Today, I discovered something I need to work on. Something that definitely salts my inner game, and something that taints my happiness.

I am still a spoiled, petulant child.

Let’s revisit the definition:

pet·u·lant adj 1.) peevish, annoyed by trifles, easily irritated and upset. 2.) moved to or showing sudden, impatient irritation, especially over some trifling annoyance.

Yes. This ties in with my previous post about finding that balance between shadow and ego. Ego’s control over the shadow is (at least) partially responsible for my outbursts.

I need to become unwavering. Unaffected. Unemotional. I don’t need to always get my way. And when I don’t, I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. When possible, I need to learn to accept when something is not a good fit, and walk away.

I don’t need validation. I need to be present, accepting, and walk away... without sharing with friends, co-workers, etc.

I have learned I have a certain... power. Or maybe it’s charisma. Anyway, my peers seem to look at me as a leader. I’m intelligent. I’m perceptive. I’m forward-thinking—especially when others around me do not seem to see the big picture.

However, being a forward-thinker is far above my pay grade. My world doesn’t need another Norma Rae.

I need to learn from Clarissa. Just chill. Let go. Do me. I need to follow Nathan’s example... be unhappy, but just roll with it. No unpleasant moment lasts forever. Use that charisma for good. Channel that energy into good things. Make people happy instead of fired up.

Owning this flaw is the first step. I don’t need to get my way. I need to let order descend into chaos...

While I am de-emphasizing my annual reading goals, I still find value in posting the annual list... so here is the list from 2018.

Many of the books from the last couple of years are on my re-read list for this year... to assist with finding my inner strength.

Without further ado—the list:

1. Gerald’s Game - Stephen King
2. The War of Art - Steven Pressfield
3. Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn
4. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service - Ian Fleming
5. Start with Why - Simon Sinek
6. Comstock Lode - Louis L’Amour
7. The Alabaster Girl - Zan Perrion
8. e² - Matt Beaumont
9. Lamb - Christopher Moore
10. Cyborg - Martin Caidin
11. On Writing - Stephen King
12. Homer Price - Robert McCloskey
13. The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran
14. Around the World in 80 Days - Jules Verne
15. Island - Aldous Huxley
16. Job: A Comedy of Justice - Robert A. Heinlein
17. Being in Love - Osho
18. The Cherokee Trail - Louis L’Amour
19. Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse
20. The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida
21. The Tommyknockers - Stephen King
22. Post Office - Charles Bukowski
23. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Robert Louis Stevenson
24. The Man with the Golden Gun - Ian Fleming
25. Orphans of the Sky - Robert A. Heinlein
26. The Haunted Mesa - Louis L’Amour
27. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz - L. Frank Baum
28. The Forty-Minute War - Janet and Chris Morris
29. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey
30. The Prince - Niccolò Machiavelli
31. Alexander Hamilton - Ron Chernow
32. Cell - Stephen King
33. When - Daniel H. Pink
34. Methuselah’s Children - Robert A. Heinlein

What i'm listening to:

Mirage
Toro y Moi
Boo Boo

Here we are, nearly one month into a new year. New year, new me, right?

I’ve managed to survive yet another round of the annual, mid-January plague that historically derails any New Year Resolutions I set forth... meaning it’s time to actually hunch down and set some meaningful goals for the short-term future.

If the past couple of years have taught me anything, it’s that change is possible. It’s not simple. It’s not easy. But it is possible.

Diving into reading has changed me. I watch very little television. Movies rarely interest me anymore. If I find myself with some spare time, I’m most likely to curl up with a book.

Dropping twenty pounds in an extreme keto diet has changed me. My diet coach was correct: your taste buds change when you detox from all the carbs and sugars in your body. Yet, not quite in ways I was expecting.

That first Apple Grande I enjoyed on my first day resuming “normal” eating... was THE BEST FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE. And the Grape-Nut pie. And the New Year’s fritters.

