed beauty. She’s the one I imagine walking hand-in-hand along the beach with. And curled up next to me in bed in the Marriott in Chicago. And exploring Ibiza. And sharing a bottle of wine with at an outdoor café in Bucharest.

Her. Not you.

Do I fantasize about you?

No, I don’t. And I don’t know how to answer your question. Without a lie. You don’t deserve a lie. Yet, you don’t deserve to be hurt either.

Sometimes a bully only needs a target. Maybe I did something to this guy, maybe I didn’t. All I can recall is he traumatized (and continues to traumatize) me throughout my youth.

I lived in fear. And paranoia. I still do.

Is he around the next corner? And what will I do if he is?

I’d like to think, that as adults, we’ll continue to ignore each other’s very existence. Yet, what about when the alcohol flows. What then?

—

Bullying was encouraged in my high school. How else were these little pussy boys going to learn to defend themselves?

Hell, even my gym teacher was a child… taking a wet towel snap at a student in the shower.

I suppose we turned out alright. For the most part, anyway. And perhaps, we should be thankful that if a fight broke out on his watch—or the guidance counselor, or the shop teacher—that an effort was made to keep it fair. But, no interference.

Thanks, coach.

—

I don’t remember much about my bully’s youth. His little brother had palsy, or some shit like that, and he used it to be an asshole, just like his big brother. Victim of shitty genetics AND a bully. How does that even work? My god, they were both assholes.

And, I remember their dad had died when they were very young. Toddlers, maybe. Legend has it he was an asshole too. Lost his head—literally—running a snowmobile through a barbed wire fence.

And their mom was pretty, and had no trouble finding shelter for her and her boys.

Oh, I’ll bet those boys resented all of the father-figures that strolled in and out of their lives.

I don’t think that qualifies as a license to be a total asshole. Yet, what do I know?

—

I haven’t even seen this man in decades. Nor thought about him. And there he was, in real life, standing there with a shit-eating grin next to his best buddy, wearing the same grin—minus about forty IQ points.

Then they locked eyes on me. And realized who they are looking at. And I discovered the years had been kinder to their teeth than they had to mine, for I could count them all.

And I felt the familiar sensation. Pure, unadulterated fear. As he moved across the room to pick up a pool cue. And his asshole buddy followed, grabbing one of his own.

Then they approach. Slowly. Deliberately. Still smiling those idiotic smiles.

All I wanted to do, tonight, is finish my laundry, finish my beer, and go to bed.

And now, these assholes, and in my laundrobar, walking toward me, performing test swings with pool cues like they’re testing the balance of a hatchet for cutting fire wood.

Fucking wonderful. Some things never change.

—

Confession: I never learned to fight. Saying that as a grown man is shameful. Looking back at my childhood, my high school bullies are part of that. As a small, chubby kid, it was far easier to hide.

To pretend I didn’t exist.

How small can I get against the wall? The edge of the seat on the bus? Or inside a locker in the girls’ locker room?

Yeah, I let the girls hide me.

No wonder I am a fucking mess with no friends. And can’t relate to men, at all. Nor can I keep a woman. I wouldn’t be attracted to me either. After that first fuck, anyway.

Unfortunate penis, indeed.

—

These assholes are still approaching me. They’ve split up, and one of them has a fucking Roman candle in his back pocket.

I feel so small. I’m in the best shape of my life, yet have no idea what to do or how to do it, there’s two of them—each one twice my size, with no qualms about fighting dirty.

Maybe this is a reckoning. Lady Fortune is dealing judgement for my growing up to be such a pussy. For not doing anything about this asshole when I was a fat youth. As such, somehow I’ll be to blame when the incendiary device burns down the fucking laundrobar.

At least, I can probably miss jury duty tomorrow.

Hours later, she was still thinking about it. She couldn’t believe the audacity in such a request.

He hadn’t even asked her. He had only shown her what he wanted on a piece of paper. Buried. In a to-do list. She could still imagine the twinkle of mischieviousness in his eyes.

Yet…

What harm would it do? She had to admit that her tits were pretty fantastic! She tried to remember if she had bragged about how perfect they are to him. And they probably wouldn’t always be. And she knew him well enough to imagine what joy and delight seeing them would bring to his eyes—maybe she was a little curious to see that expression.

Besides, it’s not like he asked to touch them. Even if he did, would that be so bad? Hell, she might even enjoy it. She felt a slight tingle just thinking about it.

What an act of kindness! Neither of them would live forever, why not share a tender moment? After all, she did like the audacious jackass… and lord knows she had shown them to bigger assholes than him.

So, yeah. She was considering it.

Maybe, she’d surprise him. Show him suddenly when he least expects it… and smile when his jaw hit the floor.

