He's close.

He's so close, in fact, that even though i cannot hear him... i can feel him. Lurking behind me. Inside me.

Ugh! I hate this. I wish this cold would just hit and stop teasing me like it has since Thursday.

If i'm going to get sick... let me get sick. If i'm not, well, then i don't need this post-nasal drip crap either.

Usually colds hit me like a sack of potatoes. I wonder if this one is progressing so slowly because i'm in better shape this time than i've been in in years.

Or it could just be the nature of this particular cold bug. Bleah!

There are a couple of people in the office with a cough that almost resembles a death rattle... something i'm NOT looking forward to.

Wonder what this will do to my workout schedule this week. =^(

*groan*

What i'm listening to:

Sweet Talkin' Woman
Electric Light Orchestra
Out of the Blue

After spending the entire weekend thinking about life in 1992, i almost went through the entire day thinking it is the 19th.

I'm glad that bubble burst early. At least i knew it was Monday, but for some reason i thought it was the 19th.

I'm a strange one, i suppose.

So, why was i thinking about 1992? Well, i suppose it has something to do with watching the DVD set of Melrose Place first season... i know, i know, but we all have our guilty pleasures, don't we?

It was a pretty significant year for me. I was fresh out of high school, and i still had a air of naivete about me. I was living in Phoenix, falling in love with the warm weather and the pretty girls and the big city.

However, that summer i made the difficult decision to return to Wyoming. I still had a lot of growing up to do and i wasn't exactly making it on my own.

What still sticks out about me back then is how much of a neat freak i was. I mean, i was almost OCD about being clean and having a clean house.

I wonder what happened... that's a habit i could really use again!

I remember that was the year i got reacquanted with S, whom i'd met my senior year. She was sassy and fun... and very sexy back then. We'd picked up almost exactly where we'd left off after graduation.

The next year we would be snowed in outside of town and have a rather fun night in a hotel room...

Somedays, i wonder what she's up to. She married a friend of mine in '94 or '95... divorced him a few years later and took a chunk of his money, and if the rumor mill has any validity she figured out she was a lesbian.

She could be a lot of fun. Note, i didn't say she WAS a lot of fun. I learned a lot from her... mostly i learned not to put up with her shit.

She certainly wasn't Miss Right. In fact, for being a Miss Right Now, she managed to alienate all of my friends and drive me into some serious debt it took a while to recover from. And wow, did she have a temper.

In fact, since her, i've had a difficult time making new friends of the opposite sex. I did eventually rebuild the friendships i had previously, but i've since lost touch with all of those women.

But she was a part of my life... and i'm still thankful for that.

Oddly, looking back on that now, i see that she was a major part of the person i've become. Sure, i'm confident with people i know and i won't let anyone use me for a punching bag or a doormat... but i've lost a certain je ne sais quoi when it comes to meeting new people. Especially the ladies.

Which strikes me as odd. It's like i'm subconsciously afraid to close the deal... because i'm charming and funny and i'm even approaching hot in my looks.

I suppose there are still a couple of steps i can take in my confidence building. I've had pointers from some of the best... so we'll see where that leads.

What i'm listening to:

Slave to the Grind
Skid Row
Slave to the Grind

I'm finding out that having a clear head may not be what the doctor ordered, 'cos now i'm thinking about life again.

Such as dating... i'm still not really interested in dating, but i would like to meet some people and start having some fun. However, i am wondering if i shouldn't stick to sleeping with unfulfilled married women and divorcées. It would certainly make life less complicated, and it might add an element of excitement... if i do it right. I wouldn't want it to get too exciting!

Then there's the daily grind. When i started this, i made the decision not to talk about work here. Today, i'm closer to that line than i've ever been. Maybe i'll reevaluate my decision... such as mentioning nothing specific, only how i feel about my job and the direction i see myself going? Certain people don't need to know certain things. ;^)

I don't know. It's such a sticky area. I know there are better jobs out there, but i don't want to risk losing my job over a blog post. I know it has happened so many times before to other people.

Yet, people need to vent. I suppose there are "friends only" posts, but then again i don't have any friends... at least any friends who look at this. I figure most people have better things to do than to sit on the internet and read blogs all day.

