As we’re drifting back towards “strangers,” I find I miss getting to know you. I miss making friends. I miss the connection.

I understand, my love. You want me to live in your phone. I’m safer in there. You think, that way you can’t fall in love. Even though you are. Falling.

I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to live in your phone. I cannot feel you from there.

So, strangers it is. I am preparing for a life without you. Hoping you’ll realize what nonsense it is to push away what your body wants. Embracing for the sadness, that will eventually be eclipsed by the next beautiful stranger.

For there is always another.

But, for a time, you were my favorite.

Already got a guilty conscience. Might as well have the money, too. Good day, now.

And the pussy.

Sweet, Jesus. That was pointless. We could have stayed strangers. Seriously.

Then again, maybe we are.

Hmmm…

Somewhere along the line I got consumed. And I will again.

Today, however, clarity returns.

The matrix I’ve been observing all week still remains. It’s a very strange time in my life. Yet I feel I’m getting to know myself. Confronting my fears. The lies. My false pride.

And it’s taken a lot to be vulnerable. And she didn’t ask for that.

In fact, playing back the dailies… she probably doesn’t know what to think.

So, this post shall serve as notes to myself. To continue this growth. To regain my balance.

• I need to stop mistaking attraction for caring. Or affection for caring. Or connection for caring. LET it take time. I’ll ramble all day about the butterfly… leaving a trail of dead ones on the ground behind me.
• It’s time to learn to use my anger constructively, as a tool. And speak it. Truth. My truth. If it’s not tesão… a HELL, YES!, then say no. “No, I’m not going to do that.” And move on. Or, “My body says, ‘No.’” She will understand this.
• Lean into what my body is telling me. There will be strong desire when she is around… flow with it. However, when she’s NOT around, and I’m craving that desire, there is no sense in forcing it to get that feeling back.
• For the love of Christ, banish expectations! I am aware of how magical the interactions are when I’m in flow state… especially when I can avoid deep thoughts AND feelings. When expectation creeps back in, with it’s sinister energy, she can feel it. I can feel it. It’s stupid. Why am I so obsessed with her? I used to cherish my solitude—and it bolstered my magnetism. Have I been so poisoned?
• My body already knows what my head is trying to figure out. God damn it! Get the fuck out of my own mind! Feel with my heart, my belly, underbelly, cock. The penis never lies.
• Again, stop thinking about her when she isn’t around. Or at least obsessing!
• Finally, for fuck’s sake, STOP being so needy with the social media! She has demonstrated time and again she is thinking about her. STOP trying to extinguish that!

Ugh. And I was prepared to end it today. She hasn’t been a HELL, YES! in some time. Taking a couple of steps back in preparation for her dropping out of my life has shown me that it’s not her, it’s me. Sounds trite, but I see it.

God damn it. It’s not about controlling the emotions. The desires. For Christ’s sake, DO NOT try to control the desires! That’s where this all started. I need to lean into desires—channel them without controlling them. And the anger.

You know? I finally see the value in the heavy metal music. And the workouts.

It’s true. I need to forget all I have “learned.” All I really need to know is how to:

1. Cook.
2. Eat pussy.

I already know the way to a girl’s heart. And it’s incredibly apparent when it’s the forbidden fruit.

Lean into it, and soon I’ll be able to show her.

Sometimes you're wrong and then sometimes you're right / You're in the dark so I'll turn on the light

I was wrong. It’s not goodbye. It’s… à bientôt.

What a relief! I was smothering her. And her. And everyone else. And myself. And life!

What i'm listening to:

Goodbye [Demo]
Gravity Kills
Mortal Kombat

“Oh, God! I fell asleep. How long was I out?” she asked.

“About five hours. You needed it,” was his reply.

“Oh no! What about you and… ?”

“It’s okay, she knows. We’ve been messaging. She’s waiting in the car…”

“She’s been out there the whole time?”

“What can I say? I guess she loves me!

“…

“Hey, kiddo? I have to tell you. I really like this girl. And she likes me. I never thought anyone would go on an adventure with me. Let alone… her.

“She’s incredible! Beautiful!

“And she’ll do anything for me.

“I don’t know… I don’t know if I like it. I’ve never had anyone love me like she does before. I don’t know what to do!”

Silence.

“Are you awake? I have something to tell you.”

Tears are forming, he goes over to the couch, puts his hand on his niece’s shoulder, and shakes lightly, attempting to wake her.

“Wake up.

“Wake up!” Crying now, “I have to tell you! I have to tell… someone!”

His niece continues to sleep. Exhausted from the all-night going-away party. He collapses in tears, no longer able to control his emotions and love for the woman in the car.

FADE OUT

Something is going on with me. Before the Master Class call today, I couldn’t identify it. Or really describe it. Everyone around me is worried. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Yet, I’m not “depressed.” My gut feels… something. And, maybe for the first time ever, I trust it. Because my mind isn’t racing to figure it out.

