I continue to be wrong about everything. Yes, everything.

And now, it is safe to say there is no joy in my life. After all, am I even supposed to be here?

And what about all that I have read in the last couple of years? The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. Reinvention Made Easy. The Happiness Project. Sex Money Kiss. The Alabaster Girl.

Every one of these books designed to help chodes like you and me to overcome our inner demons. To escape the self-loathing. To escape depression. To escape mediocrity.

I read this incredible prose, and I believe. For a brief, shining moment, I believe I can overcome all of my bad programming—all of my bad decisions—and become extraordinary.

To be successful. To be loved. To find joy.

For that moment, I find success. She falls in love with me. I land the new project.

Yet, inevitably, the inner demon returns, saying, “She’s not interested in you. You’ve never succeeded in anything. Why start now? This is your life. You’re supposed to die alone. You’re not even supposed to be here.”

This battle is fought every. single. day. Is this enlightenment?

I understand anti-social behavior. I understand criminals. I understand suicide. I understand giving up.

Can I ever eradicate this bad programming? Can I ever find joy? Will it ever get easier? Will I ever get over myself enough to let that beautiful Latina into my life? Will I ever stop pushing her away? Will I ever not bore a girl into ghosting via text?

Today, I just don’t know.

What i'm listening to:

Ruin the Friendship
Demi Lovato
Tell Me You Love Me

I find I am caught somewhere between the fear of falling... and the desire to fall.

Recently, I met someone. Talking to her and getting to know her makes me want to be less mediocre. She makes me want to become extraordinary.

She makes me want to go after the life I’ve been craving.

Then the conflict descends...

If I’ve been craving a rich life—a life filled with options—then why have I not moved toward that goal?

Why do I apparently not want this for myself... for myself? Do I want it for the wrong reasons? Am I setting myself up to fail?

Then, I’m drawn into that internal battle. I’m not worthy because I want to grow for the attentions of a girl. Fake it ’til I make it? Perhaps.

Yet, if I don’t move towards the life I want all of the time—including in between crushes—I’m only destined to fail. Get the life first. The money will follow. The power will follow. The women will follow.

Yes, she is delightful. Yes, she is stunning. Yes, she is interested.

Yes, I must run with this. But my ambition must remain... with or without her.

I deserve no less.

What i'm listening to:

Don't Wanna Fall in Love
Jane Child
Jane Child

Tonight, as my mistress, Insomnia, settles into my bed, something has occurred to me.

Daytime is just a dress rehearsal. Anything... and I mean anything... worth knowin’ happens at night.

I’ve said that. I’ve believed that. Yet, I’ve never practiced that.

Girls make bad decisions at night. Girls hook up at night. Probably because of insomnia. Probably through a text message. Or a snap.

A-ha!

It is time to take advantage of the late night message. Who knows what might come of it?

Is she fantasizing about you?

Is she fantasizing about me?

Well, she did give me her phone number...

Only one way to find out.

What i'm listening to:

Bad Girl
Madonna
Erotica

One of the hardest moments I have to face in adulting, is that I will never be Steve Austin.

I’ve been fascinated with improvement via science and technology since I was a child. Shows like The Six Million Dollar Man, The Bionic Woman, Knight Rider, etc., etc. just blew me away. Here we have a person, who suffered a tremendous accident, yet is now... better. Here we have a car, that hardly needs its driver (more on this topic later...).

Pretty cool stuff. An early dream was to become an electrical engineer... perhaps to make some of this stuff reality.

Even today, when injured, my childlike mind echoes those bionic sounds whenever I power through the weakness and the rebuild.

I don’t know how much of a reality bionics are today. I suppose I could look it up, but as I’m becoming more “vintage,” I long for a bionic eye, with which to see again, and a bionic ear, to hear EVERYTHING, and a pair of bionic legs, just to run tirelessly.

Realistically, financially, and probably, none of this is in my future. A harsh realization, to be sure, and I’m not even sure why?

After all, life will kill you.

Even if i could replace extremities with technology and near immortality... that immortality will still be fleeting. And who wants to live forever anyway?

Yet... it would be nice to have to be able to buy that kind of super strength, speed, and acuity.

Perhaps I shouldn’t give up that dream just yet.

What i'm listening to:

Broken Machine
Nothing But Thieves
Broken Machine