Ever have one of those days where the last thing you want to do—is anything?

Life still feels pretty empty. I’m drifting somewhere between almost getting it together and totally wrecked.

I know it’ll take time. Will it get easier? Honestly, I don’t know.

It feels so much harder than when I lost Aspen, but I think I have figured out why: when it was Aspen’s time, Cordelia was there for me. There were a LOT of hugs and kisses and walks and rides and more.

Cordelia was my rock. I didn’t realize it until she was gone. Now, all I want is my dog back.

Ugh.

I need to get it together. I need to accept she’s gone and move on. But, I need to let it take time. It won’t happen overnight...

But it will happen. Sure, it’ll still hurt, but at least I’ll be able to function again.

#forCordelia

It has been a rough couple of days. I’m not going to lie—I want my dog back.

So, I’m trying to cope. To grieve. To mourn.

This house feels so empty.

Some moments, I’m on the verge of falling apart.

Yet, she knew it was near. She was no longer able to hide the fear she felt as her body was failing her. Her last kiss proved to me it was the right thing to do.

Of course, the memory of the last kiss is what chokes me up each and every time.

So, I’m trying to cope. To grieve. To mourn.

Maybe it’ll get easier. Maybe it won’t.

I hope I always think of her fondly. She was a good dog. And she loved me more than any other living being. And proved that every single day.

She knew.

I discovered this passage on the internet over the summer, when her health started to fail. It helps, because it so accurately describes a dog’s love of life.

People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life—like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right? Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.

Then last month, I heard the following... which helps. I know it’s going to be alright. I know it’s natural. Yet, I can’t help feeling this void where my girl should still be...

Every life comes to an end, when time demands it. Loss of life is to be mourned, but only if the life was wasted.

Her life was no waste. We brought each other so much love—so much joy.

Yet, she was my old lady. She knew.

So, I’m trying to cope. To grieve. To mourn.

She doesn’t want me to be sad for her. It’s okay to be sad she’s gone, but it’s much more important to be thankful she was here... she was such an important part of my life.

It is critical to celebrate our lives together. To move on. To achieve those goals. To close the open loops. To get unstuck. To stop stagnating.

#forCordelia

I love you, baby girl.

It’s true what they say...

The hardest thing about owning a dog is—saying goodbye. I still can’t believe you’re gone, Cordelia Jane.

And, for the first time in nearly twenty years, I don’t have a dog.

Fourteen and a half years ago, you managed to find your way onto my buddy Dave’s porch. He had no way of bringing you into his life, so he brought you to work with him, with every intention of taking you to the Humane Society over the lunch hour.

You were so sad, and so precious, looking out his car window. So, I took you home. You got along with your big sister Aspen so well. The two of you kept each other company, played together, and Aspen, who could never stop running, kept you in shape, because you kept chasing... and chasing... and chasing. You were best friends.

Four years ago, when we lost Aspen, you became so sad. It was like a piece of you was missing. So I stepped up my game. I filled the void Aspen left behind. We started taking trips. You were allowed on the bed to sleep. We spent a LOT of time together. I know you loved me, just by the kisses you were so fond of giving.

Tonight, looking back on the pictures of our road trips... and especially the camping trips... I wish we had done more.

Yet, I have few regrets. You’ve been a great companion over the years. You were the one who taught me unconditional love. Through so many hours away at work, your love never wavered. You were always thrilled to see me.

Even this morning, after finding you’re suddenly unable to stand and walk... you still wagged. You still loved.

And you knew it was time, when you kissed me goodbye.

It was so hard to say goodbye to you, but I had to do it. For all of those times you were there for me, when my life was shitty. For all of those great times, when we’d run and run and play and laugh. For all those times you’d fetch the ball, or speak for the treat, and for all of those 43-second feedings that were clearly the highlight of each day.

For all of those cherished moments, I had to be there for you. I had to hold you until the end. There was no way I was going to let you go into the night... alone.

As sad as I am, it was such a relief when you were lying on that bed... totally relaxed and pain free. Today, we both agreed it was time.

It was time.

Becka, Meghan, and the rest of the staff at the hospital were great. I’m grateful for their tenderness in helping me say goodbye. And the hugs.

Thank you, Cordy Jane, for being such a great companion. I wish we could go on forever, but your job is finished. I will always love you and miss you, but I am thrilled you chose me to be a part of your life, and I will always cherish every moment we shared.

Godspeed, my baby girl.

Yet another teachable moment has presented itself to me. Another beautiful girl has ejected from my life.

That is too bad. I liked her. But she’s not my girl.

I have to remember, the battle is not against myself. It’s not “mistakes,” per se.

The battle is against mediocrity. It is time to get this handled.

I stumbled upon a quote that seems appropriate today:

You can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay. You need to be better.

Okay, so she’s not my girl. Pause for a moment and remember her (I really liked her!), then move on. Continue to be better... at life.

Who knows? If our paths should cross again, next time I’ll have something to say.

What i'm listening to:

Missed Opportunity
Daryl Hall & John Oates
Ooh Yeah!

It’s been several months since i’ve had such a lapse in posting. Like many bloggers, I’m not necessarily in a state where I have nothing to say... just not really motivated to say it.

Let’s face it, most of the problems in the world right now are simply tied to what people read on the internet. Definitely don’t feel the need to contribute to that problem.

However, life continues to be interesting. There are new dazzling ladies in my life. Tequila has become my best friend. Autumn teased me with her presence, yet Summer has been back in my life for the last few days... but that relationship is over.

Apple quietly discontinued the last iPhone I would consider buying, so I missed it. Guess there is a Samsung phone in my future. A friend of mine has even told me how he bridges the iTunes gap.

iTunes, I definitely have a love/hate relationship with that software. It’s so bloated. If it hadn’t been managing my playlists for nearly two decades—complete with play counts and dates songs appeared in my library—I’d have abandoned it long ago. But iTunes is the reason my iPod knows what songs I like to listen to.

Then there’s that camera in the newest iPhone...

Anyway, I have things to do. I wanted to check into this space though. Hopefully I’ll be back shortly.

What i'm listening to:

Not Myself Tonight
Christina Aguilera
Bionic