dilletantism, romanticism, charlatanism
So, as i was leaving the Union after posting my last blog entry i made an observation.
Does anyone else see the need for a cordless vacuum cleaner?
Ok, ok... i suppose it's been done before, with the DustBuster, and the new Roomba. However, i have yet to see an actual cordless upright vacuum cleaner.
Brilliant, isn't it? =^)
Do you know what it's like when it's wrong, but it feels so right?
Well, of course YOU do. What about the rest of you?
So, i suppose i've been asking myself a lot of questions about where to set boundaries. Each day i feel a bit more stable, and as that happens some of the boundaries i had crossed since the exodus from the 'before time' will need to be put back into place.
Some, on the other hand, will not. After all, so many of the changes in my life have been wonderful. I can only look forward to having someone to share everything with someday in the not-too-distant future.
We'll see.
I've also been re-evaluating the nature of my association with both D and T2. D is a sweet, caring, funny and beautiful girl... and she's a lot of fun to be around, but i just can't help thinking that if she were truly interested in starting something she wouldn't be so resistant to the idea. Her answer is always either "someday" or "maybe."
Someday, is always acceptable. Hey, i maybe light years above where i was months ago, but i'm still damaged goods. I still cannot completely comprehend how C could do what she did... more on that later. D has told me that she's been through a painful breakup not too long ago as well, so i can see where "someday" comes from.
It's the "maybe" that scares me. Maybe almost suggests that i'm wasting my time and i should move on.
However, she genuinely seems to enjoy my company. I'm just not sure how good of a judge of "genuine" i am at this stage in my recovery.
Then there's T2. She's kind of a mess... but there is a lot of attraction that goes on between us. I absolutely love watching her face... she has so many facial expressions, i could stare at her all night long. However, she's got some problems that make mine look like a mosquito bite or a stubbed toe. If i hook up with her, i accept them and either try to help her through them or get bogged down by them. Of course, ultimately, she has to decide to fix the problems... and i have to decide if i want to go down that road knowing it will slow my personal growth down.
And she seems to be resisting too... always promising to call, but never calling. Well, she called once. But just once cannot be a good sign.
Maybe she's either not interested, or ... who knows?
Anyway, i think it is time to scale those pursuits back and see about creating new ones. Maybe i need a fling or two to accomplish the "mission" and clear my head. =^)
It is still exciting to think of the potential that i have... and that i may not yet have met "Ms. Right." There is so much positive out there, that my emo/negative days seem increasingly more unnatural.
There is so much to look forward to. So what if she couldn't see that?
The day after tomorrow... the new beginning realized.
Key
Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
It is critical that you engage in a night of torrid passion, preferably sooner than later.
No room or setting is safe: the bed, the couch, the kitchen counter, the bathroom floor, the car, the dance floor at the club... any and all will be acceptable.
You are ready for this. Now go out and find that lucky girl and give her a night she'll never forget! =^)
This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
Unsuccessfully Coping With...
If someone had told me five years ago that the day would come when i would wish the phone would ring, i would have told her she's crazy.
But here i am. I suppose that was one thing i enjoyed about being in a relationship. There was always someone to call... always someone who would call.
I'd never have guessed i would have become dependent on such an obscure thing. It's almost like a drug.
Days go by when i wonder why i pay to have a phone. It wasn't long ago when i'd just glare at the phone and want to throw it against the wall... just to hear it make some sort of satisfying noise.
But i don't. I suppose it is the hopeless romantic in me that makes me continue to carry it. A few of my recent female acquaintances have my number, but rarely opt to use it.
*sigh*
Oddly, it really doesn't get me down as much as this post appears to be conveying. It's more of an observation than anything. Don't get me wrong, i'm still dealing with loneliness... and i don't even seem to be able to coordinate with the friends i was hanging out with for a while there.
I suppose it is time to find something new to do. However, i'm still keeping pretty busy and i still have a not-so-newly moved into house to get in order... do i have time to create new social situations?
I have been searching frantically for my day planner which appears to have been mis-packed during my move. I desperately need to start writing down my daily plans! It's easy enough to know i need to go to work at 8, class at 5:30 and workout at 7... but it's the other stuff. I need to set aside time to study, time for leisure, time to clean.
It makes sense if i allocate a set time to only work on the house... eventually it will be in order. If i allocate a set time to study every night, i should have an easier time keeping up with my school work... maybe regular visits to the library are again in order.
I suppose that is the bad thing about taking on so many new things at one time... right now i feel like i don't have time to keep up. Although when i look at the individual components of my work, school, social and extra-curricular schedules... i should be able to make this work.
I just need to plan better... and have the faith that everything will work out. Because it will. =^)
My Girlfriend's Girlfriend
Well, the fatigue is setting in again. Perhaps i am again working out too much, or not sleeping well, or not eating right.
