Who doesn't have them, seriously?

I'd love to say I don't, but no matter how good (or bad) things are going, the doubts keep creeping into my mind. The dreaded "What if?"

I've evolved into a person who no longer believes in that victim mentality which has infiltrated our society so deeply. Every day, when I read the news, there are people who've had this happen to them, or that happen to them. I'll even venture to say this behavior has gotten worse recently as the bailout mindset sinks in to society's psyche.

But, I'm not writing to criticize victims, or even perceived victims.

I'm writing about myself... the shameless narcissist. After all, there is never any sense in fretting about things outside of the realm of my control.

What's got me worried are the things that should be within my control, but for whatever reason I'm unwilling to do what is necessary to do them. I've been told I have too many things on my plate, so if I'd just focus on one thing at a time and see it through to the end, I'd eventually get everything taken care of.

They're right. They're right. I know they're right... but my desire and motivation are lacking. It is far too easy to lay on the sofa and watch reruns of Charlie's Angels all day than it is to actually do anything... no matter how minor that "thing" might be.

The driven college student of last spring seems like a distant memory.

I've not found a gym comparable to what the university offered, so I'm not motivated to work out... and lying on the sofa watching television equals snacking for me, just like it does for most of overweight America.

However, I've been seeing a couple of petite young ladies... one of whom has invited me to work out with her so we can keep each other motivated, but since she's still at the university, I'm not sure how that will work. They offer guest passes, but they are a bit cost-prohibitive!

Interestingly, one of the items on my perpetual to-do list is to write the president of the university and propose a plan allowing alumni to pay to use the gym at a cost that is competitive with area health clubs, which will provide much needed income in this economy, complete with a check-in/check-out system so they are able to track the student to alumni ratio and ensure that the students still come first, yet offer up the facility to the alumni. Of course, I think it is brilliant... but it's not a high priority.

Then there's a letter to a certain actress that still hasn't been written. I've learned a lot about women since the before time, so I know that my silence can only be interpreted in very bad ways.

My relationships with members of the fairer sex continue to blossom, but I still find myself falling into old habits and sabotaging said relationships before they get too far. Seriously, if a beautiful, fun-sized young lady is throwing herself into your arms and kissing you, and you don't scoop her up and take her home... something is definitely wrong. Identify it, own it, and handle it. Do not let her get away because you're a fucking moron! Again, what kind of signal does that send to her?

Then there's the 20-page project I alluded to last time. Turn off the phone and the television, stay home, drink plenty of water and energy drinks and GET IT DONE!

Yet, I find myself sitting at home, alone, and not doing anything... but sleeping too much, eating too much and watching too much television. All things I have complete control over, yet I'm letting those things "live" me right now. I need to stop. I need to take control. I need to read my own blog and decide that I live life... NOT the other way around.

Good talk. Now make it happen.

What i'm listening to:

The World We Live In
The Killers
Day & Age

I have been avoiding writing. The reasons for this are multi-faceted, but below the surface there are mere excuses. It's amusing that I'm making excuses for not writing, because I've discovered how to NOT make excuses for other areas in my life.

So, here we go. I'll begin again by writing about my excuses for not writing... get them out there so they can go away.

I have one lingering project that keeps me from receiving my diploma. Only one. However, it is a 20-page paper... one that must be interesting, unique, and not merely a regurgitation of someone else's research. No manipulations of other people's interpretations, but my own interpretations of primary source material.

I don't really care what other people think anymore, but I find that I still judge myself pretty harshly. In my own self-judging, I was afraid of being hypocritical. If I'm not writing my capstone paper, what business do I have blogging? Or column writing?

While I still consider that a valid argument, it doesn't provide incentive to get it done... only gives more power to my fear of writing. So, today I'm deciding to write through it. Whatever it takes. I used to enjoy writing... even if I'm not very good at it. Besides, I have a friend who leads a local writing workshop and she continuously reminds me that it is through writing where it gets better.

I keep hearing it from my instructor as well. In fact, she lectured me yesterday about letting go of my fear of being imperfect and reminded me that rough drafts are rarely perfect... and usually pretty terrible. Edit, edit, edit.

One perfect draft... even one acceptable draft, is unlikely.

Then there is the blank page. Looking at a blank page on a computer is pretty scary. That desire to write the perfect words is so strong, yet again, so unlikely. I need to just write. Even if what I'm writing largely sucks, much like this blog entry.

Somewhere along the line, I've lost the value of practice and experimentation. I need to embrace that and apply it to writing. After all, when I think about those things that I'm really, really good at... it didn't freakishly happen the first time out.

Anyway, I'm brimming with ideas I think would be fun to write about... My capstone is about gender and racial portrayals in the early days of advertising; I have a column idea explaining why I cannot break up with Facebook; and I sooo much has happened in my life since that zOMG moment I still need to share. It's time to get it out there!

What i'm listening to:

Off the Wall
Michael Jackson
Off the Wall