Do you lose as gracefully as you win?

I don’t know, I’ve never lost.

For as long as I can remember, I have had this itch.

On my back, just below my right shoulder blade. Most days it is out of my reach... some days I am flexible enough to reach it.

Yet it never completely goes away. Scratch it. Lotion it. Hot water. Cold water. Nothing seems to make it go away.

Nothing is there. No welt. No mark. No visible evidence. No explanation.

Just an itch.

I dreamt about you last night.

In the dream, you confronted me about assuming I did something to make you distant. In the dream, something tragic happened in your life.

In the dream, you attacked me for being so narcissistic. For making everything about me.

I don’t know what’s going on in your life. Yet my shadow is getting more and more persistent that it is not about me.

I’m here. I miss you.

You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not

Growing up, I was raised to be polite. Social grace. Manners. All of that bullshit.

Yes, bullshit. Now I’m finding out just how much bullshit.

One of the more persistent voices in my head, still gets an odd li’l rush when I’m being polite. I guess I’ve been indoctrinated well, because it’s causing me to miss opportunities. It always has.

Yesterday, while I was cleaning out the garage, I stumbled upon a note I’d written to my girl at the time. The exact wording isn’t important... nor effective. Why? Because it is the. exact. same. thing. I still message my girls. A message I send thinking it’s cute. Thinking it’s original. Thinking it’s effective.

It’s not.

It is polite though.

So, a friend of mine has met someone new. Someone with whom there was an instant spark. Someone who, only two days ago, he would have totally dismissed as out of his league and out of disinterest.

Someone with instant attraction.

He won’t blow it. Because he knows when NOT to be polite.

You see, my problem is this irrational fear of blowing it by pushing boundaries. I can quote Ferris Bueller and say, “You can never go too far.” But I don’t believe it. No, not really.

So, I’m still missing opportunities... or flat out not seeing them.

With our friends, conversations naturally gravitate toward innuendo. We drop our shields. To that end, I know to be more effective with girls that I need to talk to her like I would talk to my best friend.

Occasionally, it’s easy. I don’t know why it was so easy with Denise. Yet it was.

Then I struggle to remember what our conversations were about. Fail.

If you aren’t her fantasy, why not?

This. This is what adds that mystery—a certain je ne sais quoi.

She doesn’t want me to ask her how her day was. She doesn’t want me to ask how she slept. Or if she ate. She wants me to get her wet.

Yet, subconsciously, that instinct is suppressed. Something is preventing me from taking things to a sexual level. Something within the shadow that needs to be set free...

Fuck politeness. It’s time to be aware of what’s happening. To take advantage of these opportunities. To take it to the next level.

What i'm listening to:

I Just Wanna Stop
Gino Vannelli
Brother to Brother

When they were drawing up the Russian-Finnish border, a farmer had to decide whether he wanted to be in Russia or Finland, but he didn’t want to offend the Russian officials. These came to him and wanted to know why he wanted to be in Finland. The farmer replied, “It has always been my desire to live in Mother Russia, but at my age I wouldn’t be able to survive another Russian winter.”

Funny how we, as humans, are almost never looking at REALITY. We react to words, feed on words, live on words, rather than on reality.

This is why Facebook is part of the problem. And this is how I celebrate one hundred days away from that plague.

Why do we tend towards narcissistic tendencies? Why is it so complicated? Why must every day be a struggle? A battle from zero?

One guru I admire and follow tells me he never second guesses himself. He never even considers he may have said the wrong thing. Or done the wrong thing.

Another teaches not to take anything personally.

A third says to be aware of “I” and me’s effect on I. And that our feelings don’t define us. And that no one else’s love, etc. is more important that our awareness.

Yet, we do. People are wired to be the center of the matrix. It’s my story. It all revolves around me.

If she disappears from my life, I MUST have done something to do deserve this.

Yet, this is likely not the case.

She is the center of her story. She has wants, needs, desires. Maybe she is stuck in her head... flipping out over something she said, something she did, something she didn’t do.

Dammit! It’s NOT all about me. Stop second guessing. Stop taking everything so personally.

Only then can I truly grow.

And trust it’s okay to reach out to her. She may just need me right now.

Never mind...

What i'm listening to:

Ebony Eyes
Bob Welch
French Kiss

I had to fire all of my clocks this morning. #fuckDST

And I was like, why are you so obsessed with me?

What i'm listening to:

Obsessed
Mariah Carey
Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel

I don’t remember the entire dream, but I recall seeing the empty dog dish.

That dish planted a thought: When did you last feed your dog?

I sit upright in bed. Suddenly awake. Panicked. When did I? How long has it been?

Then I remember... and I remember why.

I miss you Cordy. #forCordelia