I'm not going to write much this evening. I'm merely going to acknowledge that i'm a wee bit down and move on.

I'm not sure why i'm down. Maybe the epiphany from Thursday night is still weighing on me. Maybe.

I am so ready to get back out there. To date. To be a part of someone's life. To get to know someone and let her get to know me... but there is something inside of me that isn't letting me close the deal.

Is it fear? Fear of what? The unknown? Rejection? Worried she'll say yes? Perhaps i'm just going after the wrong girls?

Whatever it is... depression seems to have grabbed a hold of me again. I've not been this down for this long since mid-August.

So, for now i'll keep munching Brazil nuts and hope the selenium helps lift my mood. I need to get over this listlessness and apathy and work on some of the great things in my life again!

Tomorrow i'm meeting with my new trainer to take my workout to the next level... that should help some. Then i'm meeting with the group of people i met last week in Nebraska to talk about strategies, ideas and plans. There is so much good out there... i just need to realize that i deserve some of it. I need to let go of my original ways of my thinking.

My wiring that lends itself to my failures.

Well, it is time to go do some reading. Have a fantastic weekend!

What i'm listening to:

The One That Got Away
Natasha Bedingfield
Unwritten

"Think too much and it all goes away."

Those words have been a major influence on my life since first hearing them last winter. Actually, i had heard them before... but i never stopped to think about them. In 1986, i was 13 and didn't really think too much about anything.

But what's frustrating about those words... and how true they ring... is that i still can't stop thinking about, well, everything!

I guess it is how i'm wired. There are still moments when i think and think and think. In some ways, this rubbed off on C... because when she didn't think about things, she was happy. When she found out what kinds of things ran through my mind... well, i taught her how to think about things... and that is probably, at least partially, responsible for the demise of our relationship.

Anyway, last night i figured something out... something that shook me to the core.

Every woman in my life has made the first move. From M₁ to M₂ to S to A to K to C to T. And now there's R. Maybe this is ok, and i shouldn't give it anymore thought.

Yeah, like that will happen!

So, am i drawn to assertive women who know what they want and go after it? Am i not assertive enough? Is there a reason that i don't have a good track record with women when i make the first move?

I was discussing this with a friend last night. I really need to be assertive and close the deal. Just once. I think once is all it would take to demonstrate to myself that i can do it. Perhaps i keep stopping short of closing the deal for a reason... i don't know. There is always an excuse, i suppose.

On a side note, the new iTunes sucks! It actually looks very cool, and it would work fabulously for those who auto-update their iPods.

However, i consider myself a power user. Add to that the fact i have two iPods (i purchased a nano after discovering that my 3G iPod is heavy enough to pull my shorts down when i'm running!), i need just a little bit more. Oddly, iTunes 4-6 provided me with just what i needed.

I think the Library 'feature' in iTunes is pretty much worthless... always have. I have enough music files that i keep them structured on their own partition in an elaborate folder structure on the file system. While iTunes lets me create playlists, it doesn't let me organize the library from the root... which is what i would prefer.

So, i've always been happy with the fact i could just drop music files from the Finder straight onto the iPod.

With iTunes 7, that li'l feature no longer exists. What's frustrating is it *acts* like it is putting the song on the iPod, but when i look at the music library on the iPod it isn't there.

Now to put songs on my iPod, i have to add them to the library... which means when i dock my nano next, the same songs will also be added to it. Not very handy when the music library exceeds the two gigabyte capacity of the nano.

Generally i save the full albums for the iPod and put only high energy and favorite songs on the nano... for workouts. But i cannot organize the iTunes music library in that fashion.

It's just very frustrating. Tonight i will attempt to roll my iTunes back to 6 and see if that helps. Perhaps i should pass this nugget on to Apple as well, they may have so few users who drag and drop from other applications that they may not even realize that feature was omitted from the current product!

Anyway, time to resume life... and try not to think about it so much!

What i'm listening to:

Venus
Bananarama
True Confessions

Still tired.

Last night was mildly disappointing. As can be expected with fabulous flair bartenders, the best barkeep in town is now in Minneapolis. So, i'll have to find someone who can make a decent Old Fashioned without me having to tell him/her how... and the days when i say "Surprise me" may not be so pleasant.

So, last night i played it safe... Vodka neat.

My sleep was unperturbed by dreams, but i don't know if i quite slept long enough. Now i'm starting to wonder if the change in the weather is in part responsible for my fatigue.

I'm starting to stay in bed a li'l longer in the morning because i don't want to get out from under the warm covers.

Combine that with the fact that i'm still not eating at 'before' time levels... in fact i'm barely eating more than i was two months ago. Maybe my body is running out of reserves? I no longer have a belly, and the fat is gone from my arms and legs... so it stands to reason i'm going to have to get my diet back in order very soon.

