It's time for something new. I think keeping this blog has been fun, and it has certainly helped me evolve into someone new... but it is time to move on.

Besides, no one reads it anyway... if they do, they don't comment. That's ok though... I'm not doing it for anyone but myself. I really don't care who reads it, gets offended, whatever. Those "approval seeking" days are behind me.

However, those days of wasting time that could be spent doing something productive are also passing... hence the end of this blog. I have considered that if I'm going to continue journaling, I may as well do it online... but it is just as easy to keep a notebook under my mattress, is it not? ;^)

I may still journal, and in the interest of continuing to improve myself, I may commit to writing a blog later. However, it's going to have to be about something.

Something I'm passionate about. Not just a vehicle for my narcissism. Or my "emo" alter-ego on those days. Perhaps those days are behind me as well.

Howver, I have a couple more things on my list to write about... with any luck I'll get the last two posts up before the end of the year.

Will it matter? I'm not sure, I'm installing Wordpress in January for the new blog, and I haven't decided if this one will get moved or if I'll just allow it to fade away. I'm leaning towards the latter...

Anyway, it's been fun... but I'm terribly excited about the journey ahead. I'm moving into Narcissist 2.0... which should be tremendous! I have a lot to look forward to, not the least of is a three week stay in Greece!

Plus, I'm *almost* ready for prime time. It's about time!

And thank God I'm only watching the game – controlling it – Murray Head - One Night in Bangkok

What i'm listening to:

Mayor of Your Town
Leona Naess
I Tried to Rock You But You...

Fear is a funny thing.

No, not "ha, ha" funny... it's just hard to wrap your head around it.

First, let's look at the standard definition:

fear n. 1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. 2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. 3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety. 4. reverential awe, esp. toward God. 5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.
v. (used with object) 6. to regard with fear; be afraid of. 7.to have reverential awe of. 8. Archaic. to experience fear in (oneself).
v. (used without object) 9. to have fear; be afraid. Courtesy of Dictionary.com

I think what's fascinating, yet hard to grasp at the same time, is that there are so many levels of fear.

Or are there?

My dog, Aspen, has a paralyzing fear of thunderstorms. Observing her during a storm, it is clear that her fear is so intense that her mind just shuts down. She seeks absolutely nothing but comfort and shelter from the storm. There is nothing I can do to change this, no way to train it out of her. Her "freak outs" are a behavior that cannot be modified.

Myself, I have a fear of heights. I don't like being up high, on a ladder, peeking over a cliff, ferris wheel, whatever... I'd just rather not do that. However, as a human being, can I modify my anxieties? Can I put them to a more productive use than the typical paralyzing fear?

Something else that makes me "freeze" and is terribly irrational is video cameras. I've learned to accept still cameras, and I don't mind having pictures taken, but I abhor being on someone's video.

Last night, I was at this event shooting pictures... and when the news cameras showed up, I promptly left.

Is that so irrational?

Ok, so now I'm trying to wrap my head around my fear of heights and news cameras... and make some sort of link with my fear of failure (success). Are they similar? Are they different? Is it merely a choice of deciding I'm going to work on each one, one at a time? Is it better to tackle all at once?

Whatever, I'll figure it out someday... as long as my analysis doesn't lead to paralysis.

What i'm listening to:

Burnin' for You
Blue Öyster Cult
Fire of Unknown Origin

If you are reading this... I have a question for you.

Here is your challenge, should you choose to accept it. You stumble upon a bottle on the beach. You pick it up, and rub the dust off of it onto your sleeve. The lid pops off and it begins to smoke.

Before you know it, a genie has appeared and is offering to grant you three wishes.

What do you wish for?

I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking about what I would wish for if this happened to me. I don't necessarily believe in having wishes magically granted, but I think that knowing what you would wish for helps you set goals to strive for.

Especially if you take some time and think about what you would really like to have. As people, it is human nature to want more. It's frustrating in a way, because many of the things we think we want, don't really do anything for us when we get them.

Then, there are people who get everything they want... there's no challenge for it in them. When something does challenge them, they don't even know how to perform to get through it.

So, tell me... what would you wish for if you could have three wishes?

What i'm listening to:

You Keep Me Hangin' On
Kim Wilde
Another Step

Ok, so I wrote out a blog entry yesterday, but somehow it never got posted.

Or saved.

Whatever, it wasn't that good anyway. I was crabby yesterday, or as Tammy would say, "You're cranky."

Cranky. Crabby. Whatever.

Not today!

Why?

It snowed.

Finally.

It snowed. If only you had seen my eyes light up when I looked out my front door this morning to find this. Snow!

Absolutely my favorite time of the year! Now that we've had the first snow... everything is perfect again!

Even the annoying Kansas drivers couldn't kill my mood this morning. Nor the job. Nor the homework. Not projects. Not mean people. Nothing.

Tonight, I shall make it a point to go outside and play a little bit before resuming my history projects.

It's the most wonderful time of the year... =^D

What i'm listening to:

O Yeah
End of Fashion
End of Fashion

So, I had this job interview over the weekend.

Sad to say, it reaffirmed several of my suspicions, as well as convinced me that an entirely different direction is in order.

You see, at my current job, what I do has undergone an evolution. It was a process by which I had to learn reactively what it would take to meet the client's needs. As problems arise, I again learn reactively how to deal with the problems.

After doing this for several months, I'm still being reactive. In fact, I don't know how to do this job in a proactive state.

Anyway, the position I was being interviewed for was a step up from what I am currently doing... complete with appealing benefits and a fabulous work environment.

But, I couldn't answer the questions I was being asked. It wasn't voluntary, I assure you... I simply wasn't capable of answering the questions. I didn't know the answers. It left me feeling like I'm no longer a boy, but not yet a man.

To further aggravate my mind, some flaws were pointed out in my previous projects. Now, I was never confident that flaws wouldn't appear... but that didn't make the pill any easier to swallow.

I'm merely a tiny fish in a vast ocean. I've been in way over my head, and I really don't know what I'm doing. I've never had sufficient training, and while I'd be willing to learn it, I'm remedial enough at what I do that I don't believe that I could be hired.

Why hire someone who needs to be trained when there are other candidates who know exactly what you need and how to answer your questions?

I'd always suspected as much... and while it would be neat and clean to pass the blame onto my employer for taking the cheap route, I need to assume the responsibility myself.

Besides, if the company really doesn't want to invest in someone who can do the job proactively... well, then one day they will get what they paid for.

Meanwhile, I need to take the responsibility for getting myself where I want to be. I've been unhappy with my j.o.b. long enough... and it has been several months since my position strayed from the purpose for which I was hired.

It is time. My future awaits... at least I know not to waste my time pursuing that position which I've no aptitude for, regardless of what "experience" I've acquired. It's all been smoke and mirrors.

What i'm listening to:

Take Me on the Floor
The Veronicas
Hook Me Up