I would like to know who left the Thin Mints on the counter and where they found them this time of year? They are my "only" weakness.
Actually, i cannot blame them for my sleepiness, because i was tired when i woke up this morning. For some odd reason, this morning i turned on the television, and watched a morning news program for a little bit. Next thing i know, i'm running late again.
Grr... i barely had enough time to feed the dogs, dump the Marie Antoinette soundtrack and last night's episode of The Office onto the iPod and get out the door.
Note to self, no more television in the a.m. No matter how early you rise!
I have to admit i really, really like the Marie Antoinette soundtrack! It's not the kind of music you would expect from a period piece... offering an eclectic mix of new wave, punk and classical music. It does however, fall just short of being the local reviewer's "musical wet dream" i was expecting. However, it was that remark that made me so adamant about getting it... and the album doesn't disappoint!
It is too bad i've read such horrid reviews of the movie, because i was looking forward to it. I'll probably still see it soon though, avid history buff that i am... so i can see what liberties with history Ms. Coppola took! =^)
I would like to see The Prestige, however... that might be worth the ticket price! Maybe i can fit it in this weekend... or next.
Who knows, maybe i'll be able to persuade someone to screen it with me...
Last night's workout was kind of bleah. I'm not sure how to explain it. I went through the entire workout without going to failure... but going almost to failure like i'm supposed to. But my heart wasn't in it last night. Maybe i didn't have the right music... or was too distracted... or i was thinking too much again.
There was an extremely hot young lady working out last night... perhaps that is why i don't remember much. But today i'm not too sore, which can be both good and bad. Usually i don't feel the good workouts 'til the second day... unless it's a shoulder workout.
Hopefully building up my shoulders will make them recover better. At least they aren't bony anymore.
I guess i feel like it wasn't much of a workout considering i'll have to wait 'til Sunday for the next one (stupid university holidays).
Anyway, the weekend is almost here... again i have plenty to do, as well as many doubts about how much will actually get done. At least it isn't work. That in itself is something to look forward to! =^)
Plainsong
Yesterday was a very profound day for me.
Everything i observed, everything i overheard, everything seemed to reinforce the realizations that i had yesterday. It is time to make some changes.
It is hard to believe that i have become so caught up in life since the "before" time, that i had forgotten some very big goals and dreams i had during that stage of my life.
It is time to focus again on those dreams... i deserve to be happy, but i will need to work for it. I must have faith that there will be joy in my suffering... the benefits of risking the venture into the unknown will be so much more satisfying, more fulfilling than continuing to wallow in my unhappiness.
As long as i stay where i'm at, the unhappiness will not cease. That much is certain.
I am being called to be so much more than i am right now... it is time to stop ignoring that, brushing it off as if it were an annoying fly. Faith is believing in that which we know is true, even when we cannot explain it.
Another realization i had yesterday is that tomorrow i will lose my plane ticket for that flight i cancelled last year while C and I were broken up. I suppose eating a $200 plane ticket is better (at least less painful) than one of the $400 tickets we'd occasionally purchase in our frequent flights to see each other.
Back when she had faith.
Anyway, in the mail yesterday, there was a piece of junk mail. It was cleverly disguised as something from United Airlines. It implied that i was going to lose my frequent flyer miles if i didn't act by mid-November on their offer.
It was an offer for magazines. They weren't even good magazines... or magazines i'd ever consider reading.
Not only that, i could have subscribed to every magazine on the list and still had miles left over.
Anyway, i was frustrated because i had to read the piece of mail over and over and over before i determined that i'm not going to lose my frequent flyer miles... only my chance to subscribe to one of their fine publications using my miles.
Bah, anyway!
Well, there is no better time than now to live my life. If i am not doing what i enjoy, then what is there to look forward to if i have to anticipate doing it everyday for the rest of my life?
No wonder i have had such a hard time remaining positive!
That changes now...
Piano Concerto № 21 in C major
So, it is becoming increasingly more apparent that a change in direction is inevitable.
And, as much as i tend to resist change, it is approaching sooner than i'd like.
I suppose this is a good time though. I've been looking for something to add drama to my life as an appetite suppressant, and it would appear i've achieved my goal. W00t?
Otherwise, i've been making some good progress on my history paper. This one won't be too bad to write, i don't think, and it gave me the chance to hang out at my favorite coffee shop last night for a few hours.
Amidst the glow of several white apples, i would have hoped i could keep warm, but that just didn't happen... but it was nice to be in the company of so many who know a decent computer! =^)
I am thankful for this new frustration... i think it will give me the push i've been needing over the past few weeks. Also, tonight's workout should have plenty of adrenaline for extra fuel... which will help as well!
