Happy New Year’s Eve Eve. Yet another year. What’s next?

Let’s take a look at the year in review first... for (what is likely) the first time since starting this writing space, I have a job I don’t hate. In fact, most days I can’t believe I get paid for doing it. Yeah, it’s kinda like that.

I set a goal of reading fifty books this year. I surpassed it by fifteen. Still can’t hardly believe it... that one goal has changed many aspects of my life. Now, I hope to remain an avid reader for the remainder of my days.

I hardly watch television. I’m still relieved to say I don’t watch regular television programming, save for binge watching the latest season of Game of Thrones. The last season, which I’m told won’t even air in this coming year, will likely be the last of my being a slave to the way television USED to be.

While I don’t subscribe to it, I like where TV is headed. Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon have brought us a world where we can watch a television show all at once—on our own schedule. No longer do I have to wait until next week to see who shot Walter White.

Or sit through all of those damned commercials.

Or, if I choose, I can sit on YouTube and seek out the commercials and skip the programming.

Why waste so much time watching video though?

Also, in the past year I have discovered beer. Truly.

It’s a hazard of my job, I suppose, that I would learn which beers I enjoy, including dark beers I never would have tried otherwise. Beer is so much more diverse than I ever imagined, and I will enjoy this ride.

I have returned to the dark side of technology. I purchased a Surface, which I have since discovered is absolutely useless as a tablet—the reason I bought it. Damn these things are big. And it just feels dirty as a Mac user buying a Microsoft product.

Yet, the iPads have always disappointed me. I’ve never understood the draw. We’ll see if I keep this Surface though. It’s barely an inch smaller than my MacBook Air, so, again, it’s useless as a tablet.

Finally, I’m progressing in my journey to the dark side of myself. I have read so many books explaining how toxic it is to live inside one’s head—constantly checking what you do with the ego within. It’s time to apply what I’ve learned. To let my shadow thrive and enjoy myself, life and the ladies.

On that note, it is time to set some goals for the coming year.

Fifty new experiences: It is time for me to slip out of my shell. I’m NOT evolving, which is the one thing I desire. I want more. I want it all. Money. Power. Women.

Broken down, this amounts to doing one thing that makes me uncomfortable each week, for the purpose of growing and evolving. There’s no real reason I shouldn’t do at least one thing that makes me uncomfortable each day... but fifty is a good start. It’s time to practice what I preach. Information alone is NOT enough.

More books: I’ll strive to continue reading. This year’s goal of twenty-five books is easily attainable, yet will not get in the way of the previously mentioned evolution.

No reason to make the excuse, “I’d rather not ‘people’ today, and just go home and finish my book.”

Purge one collection: I’m a chronic collector. I have stacks of records, books, DVDs, CDs—I collect. As the world itself moves to a more agrarian way of delivering information and media, it’s time to let some of that go.

Do I really need to download the new Taylor Swift album if it’s on the cloud service I subscribe to?

Yet, that isn’t really the point. I’ve come to believe the collector mindset is toxic. It’s too scarce. To live an abundant life, I need to accept that anything I really need in my life will be available whenever I need it.

Plus, applying this to the previous resolutions, I need to be willing to ruin it all to learn the lesson. Try the counterintuitive—even if it means losing her. If she goes, there will be another.

Finally, there’s the women: I have a history of blown opportunities in my life. So, I need to meet a new woman every day this year. Let’s call it 300, if only to avoid the demotivator of, “I didn’t leave the house today, so that resolution is shot.”

There are so many women out there. All I need to do is talk to them. There is no reason to ever sleep alone.

To that end, I’ll give any woman a chance to win me over—especially the dazzling ones.

2018 will be an incredible year!

What i'm listening to:

Shining Star
The Manhattans
After Midnight

“Go on,” I whisper, as I unfold my hands toward the open sky. A single fuck escapes from my fingers, soaring gracefully into the cool air.

“You’re free now,” I say.

My last fuck has gone.

Approaching this new year—yet another rebuilding year (aren’t they all?)—this reminds me to set and strive for goals.

To be more poetic.

To give fewer fucks.

To apply what I’m learning/what I’ve read.

To evolve into the best me.

Peace and prosperity. And power. And women. Let’s do this.

