Well, that was unexpected.

Let me begin by stating that I’ve grown immensely over the last several years. The end of the relationship is not as devastating as it once was.

Yet, it still affects me. I liked you. I’ll be sad if you don’t come along... but I am going anyway.

I’m transcending. I love love. I love the process, the feelings, the experience. The beginnings, the good times, the bad.

It’s all amazing. It creates us.

Yet, I will still miss you. Why aren’t you my girlfriend? You could be my favorite.

Today, I’m sad. Tomorrow will be different. I really liked you. This might take a week.

Yet, I’ll continue to have tremendous fun with life. I want you to come along, but I’m going with or without you.

What i'm listening to:

Don’t Believe Anymore
Icehouse
Sidewalk

Change her mood, not her mind.

No, wait.

Change MY mood, not MY mind.

Mind = blown.

What i'm listening to:

Suddenly
Olivia Newton-John
Xanadu

Is she fantasizing about you?

If not, why not?

I was reminded of this today... although I’m not sure why. Currently, this isn’t a problem.

However, today I was reminded that relationships can be challenging to navigate. Why are our minds so turbulent? Why does a change in my life bring her into a bout of depression?

Why indeed.

A call with a friend today helped. He reminded me of another old axiom I knew at one time—“Change her mood, not her mind.”

Why do I lose the ability to do the “right thing” when I go on auto-pilot?

Hmm... perhaps that’s the rub. I should never go on auto-pilot.

Not in work. Not in life. And certainly not where she’s concerned.

Awareness. Maybe my definition for awareness will be the ability to steer my own life... without auto-pilot.

Does that make sense?

I clearly need sleep.

What i'm listening to:

Right Beside You
Sophie B. Hawkins
Whaler

I’ve been spending more and more time with this girl.

Each time, I feel closer and closer to her. We’re starting to plan activities—from working out to sightseeing in Switzerland.

Too ambitious? Perhaps. Yet it has been a long time since I’ve had someone who makes me feel this way.

She inspires me to be more than I am. To be better. To grow. She boosts my confidence. She believes in me.

Maybe she was the missing piece in my evolution.

As much as I love my solitude, it is too easy to become complacent in your desires. It can’t hurt to have someone who gives me that extra push, right?

It’s time to focus again. Master the madness within. Experience joy, passion, love.

Live life.

This week has certainly had it’s ups and downs.

Sunday, I had a brunch date with a beautiful girl. We had a lively discussion about life, travel, careers, and things, and I left feeling inspired. Spending time with her makes me want to be better—not just for her (or us), but for myself.

You know, one of those connections where you realize a bit of what you consider “important,” is really just unnecessary bullshit?

Afterwards, we walked around uptown and window shopped, all the while connecting... until we each had things to do and parted ways.

Monday, that connection deepened as I taught her what the word “fickle” meant—while telling her she is.

Tuesday morning, I awoke to a house with no heat, and no time to get someone in here to correct the issue. It ended up being a great day to work a double-shift. While working, she sent me a deep, heartfelt message about what discovering she’s fickle means to her.

Wednesday ended up being a shit-show at work, after which returning to a cold house didn’t help. Watching a couple episodes of Cheers, however, did. As did Thursday, a fantastic... albeit uneventful... day.

Then, late Friday evening she messaged me to let me know she wanted to meet up for a drink. I picked the place, and we met up. Everything is there. The way she looks at me. The way she touches me. The way she leans into me when I touch her. The lively conversation continues. The deepening connection continues.

This girl. She’s awakening hope within me. She’s awakening dreams.

Finally, once again, I’m inspired. I want to be a better person. For me. For her. Hell, for all the wonderful people in my life.

But mostly for me.

Even if this relationship stalls, I’m grateful she’s awakened inspiration in my life.

Now I owe it to myself to keep it alive and act on it.

What i'm listening to:

Could It Be I’m Falling...
The Spinners
Spinners

Just going to put this out there:

• I love my 20-hour a week lifestyle.
• “No More Tears” is a beautiful song—an aural feast, if you will.
• A day without Earl Grey is like a day without sunshine.
• Winter cannot come back soon enough, but I will adapt.
• I have hit peak alcohol in my home. Since I really don’t drink much, I think it is time to throw a party. At the very least, it’s time to put a ban on alcohol purchases until there is room in the bar and beer fridge.
• Somewhere along the way, I’ve forgotten to be mindful about leaving people better than I find them. Not that I’m not, but being aware of this mindset always makes a difference.
• Just like believing she is dazzling.
• Oh, is there a basketball game on? I hadn’t noticed.
• I haven’t been working on affirmations. No more excuses—it’s time to eradicate the bad programming and put good habits into practice.
• I also need to study—not for a test, but in a way to actually learn something. Somewhere along the way, I lost this ability.

Final thought from the guru:

If someone buys you a gift, and you refuse it, to whom does the gift belong? If someone sets out to offend and verbally abuse you, and you refuse it, to whom does that abuse belong?

What i'm listening to:

No More Tears
Ozzy Osbourne
No More Tears