I really miss my tasty li’l snack.

I haven’t had a drink in over three days. Sadness is weird.

This girl was different. We started spending quite a bit of time together in January. At the time, I thought things were going well, and I was really enjoying getting to know her. I think she was really enjoying getting to know me. We were even making plans for the future: road trips to Colorado, seeing Mexico, drinking Mexican tequila (she knows the path to my heart!). I was going to teach her to drive a stick shift. She was going to teach me to speak Spanish.

Maybe she was. This is why I’m so confused.

I suspect that I subconsciously sabotaged the relationship, but without asking her I’ll never know...

One of my best/longest friends never fails to call me out on my greatest flaw—I never pull the trigger.

And I rarely use the word “never” anymore, so it’s disconcerting that I find it appropriate twice in the same sentence.

So, I’m putting this out there... putting myself on notice, if you will. As part of acknowledging what my shadow knows that apparently I do not.

I have learned a lot about women in the last several years, yet there are times when I cannot get over myself to... erm... pull the trigger.

• I should know, by now, that if a girl invites me over to her place at one in the morning to drink, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if a girl comes over at two in the morning to hang out, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if the same girl comes over again and puts on a terrible horror movie with plenty of nudity, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if the same girl ends up on my lap on these evenings, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if the same girl goes on an overnight adventure to the casino and IHOP and spends a lot of time talking about relationships and star-signs, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if I LIKE THE SAME GIRL, that “playing it safe” is the WORST POSSIBLE thing I can do, and I should escalate, make a move, at least kiss the girl—and see if she wants to hook up.

This. This is why I’m a jackass. This is why she has been distant for several weeks now. Or is it? I suspect it is, but now I may never know for sure.

I’m sad and confused, because I really, really like this girl, yet I was afraid of screwing it up. And that fear of screwing it up—screwed it up.

Damn it, I was supposed to be avoiding missed opportunities, instead I’m missing even bigger ones.

What will it take to wake up my dumb ass? Now, I’ve lost her—most likely, forever—and I must not make these same mistakes again with whoever comes along next.

I really am a jackass. Plus, I may just have the market cornered on mixed signals.

What i'm listening to:

break up with your girlfriend...
Ariana Grande
thank u, next

So, there’s this girl.

She is, quite possibly, the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. She’s so beautiful it actually hurts to look at her.

And she’s friendly. She can strike up a conversation with anyone. Her smile lights up the room!

And she’s adventurous. She isn’t afraid of anything, and as a hobby travels around the world with a backpack—alone.

Did I mention how beautiful she is? I dare your pulse not to race when she walks in wearing a sweater and jeans.

And she’s petite. She’s fun-sized. Not just fun-sized, she really is a lot of fun too.

We actually went out. It was a great time! I enjoyed getting to know her!

And she’s generous. She spent the holidays in Mexico, and even brought me back something!

And she texted me on my birthday, from Mexico. So she’s really pretty sweet.

My friends, both guys and girls, are in awe. I’ve been told she’s the total dime.

But...

After getting to know her, I don’t really like her. Not in that way, at least.

God knows, I’m attracted to her... and when we talk, I occasionally see the signs that she’s attracted to me.

But, outside of the attraction, I don’t really like her. Something’s. Just. Off.

I’ve seen the warnings: never date an adventurer. Yet, I’m an adventurer at heart too!

So, what is it? I don’t know.

Maybe it’s a sign I’m evolving? One life coach once said you’re growing up when you experience the mind shift from “Does she like me?” to “Do I like her?”

Weird, eh?

It’s not you, it’s me. Thank you, next.

What i'm listening to:

thank u, next
Ariana Grande
thank u, next

Sears, the former #1 retailer in the country, is very nearly extinct.

If you’ve read the history of Sears & Roebuck, you’ll know they started as a mail-order catalog service. You could order anything, anywhere, anytime—kind of a big deal for a growing country at a time before superhighways.

The irony, is that they’re being killed at their own game by Amazon—essentially a mail-order [online] catalog service, where you can order anything, anywhere, anytime.

Who says history doesn’t repeat itself?

What i'm listening to:

’65 Love Affair
Paul Davis
Cool Night

A while back, I read The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. A fair portion of it was an interesting look at addiction.

Why are some hopelessly addicted to cigarettes? Or alcohol? Or cocaine? Or sex? Or Facebook? Or Candy Crush?

Or, perhaps more importantly, why are some casual users able to avoid addiction?

In many respects, I fall into the latter group. I’ve smoked. I drink quasi-regularly. I plead the fifth. Yet, I don’t NEED it. ANY of it.

However, in my recent examinations of my life, happiness, and shadow-self, it has occurred to me that I do have some addictions. These are the reason this year’s battle is going to be brutal.

I used to believe I was addicted to sleep. Don’t misconstrue that statement: I LOVE sleep!

Yet, my “addiction” to sleep, I believe, is a side effect to a greater issue.

I am addicted to my own comfort.

I like things to stay the same. I like my old music, my old movies, my old books, my... well, you get the picture.

And, I’m also addicted to information.

You can’t deny there’s a rush you get when you’re looking something up and figure it out. Or you find something you never knew. There’s a reason the Internet is slowly evolving beyond just a fad.

Plus, of course, everything you read on the Internet is true.

I’m drifting. I apologize.

Lately, the books I have been reading spur action. There are steps involved to get out of an unsatisfying life, to meet new people, discover new things, become more well-rounded, and, of course, achieve goals and create a rich life.

So, I suppose you can say my two vices have collided.

I find I read something extraordinarily profound, something I’d benefit from putting into action, think a lot about it, get stuck in my head, and need a nap.

Or I step out of my shell, meet someone new, hang out, invite her over, get to know her... yet play it safe, get stuck in my head, somehow get her stuck in her head, and need a nap.

Who knew stepping out of that comfort zone could be so exhausting? Who knew battling that shadow could be so exhausting?

Yet, I’m determined. This year, I’d like no missed opportunities—at least none due to my inner voices and/or my laziness that stems from all risk exhausting me.

There was a time when I found exploring my new power exhilarating and fun. If I can get in touch with that guy. The one who understood risk was his friend. The one who didn’t find reasons to sabotage evenings with those beautiful young ladies.

The one who wasn’t a jackass.

One clue: he’s not inside me. He’s out there—somewhere close. Closer than I think.

I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink. I have one.

What i'm listening to:

Make a Move on Me
Olivia Newton-John
Physical

It is entirely possible that I’m drinking too much, not fucking enough, using too much, and not writing.

What is wrong with me?

Wait, I know.

I’m in a battle with my worst enemy. Myself. I KNOW I must step outside of comfort. I KNOW what I must do.

I know what to do to finish the projects.

I know what to do when she’s here.

I also know I’m not doing either.

How is my internal resistance so strong? How can someone so intelligent be so dumb? How can I be satisfied with an unsatisfying life—especially when I know how to change it, yet refuse to make the simple adjustments to get EVERYTHING I desire?

Yet, I never used to believe I had an ego problem. Who knew?

Damn it! It’s time to face the unpleasant truth. Use those true friends who won’t sugar-coat it—who’ll kick me in the ass and remind me what the fuck is wrong with me and will hold me accountable. This will be the hardest year yet, but I believe in getting this part of my life handled.

Do I like this girl? Do I want to give her what she needs?

It’s time to kick a li’l ass.

What i'm listening to:

Obsessed
Mariah Carey
Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel

Shamelessly stolen:

Yes, you’re beautiful. Please stop getting fatter.