In spite of that, I am back in control of eating and weight. My weight is maintaining at 158. I still feel great—albeit not as amazing as I did when I was in ketosis. And my portion sizes are greatly reduced.

One more round, after visiting my mother (and hopefully enjoying a pan of her amazing cinnamon rolls), and I’ll look as wonderful as I feel and I’ll achieve that target.

So, after a couple of years with a couple of significant changes, I’ve been contemplating what I’d like to tackle this year. It’s a given I’ll continue reading. It’s a given I’ll continue on my health journey.

What to integrate this year?

Last week, I picked up a book I had set aside eighteen months ago, and I have found the answer within.

This year, I want to embrace my shadow and conquer my ego. Being trapped within my own mind has held me back for far too long, and while I am happier than I have been in years, I’m more social, and I have so many beautiful ladies in my life, I still need to overcome my beliefs on “what is right” (it isn’t) and actually find my joy.

It meant a lot to me when Allie told me last week that she perceives me as a joyful person. She sees the rage within too, but she supports me in my struggle for balance. She’s a fantastic accountability buddy, and our friendship has grown one-thousand-fold since we met. I’m excited to have her along on this journey!

Seriously, the quality of people I have in my life since tightening my standards is nothing short of incredible. These guys and gals genuinely care about me.

The only thing missing—is me.

I’ve written about this leap hundreds of times in this space alone, yet I have yet to truly let go.

It is time to let go of everything I “know,” so I can become what I truly need to be. It is time to balance the dark with the light. It is time to live.

To that end, everything I do this year must move me towards this goal. Everything else is expendable.

What i'm listening to:

Girl Like You
Toro y Moi
Boo Boo

Clearly, I need to use this space and write out my thoughts more often. So much has happened, and there’s still so much more to process.

The mouth-breather menace has returned, and with it I have found myself missing the gym, sleeping more, and hiding out in the house—being non-social. I can scarcely recall a January passing by without this unwelcome visitor. Hopefully, she won’t stay long.

In addition to sorting thoughts and writing, I need to revisit pen-and-paper and sort out my current project, which has stalled. Getting it completed is essential, as some of my spending and re-investing in myself is on hold in the interim. At least I’ve started keeping a list... no sense in losing brilliant ideas to the ether of amnesia.

I continue to add amazing and beautiful ladies into my life. Even though it seems hopeless/pointless at times, I am getting better at this. I am excited to see where it goes.

Especially with this new girl...

Seriously, sometimes a girl is a true dime: so beautiful inside and out—yet something is missing. In some cases it’s magnetism. In others, it’s passion. Rarely, but it happens, she’s just too damned innocent.

Then there’s the beauty that comes over and you snort a line of coke off her ass. Now, she’s fun.

Yet, sometimes there’s the girl who clicks with you. You hit it off instantly, and you just get each other. It’s like you’ve known her for 1,000 years. This girl, she’s like that.

Admittedly, I am that guy who falls in love with every girl I cross paths with—whether it’s for five minutes or fifty years. Why would I ever deny this?

Sometimes, she cannot help but fall in love.

Rather than looking at this year as another rebuilding year, I’m reframing that attitude. After all, aren’t they all rebuilding years?

Accepting that each day, girl, project, etc. I am starting from zero. Every day is a struggle challenge. Every girl is the opportunity to create something special. Every project is another step closer to dreams realized.

Live for the present, and the future will look after itself.

Wise words. Everything happens now.

What i'm listening to:

Back in Black
AC/DC
Back in Black

At brunch yesterday, one of my favorite girls, Gabrielle, told me I’m an enigma.

That struck me as profound. Perhaps she’s right.

enig·​ma n 1.) something hard to understand or explain. 2.) a mysterious person.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Most days I’m even an enigma to myself.

Yet, isn’t mysterious synonymous with interesting? It’s likely I haven’t given myself enough credit. I am interesting.

Even if that is an affirmation... affirmations are a catalyst to change. Change for the better.

What i'm listening to:

This Old Heart of Mine (Is...
The Isley Brothers
This Old Heart of Mine