It's a beautiful and rather warm day, for the end of October.

I remember, as a kid growing up in northern Wyoming, having snow every single halloween.. leading to a winter parka and occasionally snowboots ruining my costume. Even back home, it looks like it will be snow-free evening.

Today, October ends, and I didn't get my wish for an early snowfall... but I'll live. Winter is right around the corner, after all! ;^)

So, dress up, attend a party, eat something that's bad for you, and have a fun night!

What i'm listening to:

Who's Crying Now
Journey
Escape

So, I've been invited to this hallowe'en party tomorrow night. It was originally going to take place at the club, but after it's closing, one of the club girls moved it to her house.

Should be fun, right?

Of course, my ideas are frequently quite late. I've been trying to figure out where I can find an English bowler... with no luck. My costume doesn't require it, but it would add a nice touch to it.

And I'll have to work on my British accent tonight. It's been a while since I've used it, and I would like for it not to suck tomorrow night.

Today, I grabbed a quick sandwich from my favorite coffee shop, and exchanged my usual banter with "Amy." She got a kick when I told her what I was going to dress up as, and she told me she wanted to be a slutty school girl, but she doesn't do heels, so she opted to go heavy on the bling, get a grill and be a wannabe sista.

She's cute... she can probably pull it off. I wonder if she'll take pictures?

Today, I've started the wheels in motion on planning trips to Greece, Hungary and Argentina. I'm not sure which order they will occur in, but it's never too early to start planning. At least the Greece trip is set in stone, but since it is part of a university course... it is also the most expensive and causes the most concern.

Right now, anyway... but let's see if we can't change that! ;^)

So, tonight I have a class, then the annual lecture at the university regarding the social history of the vampire... that I wouldn't miss on a bet! Then I need to pick up some hair coloring for tomorrow.

There are a couple of places I may be able to find a bowler in town yet. We'll see if I can find one. I haven't tried Sally Ann's yet.

Should I be concerned that my soda is chewy? I guess the fridge is set a wee bit on the cold side.

Finally, I'm guessing tomorrow night's party would be a fabulous night to bring along the ingredients for a Vesper martini. I hope she has gin... perhaps I'll send her a quick text and find out. ;^)

What i'm listening to:

Seventeen
Winger
Winger

Ok, so there's this one word that keeps popping up in my research. Identity.

As in: Create your own...

Identity is something I've never given much thought to. I suppose that's part of what's been wrong all along. After all, if you create an identity, you'll work towards maintaining it.

So, what is mine? Underachiever? Perhaps, but that's terrible. How non-alpha! I don't even think that qualifies as beta...

Another idea that has resurfaced is what I've done to create my identity. You know, I'm still young... and there is plenty I could be doing. Why don't I? Am I already a slave to my lifestyle? Do I have to keep this crappy job to maintain it?

More importantly, is there a way out?

At this point, it isn't about the job... it's about fixing me. One advancement I have made over the past couple of years is goal setting. I've set goals, but for one reason or another they haven't been met.

Sure, part of that is laziness and apathy... which I can, at least partially, blame on my crappy job, but I need to find that determination. Perhaps I need to modify my goals to matter MORE to me. Or maybe I just need to break down the steps into smaller steps that I can fit in around my work/school schedule.

I think the biggest part of my problem is that I was raised to always play it safe. I not only don't take risks, I've not even considered anything risky for so long that they no longer present themselves to me. Ok, I'm not saying that risks don't appear to me, but I've trained myself not to see them.

That's why I keep doing what I've always done. That's why I keep getting what I've always gotten.

That's why I need to make a change. I need to learn to embrace fear. I need to stop writing about it and actually DO something about it.

Breaking from my current lifestyle could be liberating. Breaking out of my shyness will definitely be liberating.

So, now the question is this: How do I break free from my lifestyle? Should I have a plan? Maybe I should only plan a couple of contingencies. Maybe everything should be spontaneous.

