Welcome to my study break.

I find i have to take a break, because i am being distracted by the fellow in the corner who is singing along to the music on his "too loud" earbuds.

For those of you who aren't in the know... i am going for my bachelor's degree in history. As a class requirement, this semester i am taking a fascinating class called American Religious History.

I believe i have stated before, i've never been a spiritual man. I suppose you could say i've always considered myself a deist.

A deist is someone who believes in a higher power, but doesn't necessarily believe that higher power influences day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute events. I suppose the best example is that of a great clock maker. The clock has been built, wound up, and left to do whatever.

However, while i still believe this primarily, i have been giving a lot of thought to what is missing in my life. I have spent a lot of energy filling my life with things i thought would make me happy. I've spent a lot of energy and resources on material things... which seem to give me little long-term satisfaction.

I've spent a lot on becoming educated. I know that i'm intelligent, and i believe it is not possible for me to know too much. Hence this new stint at university... i just hope that somehow it can help me in the long term.

I've invested a lot in love. This one i thought would ultimately payoff... but in the end something went horribly wrong and i have been left with this feeling of loneliness. At least, that's how i feel when i feel anything... largely i've just been numb.

In a way, a new conflict has been building inside of me. Perhaps i should wax philosophically, and figure out what i've done, and how or if it really matters! After all, does anything we do really matter?

I think that it is only arrogance that makes a person matter beyond the scope of himself/herself. However, because i am the only person to which i matter... i owe it to myself to be as happy as i possibly can... as content, as successful.

Then i get to thinking about religion. Perhaps by awakening my spiritual side, i'll find that piece that has been missing throughout everything. Anyone who knows me can attest that i've always seemed like i'm looking for something.

Maybe i just don't know what that is.

My history professor would be proud of me for taking this opportunity to reflect. In our society, that is one thing that is missing in life... people are so busy following "the man's" clock that they are unable to take enough time to reflect. To find themselves.

However, i should probably pause in my reflecting and get back to my history studying. One more final... then anything is possible!

What i'm listening to:

Behind These Hazel Eyes
Kelly Clarkson
Breakaway

Yep, it was a bit premature. This manic depression is starting to scare me. I mean, i suppose it is normal considering the feelings i have for this girl... i just hope when i move on, so does it...

Anyway, today what brought it on was this. While eating lunch, this old lady was having an asthma attack... and her inhaler was out in the car. It was pretty frightening.

And it got me to thinking... if i were to die today, would she have said everything to me she wants me to know? Would i have said everything to her? Would she be devastated?

Am i getting too deep?

Maybe this is coming back to needing closure. Of course, not knowing always weighs heavier on a soul... even when the truth sucks!

I think we both need this.

Wow, i think i'm finally starting to move on.

*FINALLY*

Ok, maybe that's premature... after all, it has only been ten days. However, i feel a bit more accepting of the situation. Do i still think she's making a mistake? Yes. Do i have to let her make it? Yes. Do i still want to be her friend? Yes.

So, it is time to start climbing out of this hole. If it is our destiny to be together, then our paths will cross again... and she will still be the wonderful person i fell in love with.

She loved me, i have absolutely no doubts about that... in fact, i believe she still does. The time just isn't right. She sees it, perhaps i do now too.

However, i still have that twinge where i want to say goodbye. We'll see.

Anyway, today i saw the house and found out what happens next... negotiations for repairs. Yay!

Does that mean i'm ready to stay in Topeka? Perhaps... for now, anyway!

So, if i can continue on this path and keep those bloody dreams at bay... i should be ok! Wish me luck!

The word never is a very interesting and a very powerful word.

The dictionary lists this as a definition:

nev•er adv. 1. not ever, at no time. 2. not in any degree, not under any circumstances.

For instance, i can say that i have never enjoyed coffee. I can say i have never seen Europe, or that i have never read a Jackie Collins novel, or that i have never cheated on my girlfriend.

But, once i find a coffee i enjoy, i can never again say that... or tour Budapest, or read one of those trashy novels.

Or cheat.

Thinking about the latter is affecting me very deeply. I don't know what happened, but the more i think about the last time we were together, the more i wonder if she hadn't cheated.

She always said she'd never cheat. She couldn't. I believed her.

And maybe she didn't. Only she knows for sure.

