Ok, so there's this one word that keeps popping up in my research. Identity.

As in: Create your own...

Identity is something I've never given much thought to. I suppose that's part of what's been wrong all along. After all, if you create an identity, you'll work towards maintaining it.

So, what is mine? Underachiever? Perhaps, but that's terrible. How non-alpha! I don't even think that qualifies as beta...

Another idea that has resurfaced is what I've done to create my identity. You know, I'm still young... and there is plenty I could be doing. Why don't I? Am I already a slave to my lifestyle? Do I have to keep this crappy job to maintain it?

More importantly, is there a way out?

At this point, it isn't about the job... it's about fixing me. One advancement I have made over the past couple of years is goal setting. I've set goals, but for one reason or another they haven't been met.

Sure, part of that is laziness and apathy... which I can, at least partially, blame on my crappy job, but I need to find that determination. Perhaps I need to modify my goals to matter MORE to me. Or maybe I just need to break down the steps into smaller steps that I can fit in around my work/school schedule.

I think the biggest part of my problem is that I was raised to always play it safe. I not only don't take risks, I've not even considered anything risky for so long that they no longer present themselves to me. Ok, I'm not saying that risks don't appear to me, but I've trained myself not to see them.

That's why I keep doing what I've always done. That's why I keep getting what I've always gotten.

That's why I need to make a change. I need to learn to embrace fear. I need to stop writing about it and actually DO something about it.

Breaking from my current lifestyle could be liberating. Breaking out of my shyness will definitely be liberating.

So, now the question is this: How do I break free from my lifestyle? Should I have a plan? Maybe I should only plan a couple of contingencies. Maybe everything should be spontaneous.

No, I think operating without a game plan is stupid. I need to make a plan, plot out potential outcomes, and get prepared for whatever can happen. I need to remember that the worst possible outcome probably won't happen, and not allow myself to get bogged down in analyzing details.

Like I always do.

So, what do I want to do? I want to take two weeks and fly to Europe... travel from Budapest to Salsburg and back, and make an adventure of it.

It would be a grand adventure... and more importantly, it will teach me those necessary life skills I should have had all along... I need to learn how to depend on myself, how to be more alpha.

So, this seems like a big step... I have a job and school, both of which take up extraordinary amounts of my time. I'm not exactly liquid at the moment, so I'd have to figure out how to afford it. However, that's the key. Nothing is impossible. It may seem daunting, but I just need to reframe it so that it is achievable. I need to figure out what I need to do to make it happen... to take back control of my own life. How can I not find myself along the way?

Carpe diem!

What i'm listening to:

Seventeen
Winger
Winger