Finally.

There is an immensely strong attraction between the girl I met in December and me. And she senses when my mind kicks in. When I feel possessive. When I slip out of relating with her and into those sinister and familiar habits.

And she’ll message me almost the instant I ground and become aware of what I am feeling and where.

Desire is awakening. And with it passion. Suddenly, I know what to say and how it’ll land. Not just with her, but with all of them. I’ve even shot some notes to long dead leads… heartfelt and from the gut. With good response. Which is good, because now I know what and how to practice speaking my truth. My mind is seriously blown! It’s been simmering inside me for about a month now, but now that I know WHAT IT IS, I can finally feel a force inside of me. And it is good. I understand the "This is a good woman" feeling. The tesão!

Add to that the added practices for using my anger as a tool and respecting my honor over my pride… I am excited for the next several months. And banishing all but the HELL YES’s from my life. Thank you, Hans!

“What do you want from her?”

When I saw this question I stopped. Full stop. And stared at it for several minutes.

So simple. It lies at the root of every interaction. With this question in mind, you cannot possibly fuck it up.

Profound.

Yet, looking back, I am aware of just how often this question gets lost. In the feelings. In the noise. In life. When we retreat into our heads. When we start thinking, “God, I don’t want to fuck this up.”

Our saboteurs are funny that way.

That grand question of “What do I want?” is far too complicated. How can we not crawl into the safety of our thoughts?

“What do I want from her?”

This beauty. Right in front of me. Right now. We know. And this. This is desire.

Some days the beauty is just breathtaking.

And renders me speechless.

Today is one of those days.

It seems everything in my life is a lie. And to date, I don’t care.

I’m lazy. I’m apathetic. I’m surly. I’m emo. I don’t express my desires. I drink too much. I sleep too much. And I walk away from those I care about, rather than risk upsetting or offending her.

And I wonder why life is passing me by. Even though I am a better person than I was yesterday. Or a decade ago.

What is missing? What am I missing? From my fortress of solitude—keeping her and everything else… out.

Could it be… intention?

Hmmm…

Nico said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Every single thing we say or do with the energy we have available—we are literally giving our lives away. Freedom comes to him who give their lives to something greater than himself.”

So, I am sitting in this. Live with intention. What does this look like?

There will be some small things: getting out of bed decisively, without hitting snooze or climbing back in; keeping a tidy house, for myself and not just so it’s presentable when she comes over (although that is a bonus); drinking more water; walking with nature; taking care of myself.

There will be some bigger things, some of these are gracing me with apprehension: stop letting people cross boundaries; respect other people’s boundaries; say “no;” say “yes;” walk through that door and commune with the OUT; tell others about how this group is changing my life.

And I am expecting awkwardness. There are people in my life who have always walked all over me… because I have let them. Will they take me seriously? Perhaps not at first, perhaps never. That doesn’t matter, though. Perhaps it’s time they’re no longer in my life.

This is work, and something I am afraid of. But once the boulder is moving with positive inertia, it will serve as a guide. And keep me moving. With intention.

It starts now. I’m going outside for a walk. In nature. No headphones. No tech. Intentionally.

Life does not happen in drips.

Life is a constant.

Life does not even stop while you sleep.

Life does not end when you close your door and you’re by yourself.

Life doesn’t work like that.

Life does not come in waves.

Life, and nature, are willing to provide anything and everything that you want or desire from her, but you’ve got to go first. This means, from the moment you wake up, the first step where your foot touches the earth, is intentional. A step toward that virtue you seek to have within yourself. The way you speak. The way you treat your body. It all must go in the same direction. With intention.

We all have counted amount of days and nights. We all want to make the most. Most of us don’t know what will make this journey worth it…

So, come out and play.

Each day, it becomes more apparent I cannot stay.

What’s next? I don’t know. And what about the girl? What about her?

It’s always about the journey. I cannot help that I want her. I cannot help what she’s going through.

Would I love to spend the rest of my time here in her arms? Absolutely. Yet…

The distance is already growing.

Ohh… I do like it here though. It is beautiful, and snowy, and cold. And the women are wonderful. Amazing. And there are more than I could have imagined!

I met another last night. Another beauty. She, also, will be a great lover to me. Before I go.

Before I go.

I didn’t even get her name. Yet, I will.

You, though.

You are an enigma. You care. You initiate. You miss me, even though you say you don’t.

And I. I am not easy. I know this. We are both broken. So broken. I have learned a lot from you. And will continue to… while I remain.

The next move, however, is out there. Waiting for me to discover it.

I don’t belong here. I am an outsider. Every day, I am reminded of it.

And I want to see you. I am sad that the excitement is gone that you don’t appear to want to see me. “The woods are calling,” you say. And I understand.

It is too early to say, “Goodbye,” however. Yes, I am leaving, but I also must plan the next step.

I know I shouldn’t think about you when you are not here. Yet I do. Are you avoiding me? Or am I avoiding you?