It seems everything in my life is a lie. And to date, I don’t care.

I’m lazy. I’m apathetic. I’m surly. I’m emo. I don’t express my desires. I drink too much. I sleep too much. And I walk away from those I care about, rather than risk upsetting or offending her.

And I wonder why life is passing me by. Even though I am a better person than I was yesterday. Or a decade ago.

What is missing? What am I missing? From my fortress of solitude—keeping her and everything else… out.

Could it be… intention?

Hmmm…

Nico said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Every single thing we say or do with the energy we have available—we are literally giving our lives away. Freedom comes to him who give their lives to something greater than himself.”

So, I am sitting in this. Live with intention. What does this look like?

There will be some small things: getting out of bed decisively, without hitting snooze or climbing back in; keeping a tidy house, for myself and not just so it’s presentable when she comes over (although that is a bonus); drinking more water; walking with nature; taking care of myself.

There will be some bigger things, some of these are gracing me with apprehension: stop letting people cross boundaries; respect other people’s boundaries; say “no;” say “yes;” walk through that door and commune with the OUT; tell others about how this group is changing my life.

And I am expecting awkwardness. There are people in my life who have always walked all over me… because I have let them. Will they take me seriously? Perhaps not at first, perhaps never. That doesn’t matter, though. Perhaps it’s time they’re no longer in my life.

This is work, and something I am afraid of. But once the boulder is moving with positive inertia, it will serve as a guide. And keep me moving. With intention.

It starts now. I’m going outside for a walk. In nature. No headphones. No tech. Intentionally.