Dawn breaks over the glass house I call home. I wake with the sunrise, and I look over. You’re lying next to me. Still peacefully asleep with a smile on your face. Dreaming of me? I hope so…

I lie next to you for several moments—which feels almost like eternity. I can’t help gazing in awe. At your face. Your body. You’re so incredible. And you’re my girl.

You weren’t always. You fought it. Because of life. Because of others. Because of expectation.

Yet, somehow, it’s always been you. Every moment with you is like we’ve always known each other.

I rise carefully… not to disturb your slumber as I slip out of the bed. I head down the spiral staircase, and start the coffee pot. For you. I hate the stuff.

While the coffee brews, I make myself a cup of tea and start preparing a light breakfast. I think today we’ll eat it on the balcony. Yes, I’ll prepare a tray.

I carry our breakfast out to the balcony, pausing for a moment as I pass the bed… adoring your beauty. You’re just beginning to stir, and sheet has slipped from your breast. Every day, I want you so bad. Even though I have you.

You join me on the balcony, wearing only a sheet. I smile as I watch you eat. It reminds me of the night we met, when I snapped a picture of you eating that gyro. And another of you laughing at me afterwards—your eyes sparkling with wonder!

Now, I just keep the images mentally… because you’re my girl.

After breakfast, you take the dog for a long walk in the woods. I do my daily push-ups and settle down to write.

I write about life. About how understanding does not come from thinking. About how we have to defeat our own egos. Every. Day. In order to get what we want.

No, that’s not right.

To get what we deserve. Yet another piece of writing about how we are all that get in the way of our own happiness. Perhaps, yet it looks different from the other side.

You are my muse. You inspire me to write. To open my heart. To be vulnerable. To realize we had to climb over all of those bodies in our past to get to where we are today.

You return silently with the dog and begin preparing lunch for us. You have taught me so much about life and nutrition and diet and lifestyle changes. You have rescued me from my anguish. Yes, these are the thoughts that run through my mind as you grill us delicious sandwiches for lunch.

“Perhaps I can write about that tomorrow,” I think, as you bring the tray of lunch up our spiral staircase.

Did I really just use the word, “our?”

After taking a long lunch—I simply can’t stop watching you eat. Well, I simply can’t stop watching you. Period. Full stop—we part ways for the afternoon, each to work on our separate projects. We have to finance our lifestyle somehow, yet I’m always looking toward the day we can simply curl up and enjoy our “nappuccinos.”

I love those li’l words that are… ours.

(There’s that word again.)

As the evening approaches, we’re reunited. We share a drink and talk about life and beauty and our day. I am amazed that we continue to find each other’s perspectives fascinating. With no one else, can I share my views on the great taboos: religion, society, politics.

Is this a relationship? I don’t know… we were both led to believe relationships are work, and this doesn’t feel like it. We simply enjoy each other.

After dinner, we take the dog for a walk in the woods. A long, lingering walk… occasionally holding hands, occasionally I’ll fall behind (so I can gaze at your amazing ass), and occasionally stopping to laugh at the dog as she plays.

We return to the cabin and do our own thing for a while. Me? I usually read. You? I am content you are here. That you are my girl. You do whatever keeps your heart full.

Later, I will do my part to keep you full.

Later comes. Some nights, we’re filled with passion and tear up the bed and soak the sheets, and laugh as we have to do the laundry. Maybe that can wait until morning. Who gets the wet spot tonight? Shall we flip a coin?

Not tonight. Tonight, we’re both content to simply embrace… until we make love anyway.

And I watch again. I watch you fall asleep… and I am grateful. For you are incredible. And tomorrow will be just as incredible.

Please, remember me forever. Believe in me as someone who's never gonna wish you well.

There's just something about this album by Lisa Marie... I keep coming back to it. And I just love the song, "Idiot." =^)

The ex sent me an email recently. Apparently, she's getting her knickers in a twist because I just can't seem to put a priority on sending her something she decided to ask for a month ago.

Not sure what the hurry is, suddenly, after being without it for this long. Especially since I know she replaced it. She must have a gift idea in mind for someone...

But that's none of my never mind...

However, that song is incredibly appropriate when I think about her. Is that wrong? I suppose that even though I've regained solid ground underneath me, it's natural to feel some resentment, eh? Perhaps I always will... oh well.

C'est la vie! At least I can take comfort in the fact I'll probably never see her again anyway. =^D

Yes, that's comforting!

Today, I treated myself to an Italian sub at my favorite coffee house. That wasn't the highlight, however. Being invited to check out my barista's luscious ass was. =^D

Very, very nice booty!

Lately, I've been so focused on my school work that I haven't been spending any time out. No consorting with the fairer sex... there'll be plenty of time for that when my papers are turned in.

However, I never miss the opportunity to banter with the women I do encounter. That would be a crime! Besides, if I don't use my gifts... I could lose them! ;^)

Plus, it's good to lay the groundwork for whatever may happen in the future!