No, I think operating without a game plan is stupid. I need to make a plan, plot out potential outcomes, and get prepared for whatever can happen. I need to remember that the worst possible outcome probably won't happen, and not allow myself to get bogged down in analyzing details.

Like I always do.

So, what do I want to do? I want to take two weeks and fly to Europe... travel from Budapest to Salsburg and back, and make an adventure of it.

It would be a grand adventure... and more importantly, it will teach me those necessary life skills I should have had all along... I need to learn how to depend on myself, how to be more alpha.

So, this seems like a big step... I have a job and school, both of which take up extraordinary amounts of my time. I'm not exactly liquid at the moment, so I'd have to figure out how to afford it. However, that's the key. Nothing is impossible. It may seem daunting, but I just need to reframe it so that it is achievable. I need to figure out what I need to do to make it happen... to take back control of my own life. How can I not find myself along the way?

Carpe diem!

What i'm listening to:

Seventeen
Winger
Winger

Ok, I've alluded to this before. I've been working on getting video off of my DVDs and onto my file server so it can feed my iPod with my favorite standby movies... ones that I'll watch if I'm in a situation where I have nothing better to do.

Granted that doesn't happen very often... only boring people get bored, right?

However, mostly I'm thinking of when I travel... whether it's an overnight road trip or away for the week.

Anyway, I've rediscovered a short film that's on the DVD for Century Hotel called Moon Palace. I remember it blew me away the first time I saw it, and after watching again for the first time in a few years, I still love it.

"It's time to change your life and take flight."

The film is quirky, and I highly recommend finding a copy of Century Hotel so you can watch it. The main feature is incredible as well, but the short is the hidden gem.

I think I respect the film even more now... because I've come to realize that my "future, although it may appear cloudy at present, is actually very auspiscious."

Today, I happened upon a pre-release copy of Britney's new album. Just the notion that I would listen to it would make most of my friends cringe and cower in fear (although personally, I'm finding that not one of them knows me as well as he or she thought!), but I gave it a listen just the same.

It's a solid pop album. I would say that it is the best of her career, and unlike most pop albums, I made it through each song without skipping a track, which says something to me.

I don't know if I'd promote it as great... but then I know I wouldn't need to. The album is going to sell a bajillion copies to lovers and haters alike... many people will buy just out of morbid curiosity of what one blog calls "America's favorite train wreck."

It's definitely a dance album, and Spears and her producers put together something they can be proud of, and something that should make a lot of money. Something that deserves to make money.

Of course, while I'm not a fan of Britney, I do think that the media wanna-be's on the internet are largely responsible for at least some of her problems. I'm not saying that she wouldn't screw up if she wasn't under the scrutiny of the online community 24/7, but people need to realize that it isn't a big deal.

Just because she lives in a different world, loves the attention and commands a presence whether she wants to or not, doesn't mean she doesn't still shit, shave and sleep. Seriously, what would the world find out if the cameras followed one of the haters around with such enthusiasm?

Give the girl a break. She's only 25... she's supposed to be an idiot! I cannot think of a single girl in her early to mid-twenties who isn't. It's just most of them don't have the media and internet exposing every flaw.

Besides, we learn from our mistakes... and we should be allowed to without going through the trauma of the world judging us because of our mistakes.

Why can't we extend Britney, Lindsay, Paris, and all of the other celebutantes the same privilege. I know this will never happen, but ideally people definitely need to get a life and stop caring so much about the lives of others. We need to stop using the misfortunes of stupid celebrities (who are young and entitled to be stupid) to make us feel better about our own train wreck of a life.

If we really want to help rescue Britney, we need to stop judging her. Let her be twenty-five.

What i'm listening to:

Piece of Me
Britney Spears
Blackout

So, I've been going through another stretch where I just haven't felt like writing. This weekend, that'll change... because it'll be time to stick my nose back into my history projects.

At least I'm returning to some semblance of normalcy. I've returned to the gym, I've attempted to stop skipping meals, and my sleep is beginning to balance back out.

I haven't gone out and socialized, however. I'm not going to say that is a bad thing. It will be, and I'll need to begin my quest for a new place to hang out, but for now, I'm cool with it.