What i'm listening to:

Absolutely (Story of a Girl)
Nine Days
The Madding Crowd

If everyone else is crazy, perhaps the problem is you.

I find this applying more and more in my life. More failed dates. More flakes. Losing girls to fun guys... ultimately realizing I’m not as fun as I once thought.

After several months of this development detour, I’ve had many a-ha moments... yet nothing that sticks.

I still crawl inside my head. I still do nothing. I just watch in horror as the spark of interest fades from your eyes... while sitting next to me... because I’m not doing anything to advance this.

I’m breaking inside. I want to pursue this. I like you. You like me.

Why not? Life is short. Life is dull. Life is full of pain. And this is the chance for something special.

And I still do nothing. Your interest is hemorrhaging. Is it too late? I can salvage this.

No. I do nothing. Stuck in my head.

Fuck.

I know you want this. We wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. We talk of hotels and hot tubs. We talk of blankets and snuggling on the couch. We even figure out some logistics.

Yet nothing.

Why do I continue to struggle with this? Clearly, the problem is within me. My inner game is still not there. That’s the rub.

Somehow, you have to get out of your head to fix what’s going on in there. To improve your inner game, you have to roll with the moment.

I like you. You like me.

I thought I liked me too... but perhaps that’s the problem. I’m not ready for you until I like me.

The more I learn, the less I know.

Truly, this feels like the ultimate axiom.

Then there are the light bulbs. I’ve read so much this year—too much? Time will tell. At least there is a common theme. I’m nearly finished with The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, which is telling me to say, “Fuck it,” and do something.

It doesn’t even matter what I do. Just start doing something/anything and I’ll figure it out.

I’m not an academic. I crave fun and joy and these beautiful women. She’s into me, and all I do is mess it up.

Fuck.

Okay, that’s it. All of these profound lessons are not going to be wasted on me. It’s time to say, “Fuck it.”

Start doing something. Anything. Screw it up, if only to learn the lesson. At least you’re doing something. If you lose her, there are plenty more women out there. Get out there. Meet some girls. Screw up some relationships.

Just do something.

Hesitation is the enemy. Hesitation will destroy you. Stop thinking about it, and just do something.

What i'm listening to:

Cake by the Ocean
DNCE
DNCE

So, this morning I was running late for work. I rush out, feed the dogs and then hop in the car. I turned the key, and nothing happened. My first thought is that it’s going to be “that kind of day.”

However, after taking a step back... it’s become a day where I’m realizing I have plenty to be grateful for. Clearly, this Toyota owes me nothing yet keeps providing me with quasi-reliable transportation on a daily basis... in spite of my neglect of the maintenance schedule. Occasionally, why shouldn’t she get a day off?

The situation could have been sooo much worse. My car is sitting in my driveway with 369,996 miles on it. I am home, and able to get to work and carry on with my day.

Last weekend, an unplanned trip from Omaha, NE to Hesston, KS added an extra 600 miles that I was nervous about putting on. I am thrilled to report that trip went without incident.

Just last night, I ventured up alone to the Shawnee State Fishing Lake to get away from the city lights and enjoy the Geminid Meteor Shower... even tried to take a few pictures. I was up there long enough to completely exhaust my phone and camera batteries and lacked the foresight to pack any charging cables for my spur of the moment trip.

Today, I’m sitting here thinking about how I stayed out enjoying the night sky until my feet felt like ice blocks and realize that I could still be by the lake, stranded and without technology.

So, yes... today is a wonderful day! Isn’t everyday? Just let go of those little annoyances that don’t matter and enjoy what you have!

—

Posted on the Facebook five years ago today. Seemed appropriate to post here as well.

Almost halfway through the last month of the year, and here I am. It’s noon. I’m still in my boxers, in bed.

I believe it is safe to say, I’ve stalled.

I haven’t been writing. I have barely been reading, although I’d like to finish one more book before the year is up. I didn’t leave the house at all yesterday (or did I?). And I’m inside my head. Again.

My weight loss even stalled during my road trip at the end of November. I’ve returned to that sticky 166 pounds. I’m not sure why that is such a psychological barrier, but for whatever reason, that scale has not moved lower than 166 in weeks. Same diet. Same level of activity.