What i'm listening to:

Turned to Black
Lisa Marie Presley
Now What

Last night, I made an observation. Actually, I'd been observing for several months now that hot girls don't wear Levi's.

In fact, every hot girl I've talked to lately has been wearing a pair of designer jeans. A couple have even been complimented on them.

I don't know if I'm becoming shallow with my fashion and looks obsession, but I don't really think it's going to matter at this stage of my life. So, I made a conscious decision to be shallow.

I'm not going to date anyone who isn't at least a seven. To put this in perspective, I would classify "C" as a 5.

But, she wore Levi's. For that I should dock her to a 4.5. However, in my defense, in that small town in the great white north I was overwhelmed by this sense of scarcity. I held onto her, because I thought she was the best I could do. At the time it was better than being alone.

Of course, I'll continue talking to everyone... that's all part of the game.

So, why did I pick seven? Why not just be a total ass and say nine or ten?

Because, and this will sound like a total ass, I haven't seen a ten around here... and there are very, very few nines.

Until I make that migration to Colorado, Arizona, or the Vegas... I'll settle for less. =^P

So, I will apologize to all of the "okay" looking girls for the opportunities they will be missing with me... but I'm sure we can still be friends. I'm not above being friends!

Besides, one can argue that there is no such thing as an ugly girl... only a lazy one. Anyone can make herself over into a nine or ten.

That's just who I am and how I feel. I don't make any apologies for it.

What i'm listening to:

Not Ur Girl
Katharine McPhee
Katharine McPhee

Another holiday weekend is in the history books.

Even though last weekend consisted of a couple of parties and next weekend will also consist of a couple of parties, my holiday weekend didn't consist of any.

Which is fine. I enjoyed my run volunteering at the civic theater moving sets and staging backstage. When I wasn't at the theater, I was working on the house. I even recruited a buddy for some assistance, with help I should have it ready by the weekend!

W00t!

Also, of note, I had some successful interactions with a couple of lovely females on Monday. I had a "Hooters" girl eating out of my hand... or at least off of my plate. I learned that she is a business major who's taking summer courses like myself. It was a fun and flirty time.

So, why didn't I get a number? I'm really not sure. Some moments I think I'm ready, but others, that thought just doesn't surface. Everything else is there now, so it is definitely time to work on that part of my game.

Then, last night, I met this amazing blonde at a local sports bar. I'm still becoming accustomed to having girls actually be "into" me... but this interaction went amazingly well. There were pats on the ass, she stroked my chest a couple of times and kept pointing at the 1up mushroom on my shirt, and she even took a hairbrush out of her purse and brushed my hair.

Who knows where it would have gone? It was also the first time I had been cock-blocked, by her brother and the friend I was with. Her brother, ok, I get that... my friend, well, he wanted her for himself.

So, she got frustrated and left the group and sat with a table of tools. I wrestled with wanting to lead her away and staying with my friend, her brother and the rest of the group I was with. I stayed, even though I should have went with her.

But instead, we just exchanged looks across the bar. It wasn't a situation I was prepared for, so I probably could have handled it better and at least snagged her number... but I fell in with my friends.

So, are there rules about things like this? My friend said he thought he had a shot with her, but he'd have to clear it with her brother because they are friends. I *know* I had (have?) a shot with her, and I just met the guy last night, so am I bound by these rules as "friend of a friend?"

Am I overthinking things as usual? More than ever, I realize there will be other girls, but I can't just let every single girl who's into me go because of circumstances.

Sheesh.

Anyway, her brother really didn't like it when she started getting close to one of the tools she was talking to, so he pulled the "have to get up early" card, and they left.

My friend and I went to another club, where he ran into a group of girls he knows. I haven't figured out why he likes this sports bar so much, because there aren't any good looking girls there, and he always manages to spend his entire evening talking with one who keeps reminding him that the "window of opportunity is closed."

I'm *so* beyond that, and was really rather bored during the three hours spent there.

Better nights are ahead though. It should be an exciting journey! =^)

The "man" has finally arrived!

What i'm listening to:

Foolin'
Def Leppard
Pyromania

That's what time I arrived home from the slumber party. A lot of drinking. A handful of gorgeous Hooters waitresses in slinky black evening gowns. More than a handful, actually! =^)

A game of Twister, "Heart and Soul" on the piano, more drinking, some nekkid bewbs. A lot of groping by the young ladies, hugs, and drunken kisses.

And I have no idea what was in those shots I drank. I'm not sure that's a good thing!

What a fantastic evening... it could have been better, but at least I met some new people and had interesting new experiences! =^D

And now that I've made "Phoebe's" acquaintance... who knows what kind of parties I'll end up at in the future!

Definitely something to look forward to!

What i'm listening to:

Forgotten
Avril Lavigne
Under My Skin