I'm ready to step up my workouts to daily... so what i think i should do is figure out how many calories i'll need per day, and base my diet on that. If i go a li'l over... it shouldn't hurt too bad, right?

I'll have to email R and find out if she has any plans for Friday night... there will almost certainly be food involved there. Then on Saturday i have a couple of parties i'm obligated to attend... and i don't think it is yet appropro to invite R. Otherwise, i'd have much rather spent the whole day in Kansas City. Sunday will be dedicated to my homework... history and English both need my attention for the upcoming couple of weeks.

So, last night i had to have a drink that Janet used to make me... Chris, the barkeep last night hadn't had one, so he made one as well. The Jelly Doughnut. It is a pretty incredible shot that tastes just like a jelly doughnut, but is probably much, much better for you. Something about deep-fat frying...

He suggested it would be a good shot to buy for a young lady. I couldn't disagree with him.

Tonight we'll see if he makes a good Blue Crush. Maybe night life after Colin and Janet won't be so bad after all... =^\

What i'm listening to:

Love Rusts
Starship
Knee Deep in the Hoopla

I wish i knew why i was so bloody fatigued lately...

I suspect it is because i haven't had a drink in a couple of weeks now. Don't misconstrue that... i'm not saying that i'm craving it, or that i'm having DT's or anything. In fact, the last couple of weeks i've reaffirmed to myself that i'm not (yet) an alcoholic.

However, when i don't have a drink before i go to bed, i dream about C. It doesn't matter whether the dreams are good or bad... in fact, they've been both... but when i dream of her it inevitably wakes me up.

And the last few nights i've stayed up later and later... because i don't want the dreams. I'm doing fantastic with my waking consciousness... just wish i could fix dreamland.

However, last night i was told something that struck me as rather profound. Love isn't a feeling, isn't an emotion. Love penetrates the soul.

So, to just rip it out... it is no wonder it hurts! And even when the hurt is gone, it will take a long time to heal.

Tonight i'll go out... it has been a while, but i did ok on my Art History exam yesterday, so i think i earned it. Then we'll see if i get better sleep tonight.

Last night was rather frustrating, because i hit a state of near-total exhaustion in my workout... in fact i couldn't finish (only by one machine, so that's not too bad). However, i've felt this way before in previous weeks when i've missed sleep for whatever reason, which is why i start from a different section of the list every workout.

I am impressed with how i feel... and how i look! My arms are still a bit on the scrawny side, but now i see that they don't have to stay that way. My legs are huge and tight... even have some muscle definition i hadn't seen in ten years. Of course, i'm lighter than i was in high school... and i believe i'm in the best shape of my life.

It can only get better. I want to tone my upper body. I don't want to get BIG, but to have some of those muscular curves in my arms, shoulders and torso... would be fantastic!

I don't watch what i eat enough to get the 'six-pack'... but we'll see if i get to a point where i want to change that.

But this morning i was alarmed at how weak i felt... i'm sure it is the fatigue. At least i'm not slipping into depression, but i'm worried that if i don't find some energy i'll start yo-yo-ing again.

Then i checked my email. R emailed me! I can't believe she's making me feel like a schoolboy with a crush when i see her name in my email box... i just hope i'll know how to conduct myself. I'm not going to be able to help proceeding with caution because i'll protect myself from getting hurt again so soon... but i am excited, and i feel like this is a step in the right direction.

I don't know if it's providence or a guardian angel or what... because i never was one to believe things happen for a reason... but i think maybe this could be a very good thing!

Funny how people change... how i have found a balance between making things happen and taking advantage of whatever providence sends my way.

Tonight i'll have to watch last night's Gilmore Girls (the reviews don't have me looking forward to it) and Nip/Tuck, and finish Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (two chapters to go)... after i get some reading done in my history book. Am i too busy to go out?

Nah! =^)

What i'm listening to:

True Faith
New Order
Substance

Today is the day. Life is too short to not pursue the dream.

Too short to eat food that is not outstanding.

Too short to continue to live alone.

I'm going into the sixth month since the bottom fell out of my life. No, don't freak out... this isn't a depressing post.

In fact, i'm energized! I'm focused! I have so much to look forward to!

The fact that she's not along for the ride... well, that's her problem. First step is to remember it isn't my responsibility to save her. Only she can save herself.

And now i've already spent more time on her in this post than i had intended... than she deserves.

Destiny doesn't just happen to us. It is the result of our choices combined with our activity/inactivity. Dreaming doesn't do any good if i'm not going to step towards it... leap towards it.

Life is what i make it. Now watch me, because here i go! =^)

What i'm listening to:

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Paris Hilton
Paris

I have a small confession to make.

If i were grocery shopping and i were to happen upon Mischa Barton at the store... that would lead to the best days of my life!