In fact, i only read a handful myself. I'm thinking of participating in the 'blogosphere' and adding them to my blog roll.

It probably doesn't help that i have symptoms today. I don't know if i'm getting sick or not, but i'm certainly not one-hundred percent. Last thing i need is the return of the "mouth-breather." Bleah!

Perhaps i'm just feeling restless today because the weather outside is absolutely gorgeous... and yet, i'm stuck inside. I should be at home, with all of the windows open cleaning and throwing shit out.

I hate always having to say "tomorrow." However, the weather is supposed to be as great tomorrow, so tomorrow it shall be. At least i don't have anything else to do... and i intend to keep it that way. I NEED to get my house in order... it is my biggest obstacle to a normal life at this point.

Of course, how do you define normal?

The break from school will be good, especially my upcoming trip. I'm really looking forward to seeing H again. I have so many things to do and work on before i go though. I should have my car inspected, because i'm worried about a noise the front passenger wheel has started making... plus i need new tires.

My social life will pick up again starting tonight, but i'm going to have to converse in "safe mode," because i'm trying desperately to kick my annoying habit of not answering questions directly. Most of the time, i answer a question with a question.

I also need to work on being nice. I figure that's not an observation i want women i'm interested in to make.

I'm not saying i'm not nice. However, i know i tend to be too self-centered at times and that probably comes across as "not nice."

Is it a character flaw i'll never be able to overcome? Nah... i'll find a way. I'll just have to be aware of it... and the question thing.

Fun times are ahead! The next step on my road of discovery is a big one... but it'll be worth it.

It has to be.

What i'm listening to:

Can't Cry These Tears
Garbage
Beautiful Garbage

Yay! Exams are done!

Now i can give my shredded mind some sleep it so desperately deserves... tomorrow night, we celebrate!

W00t!

GOOD: I finished one of my finals. I knew the material, i stayed cool, i didn't hurry through it... i think i did alright!

BAD: Still have one more to go.

BAD: Today, i don't feel so good. I've been fighting an upset stomach all day, and since finishing the exam i've also had a bit of a headache... but the Aleve took care of that (for now)! I also appear to be retaining water... i'm all bloated and sloshy... and i weigh three pounds more than yesterday, which has to be water weight.

Considering the upset stomach, supper at Long John Silver's wasn't the best idea.

GOOD: Not feeling like exercising opened the door to talk to one of the young ladies in my history class at the wellness center. We talked for about an hour about the exam, classes, movies, and vacation. Not too bad, anyway... maybe there's something there?

GOOD: I met with O today and showed her my photographic portfolio. She seemed to like what she saw, and i think she's going to model for me... which is very exciting!

I love taking pictures... especially taking good ones! However, i seem to have lost interest some time ago. All of my pictures in the portfolio (and on Flickr) were taken years ago. All of the more recent ones are from the "before time" and have the ex in them.

So, you could say i need to update it... and perhaps soon i'll have a good reason too! O needs to update her portfolio too! And she has a wardrobe and a makeup artist she can bring.

And i have an adorable house, and a lot of ideas. This could be the beginning of something great in that direction! Perhaps this will justify my getting the digital camera i want so bad!

BAD: She forgot to bring her portfolio... so we're meeting again next week so she can show that to me.

And i still feel pretty lousy, but all in all it has been a good day.

Moving on... it has become apparent to me that i'm going to have to go and see T. I just don't want any hard feelings or mixed messages... and i don't want her to think i'm going to bail on her just like that. She really does need a friend, and i really don't mind being that friend for her.

Call it my "saviour complex," or something else. I figure, if i go see her outside of the bad day she was having last weekend... maybe we can let bygones be bygones and put it behind us. It was a stupid argument anyway.

O and i shared horror stories today... she's a very pretty and young divorcée, who's husband cheated on her. I still have a hard time imagining that, but then again it happens!

But she is so gorgeous... the guy must be a real jerk!

Anyway, talking to her gave me some new perspective on relating to people in my life: past, present and future.

And, amazingly, it was WONDERFUL to carry on a conversation with someone and i didn't make it all about me! Perhaps there is hope for me after all!

