Already got a guilty conscience. Might as well have the money, too. Good day, now.

And the pussy.

Sweet, Jesus. That was pointless. We could have stayed strangers. Seriously.

Then again, maybe we are.

Hmmm…

Somewhere along the line I got consumed. And I will again.

Today, however, clarity returns.

The matrix I’ve been observing all week still remains. It’s a very strange time in my life. Yet I feel I’m getting to know myself. Confronting my fears. The lies. My false pride.

And it’s taken a lot to be vulnerable. And she didn’t ask for that.

In fact, playing back the dailies… she probably doesn’t know what to think.

So, this post shall serve as notes to myself. To continue this growth. To regain my balance.

• I need to stop mistaking attraction for caring. Or affection for caring. Or connection for caring. LET it take time. I’ll ramble all day about the butterfly… leaving a trail of dead ones on the ground behind me.
• It’s time to learn to use my anger constructively, as a tool. And speak it. Truth. My truth. If it’s not tesão… a HELL, YES!, then say no. “No, I’m not going to do that.” And move on. Or, “My body says, ‘No.’” She will understand this.
• Lean into what my body is telling me. There will be strong desire when she is around… flow with it. However, when she’s NOT around, and I’m craving that desire, there is no sense in forcing it to get that feeling back.
• For the love of Christ, banish expectations! I am aware of how magical the interactions are when I’m in flow state… especially when I can avoid deep thoughts AND feelings. When expectation creeps back in, with it’s sinister energy, she can feel it. I can feel it. It’s stupid. Why am I so obsessed with her? I used to cherish my solitude—and it bolstered my magnetism. Have I been so poisoned?
• My body already knows what my head is trying to figure out. God damn it! Get the fuck out of my own mind! Feel with my heart, my belly, underbelly, cock. The penis never lies.
• Again, stop thinking about her when she isn’t around. Or at least obsessing!
• Finally, for fuck’s sake, STOP being so needy with the social media! She has demonstrated time and again she is thinking about her. STOP trying to extinguish that!

Ugh. And I was prepared to end it today. She hasn’t been a HELL, YES! in some time. Taking a couple of steps back in preparation for her dropping out of my life has shown me that it’s not her, it’s me. Sounds trite, but I see it.

God damn it. It’s not about controlling the emotions. The desires. For Christ’s sake, DO NOT try to control the desires! That’s where this all started. I need to lean into desires—channel them without controlling them. And the anger.

You know? I finally see the value in the heavy metal music. And the workouts.

It’s true. I need to forget all I have “learned.” All I really need to know is how to:

1. Cook.
2. Eat pussy.

I already know the way to a girl’s heart. And it’s incredibly apparent when it’s the forbidden fruit.

Lean into it, and soon I’ll be able to show her.

Sometimes you're wrong and then sometimes you're right / You're in the dark so I'll turn on the light

I was wrong. It’s not goodbye. It’s… à bientôt.

What a relief! I was smothering her. And her. And everyone else. And myself. And life!