“You don’t want to be my friend?” she cried.

“Babe, we’ve never been friends,” I replied. I could feel my own tears welling up inside.

How did we get here?

Oh, I can identify some missteps along the way. None of them matter, because here we are. She doesn’t have to buy what I’m selling. And I don’t have to settle for less than I desire.

“Don’t look at it as the end of the book,” the social media warriors chant. “Look at it as an exciting new chapter!”

Fuck that, frankly. I don’t want to keep reading this book. It fucking sucks.

Not to spoil Mockingjay, but there was a point, midway, where I threw the book against the wall and didn’t look at it again for a month. Anyone who’s read it knows why.

That’s how this feels.

I can’t believe I walked away from the most important person in my life. Yet, she can’t give me the love I crave from her.

“Right person. Wrong time.”

That old chestnut is all over the social media as well. Hell, we even mentioned it last night.

Fuck. I know she loves me. I know she needs to focus on herself. I know she’d like me by her side while she does it.

Yet, I can’t. Not anymore. What a waste of time. Resources. To be downgraded to “friends.”

I chose myself. I’m not a social being. I don’t need a friend that I will always be in love with. How fucking heartbreaking is that?

Now, we’ll find out if I can find, within myself, a reason to live beyond her.

Are we the soulmates we claim to be? Will we find each other again? I suppose we will see, but I’m no longer counting on it.

Damn, I just don’t want to be here anymore. Hearing her cry last night, knowing there’s nothing more to do at this moment in time. She didn’t see this coming.

Her sobs caught the attention of her mother, so she left the call before we were finished. Maybe nothing else needs to be said. Maybe...

Afterward, insomnia paid me a visit. I knew this would tear me up. Maybe that’s why I entertained the notion of “friends.” Maybe that’s why we both let this drag on for so long. Better to keep each other close. Because we do love each other.

One of us just isn’t “in love” any longer. Which sucks.

She can’t have me if she doesn’t want me.

And I’m not being honest with myself if I accept friendship. Not when I yearn for the excitement we had last summer.

I wasn’t looking for you to reenter my life. Now, I don’t know what I’ll do as you exit it. I am grateful to share bits of our lives with each other. You know me better than anyone else.

Including that I am weak where you’re concerned. Which is why we can’t do this. Not without going for it.

Fuck the next chapter. I don’t want to read anymore. I just want to taste you again.

What i'm listening to:

No More “I Love You’s”
Annie Lennox
Medusa