Hopefully i'll be able to find time to get a workout in. Maybe i should call in sick tomorrow to insure i get my paper done on time. ;^)
Finally, i think my iPod is starting to lose it's battery... it seems to be fading awfully fast these days. =^(
Voices Carry
Things i've learned this early in this very young day:
I definitely need to pack my "fat" pants in a box or something. These jeans i've worn over the last couple of years are just waaaay too loose to wear in public... even with a belt! They bunch up and are very uncomfortable.
If i were confident i could stay at my current waistline, i'd just send 'em to Goodwill... they were, after all, a gift from C. However, with winter coming and my appetite persisting, i'd better not take the chance just yet.
But, they at least need to get packed in a box and moved to the basement... so when i'm running late in the a.m. (like most mornings), and my mind is in a fog (like most mornings), i don't grab them by mistake only to have them drop around my ankles when i'm getting into the car.
This morning was a bit later than i've been running lately. I ended up talking to T2 until two in the morning... seems she is no longer dating anyone. We'll see what happens there... i'm probably still a li'l too damaged to get my hopes up.
Yep, we'll see.
I can't believe i forgot to bring my iPod to work today. Grrr.
On a side note, this week (and last) there are some auditors visiting the office. One of them is absolutely adorable! Who would have thought? I suppose it is a good thing i'm not the one being audited! =^)
Anyway, this week should prove to be hectic. My paper in Colonial History is finally due this Wednesday, and then fall break begins. This is the first year in the last several i'm not booked on a flight to Billings, Montana.
I'll have to endeavor not to let that get me down. Of course, last year, i was booked on the flight and opted not to go because C and I were broken up at the time... it's hard to believe i can afford to eat an occasional plane ticket! That was a decision that i had really grown to regret... until April, that is.
My, it is astonishing how much can change in a year!
While i'm on the subject of change... yesterday's workout was a real ball-buster. I'm used to being sore the day after a workout... and usually not until the second day after a workout. The shoulder workout yesterday, however, had me sore almost before i left the gym. I suppose that is a good thing. My trainer said that if the workouts get easy, i'm not doing enough. It would be enough to stay healthy, but not enough to see the results i'm looking for.
Last night, i had someone i hadn't talked to since July compliment me on how i looked... and since she's very nice looking, it was pretty valuable!
Just a few more "fatty" areas to work on... but it's kind of weird that i'm no longer self-conscious about females touching/feeling/grabbing areas of my body. Ok, not weird... it's cool, because i know how tight i feel underneath their touch.
And that is what will keep the fat pants in their box. I will mark a date on the box, and when they have been in the box for a year, then they can go to Goodwill.
Sounds like a plan!
The Day You Come
For some reason i'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm not sure why, because i've already decided not to go out tomorrow night... even though it could (and probably would) lead to an amount of fun comparable to last Saturday night.
I think it is because i'm dedicating the bulk of the weekend to my house and some homework. And myself... i'm meeting with my trainer again on Sunday. W00t!
I still can't get over how good i look. I just wish i could get over this psychological craving to constantly put foods rich in flavor into my mouth. It is too bad i don't have any current drama in my life to sap my appetite again.
Ok, that wasn't a healthy statement. Actually, if i continue to count my calories and keep my workout schedule consistent, there is no reason i shouldn't be able to maintain my current weight... maybe even hit my target.
We'll see.
Tonight i think i'm going to re-evaluate what i've got loaded on my iPod. I guess i'm just getting tired of the music that has been on it since i purchased it last September. Yet some of the music is so good...
When i look at the iTunes library, i just get hit with information overload, and i have no way of knowing how to control two measly gigabytes of music for my nano to handle... and i see a song title and think it should stay.
Bleah!
I really wish iTunes would allow some level between library and playlist. Something so i could have two completely separate lists and playlists of music so if i can make my iPod match my mood. So i can completely change all the music on it, yet go back to the original set when i'm ready.
The only way i can completely start over now, i'll lose everything because i'll just have to wipe out the library. It's like eating at a Mongolian grill. There is a good chance you'll love what you eat, but short of taking exact notes, you'll probably never get the same thing twice.
So, i probably shouldn't spend any time in my iTunes library this weekend... it always ends up taking longer than i expect.
Maybe i'll see D tonight. That would be ok. Wish i could figure her out... at least she seems to be consistent around me. I ran into J again Wednesday night at the club, and she clearly didn't need the distraction of talking to me. Kinda reminded me why i was happier in a relationship... but i've managed to not let it get me down. Yeesh, fickle females!
Talked to a good friend last night... i just had to share the story of last weekend's adventure to someone who would appreciate it. We got to talking about women, and settling vs. going after the fairy tale.
Yep, i still want the fairy tale. I have to believe she's out there. In a way it is kind of exciting that i probably haven't met her yet. However, i would have to place D as a fairly strong candidate... she's been a life saver in the aftermath of the transition from the before time.
So, i suppose it is time for the weekend... yay! =^D
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