What can i say? She would never be able to resist my charms! =^)

Then she would never want to leave...

Seriously though, i love these li'l reminders that there is so much unknown and chance left to look forward to. The game is far from over... in fact, it has just begun! =^)

What i'm listening to:

Suffragette
Nina Gordon
Bleeding Heart Grafitti

So, when will i learn to recognize this chemistry i seem to have with certain women?

Last year, it seemed like T had to practically throw herself at me before i realized she was interested. She was inviting me to little functions, arranging to be at the same open houses i was, letting me use her theatre tickets when she was not...

All of that ended up creating something that was both very, very good... and very, very bad.

Now, this week... out of the blue i get an email from R. She barely knows me, but she had seen Stanley Kubrick's The Shining for the first time, and sent me an email asking questions about my road trip last month.

How do i know R? I bought an iMac from her on eBay. eBay and online dating... who knew? =^)

However, i would be lying if i said that we didn't hit it off. I really enjoyed talking to her, and she is very easy on the eyes. But, i didn't think i really sensed anything.

Well, she did think of me... she did email me to ask a totally random question.

And after my response, she did invite me out to hang with her and her friends.

It's a start, anyway... i don't know what, if anything will happen... and i'd like to believe i'm learning not to get my hopes up too high. However, an invitation would seem to indicate she would at least like to get to know me better.

So, who knows? At the very least, i could make some new friends! Now that is something definitely worth looking forward to!

On a side note, this hotel in Nebraska i'm staying at is far from five-star. I went down to the lounge to have a drink, but the bartender must've been on break, 'cos there was no one behind the bar. I didn't think to take quarters down for the pool table either... but after returning to my room to fetch some change, i decided it just isn't worth it. What if the bartender is off for the night?

At least this place has free Wi-fi! =^) And this city has a Winchell's... home of the world's perfect doughnut. It is too bad i can't have any doughnuts with my new weight loss goals.

Too bad, because i'm going to have one anyway. One a day for three days can't kill me, right? =^)

Complexities...

I've been thinking a bit about how complex i am. I am constantly in a state of evolution. I'm always trying to better myself. I want a better life than what i currently have.

And more importantly, i still believe i can achieve a better life. I know i'm not going to do what i'm doing forever... and i'd like to do something that actually means something to someone.

Something that doesn't only exist in cyberspace.

Anyway, it has occurred to me that maybe the ex was weary of dealing with the complexities of me. From what i know of this new guy, he's very much a "what you see is what you get" kind of guy. She is a little more complex than that, but maybe she gets some comfort in not having to make any guesses or assumptions about what he's thinking... what they will do at any given moment... or what to expect.

Whereas, with me... there is always the "new me" just around the corner. The "new me" is exciting to me though. It is a character trait i wouldn't change for the world! I think about how many different life changes i have going right now... and i'm so excited about it i can hardly sleep at night!

In fact, i think i'm on a track that i'm happy with for the first time in my life... which means there'll be less to figure out and analyze about myself, and more time to just be happy and enjoy life. That is the part of the ride that she WILL be sorry she missed.

When we parted ways, i promised her she wouldn't be disappointed in keeping me in her life. I suppose she didn't believe me... or it just didn't matter because she's "happy" in her comfort zone. After all, until now i haven't had the means to pursue goals and dreams... and major life changes.

At least i have the confidence that my decisions are good ones for me... and for whoever i may end up with in the distant and not-too-distant future.

There will be no more regrets... the world is mine for the taking... and it will be grand! =^D

Soon, i will have to charm the pants off of this lovely young woman in my history class... something to look forward to! =^)

What i'm listening to:

Fighter
Christina Aguilera
Stripped

Well, i think i've discovered the worst thing about finding my closure.

My appetite appears to have returned... and last time i weighed myself i'd put on three pounds. Granted, that was last week, but over the course of the previous week i'd put on 10% of my losses.

At least C's worries about me becoming anorexic were unfounded... which is a good thing. Those eating disorders scare me... and while i was never worried about it, i know several people who were.

Besides, does anyone really choose to become anorexic?

Anyway, eating disorders are a delicate subject, so i'll move away from that.

The extra weight is probably just a "market correction" due to a shift in my eating habits. At least i cannot eat as much as i used to, so if i don't resign to "pigging out," i should be fine.

So, life has been great! Really, it has! Granted things aren't going as i'd planned, but i am really looking forward to the new opportunities that have presented themselves since C's final decision.

I think i'm ready! I still look great, and i believe i'm in the best shape of my life... and i've found a focus i never had during the "before time." It should be fun! =^)

Anyway, i'm going to cut this one short... i have to go see someone before i can really start my weekend.

Next week: ROAD TRIP! Yay!

What i'm listening to:

Stay
Madonna
Like a Virgin