In lieu of clubbing, though, I'll at least need to put myself in social situations. I need to keep building my comfort level with being social. When I'm spending a great deal of time alone at the house, it is way too easy to get back into my old thought patterns and habits.

Way too easy. And waaaay less fun.

For instance, one fun thing that I've realized lately is that women don't like to be ignored. Just the other day, I was visiting my favorite coffee shop and ordering a sandwich from a girl I'd never seen there before.

From her behavior, she thought I wasn't funny, or I was just an ass, or something. Anyway, I wasn't getting anywhere with my flirting. Not a big deal... I've learned that some girls just aren't "fun."

Anyway, "Amy" returns to behind the counter from her break, and we start chatting. The conversation goes from iPods to cars to money to jobs... which for someone who used to hardly have two words for me, is pretty impressive. Anyway, this brought the new girl into the conversation... but the impression I was getting was that she didn't want to get left out of it. She even got pretty pushy about staying in it.

Of course, I just found it all amusing. Really, everything is very amusing when you look at it from the right angle!

So, there are benefits to being social. I have to say I'm learning more now than ever before... which is a good thing, and the pay off will be incredible! =^)

What i'm listening to:

Break It Down Again
Tears for Fears
Elemental

So, for the most part, I've been flying under the radar for the past several weeks. I spent a couple of weeks holed up in my home working fervently on my history project... to a point where I just kind of broke down last week.

No, not a nervous breakdown. Just to the point where I needed to stop. I needed to get my life back.

Friday and Saturday night were both spent at the club. Just another couple of fun nights... but with the dark cloud looming overhead.

Early Sunday morning, when everyone was finally leaving, it was like the last day of high school... except no one wanted to leave. Some of the girls were crying.

But everyone will survive. That much is certain. Maybe, someday, there'll be some place else to go as well.

Today, I attended a luncheon at the university. The luncheon's purpose was to promote the summer class which includes a trip to Greece.

Now, I've been very excited about the prospect of overseas travel for a long, long time... and now my opportunity is here. Three weeks in the magical isles.

How much fun will that be? Waiting until next May might just prove to be a difficult task, but three full weeks in a foreign land. Imagine the possibilities!

Something to look forward to!

And, as if I didn't have enough to look forward to... there is a new Harold and Kumar movie due out next year! The trailer is available at What would NPH do?

Yes, that movie is on one of my lists. =^)

What i'm listening to:

Back in Black
AC/DC
Back in Black

Today, I'm in mourning. I just learned that my favorite club... which I haven't been to in the past few weeks... is closing Saturday night.

I have a date Saturday night in Kansas City, so I won't even be there for the big blowout.

So, it looks like I'll be going out tonight. I'll need to take advantage of my VIP status one last time, before it's gone. There are no other clubs like this in the area, so if I really want to continue with the club scene I'll probably have to move.

Which I wouldn't mind doing anyway... It seems like I already know too many of the ladies here. I want to live somewhere where I can virtually meet someone new every night for a year.

That would be fun, wouldn't it?

However, there just aren't any bars in town that I enjoy. I have a friend who says that I'm not very adaptable, which is a fair statement. I do need to be more adaptable. However, do I have to like sports bars? It was fun hanging out in a club when the ladies are ALWAYS dressed up... and now that will be gone.

So, tonight I'll have to go and see if I can get some phone numbers. Where will I find the few ladies I've counted on seeing at the club?

At least I wasn't the last to find out... but I'm still sad.

Maybe someone will buy it and continue provide this rarity. If only I had the resources, I would.

I'm afraid that would take more than a PayPal Donate button on the page, though. Ideally, I'd like to be able to buy it as a project that can run with a reasonable net loss... just to keep it as it is today.

Oh, did I mention that this is the place that helped me through the rough patch last summer? Didn't think so. Funny how a place can mean so much after such a short amount of time.

C'est la vie...

What i'm listening to:

Malibu
Hole
Celebrity Skin

Everything in my life is derailed. So, the question now is this: How do I get back on track?

