I never said I was smart.

I’m not like other men. I don’t play games.

However, I am sometimes a dumb shit. I will say the wrong things. I will do the wrong thing while I’m trying to figure my life out.

That is what I am trying to do. Figure my life out. Find happiness.

Just like you.

So, please, tell me if I fuck it up.

Don’t ghost. Don’t run to other people. Don’t shut down.

Just tell me.

I don’t bite.

Unless you want me to.

What i'm listening to:

Suzanne
Journey
Raised on Radio

It is time to get back on my developmental journey. It’s important to always be working to improve yourself and your life.

Like Dave Ramsey says:

Live like no one else so you can live like no one else.

Of course, Dave is referring to money and spending, but this statement can apply in so many other ways as well. It’s no secret I’ve let a couple of young ladies derail my focus over the last few weeks. Okay, months.

So, it is time to circle back to that critical question that pops up a few times in this space. What do I want?

Reflecting on where I am and what I’ve accomplished in life, it becomes increasingly clear that I’m not really good at anything. Nothing that enables me to stand out anyway.

Don’t misconstrue what I’m saying—I tend to be great at what I do while I’m doing it. However, I am a terrible employee. While I am smart enough to know that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I find that I am rarely re-hireable when I change directions... that is, unless I find I connect with a like-minded manager.

Yet, I find I need to pick something to master. A few things actually. It is past time to hone my craft. Of course, this brings up the next question:

What am I passionate about?

The last several years, this is a question that frequently appears. After all, what gets me hard? My life coach says, this is truly all that matters.

Sadly, I don’t know.

For someone who abhors mediocrity, it is unfortunate that I excel at being mediocre.

So, what’s next? I wish I knew. Many gurus maintain that action is far better than the inaction that comes with overthinking, yet somehow I need to point myself in the right direction. At least somewhere useful.

The road needs to lead in a way to enable me to discover my passions. We all have hopes, dreams and passions, but through the numbing of society, school, and growing up, we forget. After all, Thoreau was right:

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Which leads me to my next self-criticism. In order to truly grow, learn, hone your craft, you need a mentor. You cannot do it alone.

Yet, what is one who tends toward solitude and isolation to do? Especially one who will rarely even jeopardize his comfort in solitude for the love of a beautiful woman? Or the companionship of a good friend?

What does it mean when a beautiful girl smiles and says “Hi!” when she walks by, and the first thought that crosses your mind is: don’t let her in?

Today’s big question: How do I get over myself? What do I do to push outside of my comfort zone and seek out a mentor? Make new, like-minded friends? Not push away that beautiful girl?

After all, if I’m so unhappy with my life, why am I not taking sufficient action to change it?

Clearly, this journey is going to get harder before it gets easier. I’d better pull up my bootstraps.

What i'm listening to:

Not Going Away
Ozzy Osbourne
Black Rain

There’s something to be said for going through the discomfort of ending a relationship—no matter what type of relationship it is.

That something? Certainty.

I was listening to my iPod the other day and a song came up I hadn’t heard in a minute. This line jumped out at me:

Don’t be a ghost—forever and ever left to haunt me.

Yet ghosting is incredibly trendy right now.

Why? Does it make you feel better?

My recent snack and I grew close in a short time. Then she was gone. A ghost.

Am I obsessed? Oh, it’s possible. My mind keeps searching for ways to close that loop... yet there’s that battle raging inside, because I know it likely will not help. I’m a master at miscommunication. It can only get worse.

Yet there’s evidence on social media, buzz around town, and, of course, the rumor mill, that indicate she’s obsessed with me as well.

Maybe I’m mistaken, but I believe it will be so much easier to clarify what happened than to go through the agony of uncertainty and speculation.

Seriously, if you’re reading this, and you have a problem with me—tell me. Bring it to me. At the least, I will listen and acknowledge your issue. We’ll either resolve it, or we’ll agree to disagree and go our separate ways.

I don’t know who you’ve dealt with in the past, but I am not like other men. I’m not manipulative, nor am I toxic. Yes, I make mistakes. Yes, I say the wrong thing sometimes.

If you’re a part of my life, know that I genuinely care about you. Yet, if you want to leave, I will wish you well and go on my way. Good-bye.

Enough with this “haunting” bullshit.

What i'm listening to:

The One That Got Away
Natasha Bedingfield
Unwritten