Now, if only i could release the overflow valve and get this water out of me. Ugh!

What i'm listening to:

Youth Gone Wild
Skid Row
Skid Row

Tonight, i'm again taking advantage of the brilliant idea by the university to leave the library open all night. However, i am running without a nap... so we'll see how long i last.

To be honest, i'm not terribly worried about my finals. This semester is SOOO different from last semester. My focus is back, and i think i know what the professor wants.

He's letting us bring in one page of notes... so i would be stupid to not take advantage of that. My goal tonight is to generate one page of notes to take in to the exam. I'm thinking an outline of what i want to talk about and maybe a few notes to cover some of my bases.

Thursday's exam is a li'l more worrisome... but i think i'll do fine there as well.

Tonight i arrived early enough to see that this appears to be the social event of the season. Granted, i don't have much of a frame of reference... because i haven't attended many campus things this semester. Perhaps i'll have to change that next semester. Perhaps.

Some people just came to pick up a free brownie or biscotti and leave... which still supports the coffee shop idea. I know this is an "interest" thing for the coffee shop, but i would LOVE to see them have occasional all-nighters at the library throughout the semester.

Also, unlike last night... there are plenty of women here. I'll try not to allow myself to get too distracted. Wow, this was definitely a good idea! =^)

Earlier in the gym, i discovered that a li'l distraction is a good thing. The treadmills and ellipticals are positioned in front of the windows... which in the evenings after the sun goes down tend to serve as more of a mirror than a window.

Anyway, the treadmill i was on had the perfect position to observe the wonderful bounce of a fellow student on an elliptical nearby. It is amazing how far a guy can run on the treadmill when distracted! ;^)

She really is a pretty girl too, but she's about as warm and cuddly as a rattlesnake. We share a class together, and she's got quite a forcefield up.

I'm not really sure how you convince someone like that you AREN'T interested in her and she can get over herself and just let you be the friendly guy you are.

I suppose that may be the curse of the hot girl... you are convinced everyone is after your body.

I don't know about that. I like university because i've made plenty of new friends and acquaintances. I don't really consider "dating" any of the women here, largely because i haven't met someone yet that i truly feel the "click."

And most of them are just SOOO young. Besides, it is probably best to start in the "friend zone" first anyway. I like to think i'm safe... and most of my friends would agree i'm safe.

Tonight also marks two weeks since what is probably the best evening i've spent since the before time. Making out with T while listening to Elton John's Rocket Man and steaming up her car windows was certainly pleasant. It is too bad about our argument earlier this week. Somehow, i don't think she's the type of girl to call after a spat like that... regardless of how stupid it was.

Oh well, as fun as she is it couldn't have worked anyway. C'est la vie!

Anyway, i suppose it is time to post this, take another bite of my delicious brownie and a sip of chai (that i had to bring in... only coffee here) and get to thinking about Colonial America.

Can you imagine if the internet had existed back then? Nah, me neither. =^D

What i'm listening to:

Unsound
Bettie Serveert
Private Suit

So, tonight i'm sitting in the library amidst a handful of other students studying for my Art History and Colonial History final exams.

This is a first for the university, so i *had* to participate... because i think the idea is brilliant!

I don't know if a successful experiment will introduce more all-nighters... which is the idea i love so much, but it could possibly bring in a coffee shop, and the idea of making the library more conducive to studying.

Actually, i used to spend a LOT of time in the library. There are very few distractions, it is warm and quiet. All i have is my trusty iPod and WiFi and everything else is school, school, school.

Tonight, i've learned that music files with lower bitrates use the iPod battery much, much slower too.

Of course, i can identify my impressionist, post-impressionist, expressionist, realist paintings... so don't think i've only paid attention to the iPod. ;^)

Anyway, it is late, and i'm tired... and i am considering a run home for a nap before i have to go back to work. But i'll be back tomorrow night. After all, it is for a good cause (even though i was too late for the free food).

What i'm listening to:

Elvis Death Day 2006
Don & Mike
Free FM 106.7 WJFK

So, i've been thinking a little bit about what i consider my biggest character flaw.

