Saturday, April 16, 2022, 8:03 am

Our moment

She turned to me. Her big, brown eyes gazing into mine. She leaned in close, and said, “I will give you a baby.”

Time stood still. I held the eye contact. My hand on her leg, hers on mine. She is so beautiful. And she means it.

There is so much love between us. Overflowing. Spilling out into the room.

It is difficult not to act on the first impulse. Or the second. After all, we are in a restaurant. And I have never been so hard.

Yet, how incredibly sexy will that be? Taking her, right there on the table.

No, this is our moment. We don’t need an audience.

“Check, please!”

Wednesday, April 13, 2022, 12:44 pm

Weathering the storm

“I don’t want to see you again. Seeing you will only remind me that I have failed myself. Yet again.”

I wrote these words down an hour ago. I haven’t sent them anywhere. Why would I?

I lost my alabaster girl Monday night, during an amazing, liberating, and honest five hour conversation. I am sad. I am mourning. I am angry—although I feel I can’t be.

It’s the tale as old as time. As we got to know each other, it was lost. She no longer felt I was going to bend her over and fuck her.

She met someone. And he gave her that feeling.

Now, I feel immortal. My mistakes do too.

So, what’s next? I know the mourning process is normal—I really liked her.

I know I am in a better place than I was even a few months ago. I can start with that “I am going to fuck you energy.” But I can’t maintain it.

My emotions are raging like a tempest. I am not grounded. I feel like a charlatan. This is the worst feeling in the world: Losing her to someone who showed up. And I came through Monday night and Tuesday morning DRIVEN! God damn it, this will never happen to me again!

So, how can I go ahead and allow myself to grieve her loss, without losing myself to defeat? How do I hold on to this “I am going to fuck you energy,” even if it doesn’t happen the first night? As the quality of the women I meet improves, staying the same is no longer an option. I identify what’s wrong, I just don’t know how to hold onto it during the interactions.

Monday, April 11, 2022, 10:03 pm

Point of failure

You can’t understand how desperately I want one thing. Just one. And it’s not you, although (I do) I will devour you, given the chance.

No, what I want. Is to be that guy. The one she fantasizes about. The instant we meet.

Wait, that’s not it either. I know this.

I want to be the guy she wants to fuck. Girls know. Immediately.

Never? No, I don’t believe you. Maybe, I had it. For a minute.

However, I lost sight of it. That really is the only goal. Hell, maybe I was never the guy she’d fuck. I blew it? Yes. I should have said, “Do you wanna get out of here?”

The next guy did. I don’t want to be him. I only want to act as he did. Should I ever, ever, ever meet another like you, I do not want to lose another her to another him. Ever. Ever. Again.

Now, while I am raw, I’ve got it. Raw sexual energy. Now it’s time to harness it. Channel it. Use it.

Women get wet when I enter the room.

Women want to fuck me.

A girl like her will never look at a guy like me the same again. I WILL fuck the world. I WILL fuck you. I WILL bend you over into Downward Facing Dog and I WILL enter you from behind.

I owe it to myself to handle it. Here. Now. Anything less is wishes in my pocket.

Monday, April 11, 2022, 5:22 am

I remember now

It was a small memory. Of a choice. A conscious one.

Even though I eat healthy and limit the garbage, I still become sluggish after. Eating makes me tired.

And then, I observed that sleep frequently resulted in a deep fog. Lost clarity. And it takes time to reclaim the focus and return to a flow state.

So, I just stopped. Eating. Which worked. Next I was sleeping... less.

Seven hours a night dropped to ninety minutes.

And I’m fine. And clear. At first.

What would you do with an extra five hours a day? Especially if it occurs when all of your girls are asleep.

A lot of writing. Some of it beautiful. And some planning. And money making. Maybe I can do more of the latter.

Until the book is finished, at least.

Yet, one realization came too late. After my body began striving for a correction.

It is better to be consumed by darkness... than by love.

The nights became so long, because I was longing for restored connections. Obsession started creeping in. And other sinister energies.

Offsetting the flow state.

Now I know, however. The experiment will continue, focusing on my tesão over infatuation. And focusing on drive over wishing.

And listening to my body. It knows everything I do not.

Right now, it requires balance. So, full nights of sleep have returned. And my appetite. Yet, when normalcy arrives... I’ll do it again.

Now that I know—that I’m aware I did it—I won’t have the urge to tell others, and raise their concerns (and stroke my ego and neediness).

I am excited for the next round. When I’m ready. It’s sooner than I think.

Sunday, April 10, 2022, 7:03 am

Such nonsense

As we’re drifting back towards “strangers,” I find I miss getting to know you. I miss making friends. I miss the connection.

I understand, my love. You want me to live in your phone. I’m safer in there. You think, that way you can’t fall in love. Even though you are. Falling.

I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to live in your phone. I cannot feel you from there.

So, strangers it is. I am preparing for a life without you. Hoping you’ll realize what nonsense it is to push away what your body wants. Embracing for the sadness, that will eventually be eclipsed by the next beautiful stranger.

For there is always another.

But, for a time, you were my favorite.

Saturday, April 9, 2022, 6:49 am

Not. Goodbye.

Already got a guilty conscience. Might as well have the money, too. Good day, now.

And the pussy.

Sweet, Jesus. That was pointless. We could have stayed strangers. Seriously.

Then again, maybe we are.

Hmmm…

Somewhere along the line I got consumed. And I will again.

Today, however, clarity returns.

The matrix I’ve been observing all week still remains. It’s a very strange time in my life. Yet I feel I’m getting to know myself. Confronting my fears. The lies. My false pride.

