Events are the teachers of fools. However, I'm not certain this fool is learning anything.

This battle going on inside my head is getting rather tiresome. I have so much to unlearn before I can evolve. I trip over sticking points and run head first into walls.

Sticking points that aren't there. Walls that don't really exist.

It's funny, because when it comes to randoms, nothing can stop me. I'm charming, suave, and seductive. Of course, those three things also apply with women I know and women I like.

However, when it comes to going in for the kiss, I stumble. Second base? Forget about it. Why do I stop when I'm with someone I like?

What's so frustrating about this is I can see that moment in her eyes when she's eagerly anticipating the next move and she sees in my eyes that I'm internally shutting it down. How sad!

What kind of fool am I?

When the fun-sized college girl is all over you and kissing your neck, she's ready to go! When you're curled up on a twenty-something professional's sofa watching a classic movie about love, sex, insecurity and deception, she's ready to go!

When she's ready to go, and you don't "go," you betray her trust. You're in damage control. You've probably lost her.

Again, I know enough about women to know how that must trigger her insecurities... yet I still continue to let mine get the best of me.

Last night, I was chatting with the aforementioned twenty-something about one of our mutual friends. This mutual friend is someone I'd previously blown a potential relationship with... someone who is so incredibly happy right now... someone who makes me wonder if I will ever create that kind of happiness inside that incredible woman.

The man she found really has his shit together. My life, while it is far better than it was during the dark times, is still more-or-less in shambles.

I know I need to get my life together for myself before I can bring that lucky young lady into it. I can truly make her happy, but I have to be firmly rooted before I'll be confident of it.

Perhaps this is why I continuously sabotage my relationship with the women I actually like.

I need to take a break. I need to get my life together. I need to end this ongoing battle inside my head. The lucky ladies in my life deserve no less!

Hell, I deserve it!

Fools have to learn by experience.

What i'm listening to:

You're Only Human
Billy Joel
Greatest Hits Vol. II