I'm burned out. I suppose I should have seen this coming with all of my extra-curricular activities... but I really did enjoy having something going all the time.

A couple of years ago, I made the decision to become a history major. It seemed like a logical decision... since I just eat up anything history related. However, I think I'm more of a history hobbyist. A dilettante, if you will. I enjoy reading about something and thinking, "Wow, I didn't know that." Then I enjoy doing some more quick research and knowing just a bit more about the subject, then moving on.

I guess I never gave much thought to becoming a "historian." Being a historian requires a LOT of work. There's a lot of book finding, reading, analyzing, and then there's a lot of writing.

Then there's attributing credit to sources, and editing, and more reading, more sources, more writing... and it all takes so much time.

Enough time, in fact, that I find I don't have time for much else.

Which is bad... and the source of my burnout. I can feel the depression lurking below the surface. I miss socializing, I miss the ladies. Plus, the longer I go without using my new social skills, the further below the surface they'll sink.

So, this week has been a week "off." I need to work towards that harmonious balance of eating, sleeping, working, exercising and recreation. True, that balance may not actually exist, but if I quit striving to find it I'm going to lose everything I've worked for since the "before time."

And I've been experiencing these headaches. They aren't migraines, in fact, they aren't even particularly painful... it's more of a numbing sensation. I'm certain it's stress-related... a result of trying to do too much.

Additionally, I'm having a hard time maintaining state... hence my depression fears. Of course, I'm sure that's all from the stress I've been putting on myself too.

So, what's next? How do I re-organize an already full schedule to insure I have time to do everything? I suppose the logical first step is to make a list of what I need to do, prioritize it, estimate how long it will take to complete each activity, set reasonable goals and deadlines.

And stick with it. No one thing is so important that everything else can fall away... that's the prize I need to keep an eye on.

You know what, I feel better already! Sometimes, you just need to write things out to figure out the next plan, or to get through a mental block. Hmm... that's a valuable note in itself... since there are plenty of mental blocks I seem to set up for myself.

Back to reframing... it's not that I can't do it, it's what do I need to do to make it possible?

Finally, I'm starting to have the "snow" dreams. I can't wait! =^)

What i'm listening to:

Whip-Smart
Liz Phair
Whip-Smart

So far, all of my efforts to recover my priceless iTunesDB file from my iPod have proven fruitless. It looks like I'll be starting over in training my mp3 players to know what songs I like more than others.

I wonder how difficult it will be since I want to "auto-update" which means each change will be synced with my Mac.

I am debating using my last known good backup of iTunesDB... from my iPod woes last winter when the problem was reversed... the DB file was fine, but the songs were missing.

All that will be lost is the summer. Let's see, what happened since last winter in music.

Umbrella happened, which propelled Rihanna into the stratosphere. I discovered club music, Regina Spektor and Feist. Ozzy, Avril and Kelly each released new albums. I rediscovered the first Pet Shop Boys album as well as Bryan Ferry. I saw Casino Royale, which instantly landed in my Top-20, and I fell in love with the soundtrack. I *finally* added Exposé's Exposure to my 80s collection. And spring, then summer came with no new album from Rachael.

And apparently, I hated most of the music I added to my iPod in August... with the exception of my rediscovery of Elvis and my introduction to Lisa Marie's music.

So, not much... however there is the question of what to do about the songs that I've listened to SOOO many times that I still like them, but I'm pretty burned out on. Last month, I'd added the perfect smart playlist to accommodate those. Since those songs are old timers, restoring from that backup file will identify them.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

I have to admit that my curiosity got the best of me last night... and now I can read my email, check the weather, take notes, and utilize Google maps... all from my iPod.

Plus, I can play NES games... which is fun. =^)

Which means I need to revive the brick. This new iPod has too many distractions (one of my original fears about owning an iPod video), so I'd like to have another option... especially for those boring days at work.

Kinda like this one. I do wish it would stop raining. Bleah!

What i'm listening to:

Family Man
Hall & Oates
H₂O