And it’s taken a lot to be vulnerable. And she didn’t ask for that.

In fact, playing back the dailies… she probably doesn’t know what to think.

So, this post shall serve as notes to myself. To continue this growth. To regain my balance.

  • I need to stop mistaking attraction for caring. Or affection for caring. Or connection for caring. LET it take time. I’ll ramble all day about the butterfly… leaving a trail of dead ones on the ground behind me.
  • It’s time to learn to use my anger constructively, as a tool. And speak it. Truth. My truth. If it’s not tesão… a HELL, YES!, then say no. “No, I’m not going to do that.” And move on. Or, “My body says, ‘No.’” She will understand this.
  • Lean into what my body is telling me. There will be strong desire when she is around… flow with it. However, when she’s NOT around, and I’m craving that desire, there is no sense in forcing it to get that feeling back.
  • For the love of Christ, banish expectations! I am aware of how magical the interactions are when I’m in flow state… especially when I can avoid deep thoughts AND feelings. When expectation creeps back in, with it’s sinister energy, she can feel it. I can feel it. It’s stupid. Why am I so obsessed with her? I used to cherish my solitude—and it bolstered my magnetism. Have I been so poisoned?
  • My body already knows what my head is trying to figure out. God damn it! Get the fuck out of my own mind! Feel with my heart, my belly, underbelly, cock. The penis never lies.
  • Again, stop thinking about her when she isn’t around. Or at least obsessing!
  • Finally, for fuck’s sake, STOP being so needy with the social media! She has demonstrated time and again she is thinking about her. STOP trying to extinguish that!

Ugh. And I was prepared to end it today. She hasn’t been a HELL, YES! in some time. Taking a couple of steps back in preparation for her dropping out of my life has shown me that it’s not her, it’s me. Sounds trite, but I see it.

God damn it. It’s not about controlling the emotions. The desires. For Christ’s sake, DO NOT try to control the desires! That’s where this all started. I need to lean into desires—channel them without controlling them. And the anger.

You know? I finally see the value in the heavy metal music. And the workouts.

It’s true. I need to forget all I have “learned.” All I really need to know is how to:

  1. Cook.
  2. Eat pussy.

I already know the way to a girl’s heart. And it’s incredibly apparent when it’s the forbidden fruit.

Lean into it, and soon I’ll be able to show her.

Sometimes you're wrong and then sometimes you're right / You're in the dark so I'll turn on the light

I was wrong. It’s not goodbye. It’s… à bientôt.

What a relief! I was smothering her. And her. And everyone else. And myself. And life!

What i'm listening to:
Mortal Kombat Goodbye [Demo]
Gravity Kills
Mortal Kombat

Friday, April 8, 2022, 11:09 am

End of the dream

“Oh, God! I fell asleep. How long was I out?” she asked.

“About five hours. You needed it,” was his reply.

“Oh no! What about you and… ?”

“It’s okay, she knows. We’ve been messaging. She’s waiting in the car…”

“She’s been out there the whole time?”

“What can I say? I guess she loves me!

“…

“Hey, kiddo? I have to tell you. I really like this girl. And she likes me. I never thought anyone would go on an adventure with me. Let alone… her.

“She’s incredible! Beautiful!

“And she’ll do anything for me.

“I don’t know… I don’t know if I like it. I’ve never had anyone love me like she does before. I don’t know what to do!”

Silence.

“Are you awake? I have something to tell you.”

Tears are forming, he goes over to the couch, puts his hand on his niece’s shoulder, and shakes lightly, attempting to wake her.

“Wake up.

“Wake up!” Crying now, “I have to tell you! I have to tell… someone!”

His niece continues to sleep. Exhausted from the all-night going-away party. He collapses in tears, no longer able to control his emotions and love for the woman in the car.

FADE OUT

Thursday, April 7, 2022, 11:55 am

Ignited!

Something is going on with me. Before the Master Class call today, I couldn’t identify it. Or really describe it. Everyone around me is worried. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Yet, I’m not “depressed.” My gut feels… something. And, maybe for the first time ever, I trust it. Because my mind isn’t racing to figure it out.

Finally.

There is an immensely strong attraction between the girl I met in December and me. And she senses when my mind kicks in. When I feel possessive. When I slip out of relating with her and into those sinister and familiar habits.

And she’ll message me almost the instant I ground and become aware of what I am feeling and where.

Desire is awakening. And with it passion. Suddenly, I know what to say and how it’ll land. Not just with her, but with all of them. I’ve even shot some notes to long dead leads… heartfelt and from the gut. With good response. Which is good, because now I know what and how to practice speaking my truth. My mind is seriously blown! It’s been simmering inside me for about a month now, but now that I know WHAT IT IS, I can finally feel a force inside of me. And it is good. I understand the "This is a good woman" feeling. The tesão!

Add to that the added practices for using my anger as a tool and respecting my honor over my pride… I am excited for the next several months. And banishing all but the HELL YES’s from my life. Thank you, Hans!

Thursday, April 7, 2022, 8:41 am

Right here, right now

“What do you want from her?”

When I saw this question I stopped. Full stop. And stared at it for several minutes.

So simple. It lies at the root of every interaction. With this question in mind, you cannot possibly fuck it up.

Profound.

Yet, looking back, I am aware of just how often this question gets lost. In the feelings. In the noise. In life. When we retreat into our heads. When we start thinking, “God, I don’t want to fuck this up.”

Our saboteurs are funny that way.

That grand question of “What do I want?” is far too complicated. How can we not crawl into the safety of our thoughts?

“What do I want from her?”

This beauty. Right in front of me. Right now. We know. And this. This is desire.

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