Yesterday, I realized something about myself. Something huge. I figured out something major that’s holding me back.

I no longer have any doubt that I will someday find love. I have seen it... at least the beginnings. It’s in that look... I can totally see it in her eyes. She’s mine... all I have to do is...

Well, all I have to do is anything!

So, I do nothing. That’s the rub.

For whatever reason, I must feel inside like I’m undeserving of happiness... undeserving of being a part of this wonderful young lady’s life.

Sure, there’s all that macho bullshit of “being unfair to the other girls,” but if I really like someone who really likes me back, the other girls really shouldn’t matter that much.

Right?

So, here I am... upset, hungover, and alone. It doesn’t have to be this way.

What am I going to do about it? Well, that, my friends, is the $64,000 question. I can continue to do nothing. I can leave my life in such chaos that I won’t allow anyone in.

Or I can stop shutting these girls out of my life. I can stop losing them one at a time and going through this sliver of hell each time. I can let someone in. I can take advantage of that look... the look where she’s mine, if I just do something.

Nothing isn’t an option. If I continue to do nothing, I’ll keep getting... nothing.

What i'm listening to:

You Can't Always Get What...
Rolling Stones
Let It Bleed

Events are the teachers of fools. However, I'm not certain this fool is learning anything.

This battle going on inside my head is getting rather tiresome. I have so much to unlearn before I can evolve. I trip over sticking points and run head first into walls.

Sticking points that aren't there. Walls that don't really exist.

It's funny, because when it comes to randoms, nothing can stop me. I'm charming, suave, and seductive. Of course, those three things also apply with women I know and women I like.

However, when it comes to going in for the kiss, I stumble. Second base? Forget about it. Why do I stop when I'm with someone I like?

What's so frustrating about this is I can see that moment in her eyes when she's eagerly anticipating the next move and she sees in my eyes that I'm internally shutting it down. How sad!

What kind of fool am I?

When the fun-sized college girl is all over you and kissing your neck, she's ready to go! When you're curled up on a twenty-something professional's sofa watching a classic movie about love, sex, insecurity and deception, she's ready to go!

When she's ready to go, and you don't "go," you betray her trust. You're in damage control. You've probably lost her.

Again, I know enough about women to know how that must trigger her insecurities... yet I still continue to let mine get the best of me.

Last night, I was chatting with the aforementioned twenty-something about one of our mutual friends. This mutual friend is someone I'd previously blown a potential relationship with... someone who is so incredibly happy right now... someone who makes me wonder if I will ever create that kind of happiness inside that incredible woman.

The man she found really has his shit together. My life, while it is far better than it was during the dark times, is still more-or-less in shambles.

I know I need to get my life together for myself before I can bring that lucky young lady into it. I can truly make her happy, but I have to be firmly rooted before I'll be confident of it.

Perhaps this is why I continuously sabotage my relationship with the women I actually like.

I need to take a break. I need to get my life together. I need to end this ongoing battle inside my head. The lucky ladies in my life deserve no less!

Hell, I deserve it!

Fools have to learn by experience.

What i'm listening to:

You're Only Human
Billy Joel
Greatest Hits Vol. II