I really miss my tasty li’l snack.

I haven’t had a drink in over three days. Sadness is weird.

This girl was different. We started spending quite a bit of time together in January. At the time, I thought things were going well, and I was really enjoying getting to know her. I think she was really enjoying getting to know me. We were even making plans for the future: road trips to Colorado, seeing Mexico, drinking Mexican tequila (she knows the path to my heart!). I was going to teach her to drive a stick shift. She was going to teach me to speak Spanish.

Maybe she was. This is why I’m so confused.

I suspect that I subconsciously sabotaged the relationship, but without asking her I’ll never know...

One of my best/longest friends never fails to call me out on my greatest flaw—I never pull the trigger.

And I rarely use the word “never” anymore, so it’s disconcerting that I find it appropriate twice in the same sentence.

So, I’m putting this out there... putting myself on notice, if you will. As part of acknowledging what my shadow knows that apparently I do not.

I have learned a lot about women in the last several years, yet there are times when I cannot get over myself to... erm... pull the trigger.

• I should know, by now, that if a girl invites me over to her place at one in the morning to drink, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if a girl comes over at two in the morning to hang out, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if the same girl comes over again and puts on a terrible horror movie with plenty of nudity, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if the same girl ends up on my lap on these evenings, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if the same girl goes on an overnight adventure to the casino and IHOP and spends a lot of time talking about relationships and star-signs, she wants to hook up.
• I should know, by now, that if I LIKE THE SAME GIRL, that “playing it safe” is the WORST POSSIBLE thing I can do, and I should escalate, make a move, at least kiss the girl—and see if she wants to hook up.

This. This is why I’m a jackass. This is why she has been distant for several weeks now. Or is it? I suspect it is, but now I may never know for sure.

I’m sad and confused, because I really, really like this girl, yet I was afraid of screwing it up. And that fear of screwing it up—screwed it up.

Damn it, I was supposed to be avoiding missed opportunities, instead I’m missing even bigger ones.

What will it take to wake up my dumb ass? Now, I’ve lost her—most likely, forever—and I must not make these same mistakes again with whoever comes along next.

I really am a jackass. Plus, I may just have the market cornered on mixed signals.

What i'm listening to:

break up with your girlfriend...
Ariana Grande
thank u, next