I'm wondering if being aware of it is truly making a difference. There are days when i think it is... others when i'm not so sure.

Does someone who isn't at all narcissistic even exist? What kind of person would someone be if they weren't the least bit self-involved? Would he or she be successful? Would he or she even be able to survive without putting him/herself first?

I know i've spent way too much time thinking about this. However, last night i was accused by T of not being very nice. As the resulting argument ensued, it appears as though her self-indulgences took precedence over mine... at least in her mind. Of course, i was looking out for myself... so we clashed.

Oddly, i don't think i was in the wrong here. I will say that i respect her attitudes and priorities... but i would have to ask that she respect mine as well.

I'm more than happy to be her friend... and to that extent i'll do anything for her. What i will NOT do, however, is become her punching bag. So, i guess we'll see how things go...

I've been thinking about getting back behind my camera. It has been several years since i've taken any pictures... and even longer since i've been excited about it. I know part of the problem is my impatience... i'm still shooting film, and by the time i get the film developed, i don't even know what i was thinking when i was shooting anymore.

Last night, i met someone who used to work as a model. She's interested in updating her portfolio, which would allow me to finally update mine. I get less excited about shooting in the winter... at least sans snow. But i have some fabulous ideas involving my cute li'l house that i'll have to run by her.

Which gives me yet another reason to get the house in order. Exams are finished Thursday, so i'll finally be out of excuses. =^)

Anyway, i'm supposed to meet "O" on Wednesday so we can show each other our portfolios. It should be fun!

And she seemed to think i was being nice. =^)

Meeting O relieved some of the guilt i was feeling. There's this young lady i met at the rec center a while back... who i've really enjoyed getting to know. Anyway, last night she showed up for her workout as i was putting on my jacket to get ready to leave. As badly as i wanted to stick around and ask how her studying is going and about her plans for the break and so on... the "player" in me told me to leave.

Personally, i hate these games. It's unreal that by showing "too much" interest i'd actually push her away. The women i've dated in the past have always eaten up the attention.

But, they've always left too... so i suppose there's more than coincidence there.

What i'm listening to:

Red Water (Christmas Mourning)
Type O Negative
October Rust

Imagine my surprise when, while working out last night, i look up to the television to see a young lady disrobe and someone check out her breasts.

As it turns out, the Discovery channel has a show about medical procedures, and last night the focus was on plastic surgery.

I didn't think i'd see anything like that on television (outside of Nip/Tuck) since the Lifetime Medical channel disappeared many, many years ago from my lineup.

I suppose if i were a pre-med or med student, i might have watched with interest... rather than in awe. To be honest, i couldn't stay with it.

Don't get me wrong, i like breasts. I'll admit that i'm one of those people who doesn't really see the need women have to change them, because they are all wonderful... big or small!

(However, i don't know if i'd seriously date someone with freakishly huge ones.)

Give me a nice A, B, or C cup... and i'll be happy. =^)

I have to wonder why that programme was airing in the rec center of all places? It is no surprise that most of the women working out are at their most insecure/vulnerable at that point. I'd hate to think that lovely brunette on the treadmill last night might be thinking about implants after watching that show.

That would be a pity.

Please, keep it real ladies. No matter what anyone tells you, the fake ones just aren't the same. They don't look the same, don't behave the same... and they don't feel the same.

For what it's worth, married woman had implants... quite possibly the best boob job i'd ever seen because i couldn't tell until i'd felt them. Granted, i didn't see her lay down or turn upside down or anything... and they didn't feel as unnatural as some i'd felt in the past do.

There was that gal in Phoenix whose boobs felt like basketballs. Yes, that firm!

She was fun to fool around with, but i have to admit that i would constantly be concerned i might break the baggie inside.

I have to wonder if the "work" affects the sensation a woman feels. Doesn't it decrease the sensitivity? This is a major erogenous zone we are talking about here... my second favorite (to the ears)!

Anyway, contrary to what the Dread Pirate Robert says, there may be a shortage of perfect breasts in the world... but natural equals perfection in my book. You cannot achieve perfection through plastic.

What i'm listening to:

Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds
Elton John
Captain Fantastic and the Brown...