Although, I haven’t gone for any more runs. That is a shame.

Thinking about her? Perhaps. Yet I have a few dates set up for this week that do not involve her.

I’ve been thinking about New Year’s Resolutions... and how this is the first year I’ve accomplished a fairly significant one.

I’m not kidding myself. Reading fifty books in a year is a big deal... especially to someone who had evolved into a non-reader. I’d still rather pick up a book than watch television, or go to the movie, or work, or cook, or clean. Not so much on the cooking and cleaning—I’m clearly not having a problem finding food, and my house is rather sparkly... for a bachelor pad.

So, what to do next year?

I think reading is still important. I’ll continue to push myself on that front—perhaps thirty books. The big struggle I’d like to tackle, however, is pushing my comfort boundaries.

I read a lot about how, in order to grow and evolve, I need to push myself into some things that make me uncomfortable. Most of the helpful books I read, I simply read. I failed to put into practice the activities included within that might enable me to ascend to the next level.

And the level above that.

And the level above that.

To that end, it’s fair to resolve to break through fifty barriers of limiting beliefs that are holding me back. This means it’s finally time to figure out what I want, to build that “dream board,” to get over myself, and to keep pushing towards success.

And to have tremendous fun while doing it.

Seriously, it’s time to stop taking myself so seriously.

Loosen up... have some fun! Yes, sleep when you feel like it, not when you think you should. Eat food that is bad for you - at least once in a while. Have conversations with people whose clothes are not color coordinated. Make love in a hammock! Life is the ultimate experience, and you have to live it to write about it.

For many, many years, I have dreaded the silly season. That saccharin-sweet window between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s. Love blah blah blah.

Well, this year, I endeavor to look at the season with a bit more lightness.

Life is good. Anything that suggests otherwise is merely in my head. I just need to remind myself that everyday starts anew—that the struggle of that realization begins fresh each day.

And on those bad days? Well, I’ll just remind myself when I wake to smile. Fake it ’til I make it.

Who knows? Life has some amazing potential. Great things are headed my way, and I’m finally ready to pull my head out of my ass and make those things reality.

Stay tuned.

What i'm listening to:

Breakout
Swing Out Sister
It's Better to Travel

Tonight I let the darkness consume me.

It felt so good.

Sometimes, we need to give in to the darkness. We need to allow the primal urges to thrive. We need an outlet.

In spite of what society tries to tell us, we need the dark side. We need anger. We need passion. Sometimes, we even need an emotional breakdown.

Lately, I find myself thinking about love a bit. While I’m on my “Development Detour,” I’m pledged not to fall in love.

But, of course, if you find you’re telling yourself not to fall in love... it may just be too late.

She’s everything you dream about. But don’t fall in love.

For the past week, I’ve been road tripping. I love road trips! I tend to find remarkable clarity and focus with a bit of windshield therapy. I love revisiting places, and discovering new ones. I love getting out, meeting locals, perhaps even seducing one (or two).

Yet, so far this trip has been... um... unfulfilling.

I’m not finding clarity. I find my thoughts drift back to her.

Your eyes could steal the sailor from the sea.

What is it about her? I’m really not ready for anything like this. I’m still in the wilderness. I’m still finding my way. I’m still figuring things out.

Am I?

Perhaps not. I’m being lazy.

I continuously return to these thoughts: no one else has to work hard. Why should I have to work hard?

This, my friends, is the struggle. In order to ascend... in order to find enlightenment... in order to become a top performer... to crack the top 5%... I have to work on myself.

Every. Single. Day.

I love you, you’re so religious. I get a thrill when the curtain calls. I feel like a Roman candle. Do your stuff while the empire falls.

I want this girl. I’ve reached a point in my life where I can have her. I deserve beautiful women in my life. I accept that.

You burn and burn to get under my skin. You’ve gone too far, now I won’t give in.

It’s time. No more bullshit. It’s time to escape this hell within my head. It’s time to escape this bitch who’s in my bed. It’s time to fascinate. It’s time to shine.

It’s time for this late night rambling to end. It’s time to get back behind that windshield, find that clarity, and act.

I see a vision of how it could be, yeah. Be my fantasy.

What i'm listening to:

Fantasy Girl
.38 Special
Wild Eyed Southern Boys