But, if she did... how does that weigh upon her soul? Will she always think about it? Will she always feel guilty for giving into temptation which led to her casting aside the best thing to ever happen to her?

What will she be capable of next? Once we cross a line, can we ever go back?

Now that we are no longer together, she is free to do whatever with whomever. But does that do anything to ease the guilt?

Between her being someone's puppet and perhaps giving in to this... how can i deal with it? It is so hard to stand by and watch someone you love make choices they would never make, do things they would never do, cross lines they would never cross.

I have never been a very spiritual man, but this has been tearing at my soul. I honestly don't know how to get past this... because i have this need to know she will be ok, safe, and cared for.

I've been told that i will gradually think about her less as time goes on. Eventually, i will notice that i didn't think about her for an hour, an afternoon. Someday i will notice i didn't think about her for a day, then a weekend.

The fact i am dwelling on this like i am, i have been told, means i am a good man with a good heart. If good things happen to good people, how come something so terrible happened to me? I still believe she can be a good person, but i believe someone has misguided her moral compass... and depending on what she has done, she may be afraid there is no way back.

I don't believe she ever wanted to end it with me. Everything she did and every decision she made happened so fast.

And the emails i've been recieving are not hers. There are subtle nuances that are missing... these are not her words.

I know what she is doing and i cannot believe it will lead to her happiness. I cannot believe that she can find with this person what she had with me.

Perhaps this is why i am going crazy. When put to the test, i'm finding that my moral compass is strong... but i feel such an overwhelming sadness for her because i feel she is losing her way. She is crossing lines she would never have crossed. She would never have betrayed me... but she has.

Perhaps she is correct, perhaps we can never work. Betrayal takes time to get over. Betrayal can leave a grudge. I just need to be strong and optimistic. Someday she will get hurt again, i can only hope she knows she can call me.

Please take care of yourself and be safe, C. You will always have a friend if you need one. You will always have a place to stay.

Well, i think i'm starting to get the pieces of my life put back together. I never would have fathomed it would be this difficult. I guess i had gotten used to C being such a huge part of my life.

Now, i admit i'm a little concerned about that hole getting filled. I don't know who could blame me for having trust issues. That, and i don't exactly open up to people well... ok, part of this 'blog' thing is for me to work on that. Still, there are things i would probably never share here.

Seriously, who wants to hear about my sex life anyway? =^)

Anyway, just because i know the song is ending doesn't mean i shouldn't enjoy the music!

It should be fun figuring out what life was like before C. Ok, life will never again be what it was like before C. She influenced me and changed me more than she will ever realize. I still believe if she would take a close look at the man i've become... she would see all the changes have been for the better and that i am very close to being the man she wants.

Or doesn't want. Whatever.

I have decided to buy a new camera. Not quite ready for digital yet... well, i am, just not financially. I have to be responsible with my money... i'm on the verge of actually making it work. Yay, me!

At least classes are finished. All that remains are a couple of finals. Then, i'll be able to concentrate on work and getting my personal life back into check. I guess it's time to start some of the activities i used to enjoy so much.

I've decided to put my photography portfolio online. I know i've done some good work there in the past, and if i put it in the right place, maybe i'll find some more opportunities to do good work. Add to that my drawing class i'm taking in the fall, maybe it will be good to have yet another creative outlet at my disposal.

Well, it's time for this li'l coffee shop to close, so i'll pick this up later.

Today ended up being a bad day. A box was waiting for me when i got home... full of stuff C had "borrowed."

I suppose i should just be glad that it wasn't full of the gifts i'd given her.

The item in the box that hit hardest was the Airport card for her iBook. I suppose she may have found one at the Apple store... i can't imagine her cracking the keyboard to pop it out. Anyway, since she wanted to stay in touch via email and loves her iBook... i hope she can keep it wireless.

If she still wants to keep in touch, that is.

So, anyway, i got to thinking about what i need to send back. There are countless scrunchies, a bathrobe, a t-shirt, toothbrush, and some other li'l items.

Plus, there is something that i bought her before the 'bold statement' that isn't here yet... and i don't really have a use for it, so she'll get that too.

Within the last two months we were pretty serious about the relationship. We even went to the local furniture store to pick out what would eventually become "our" bed. We both laid down on it... to discover if we could accept the amount of moving each of us do at night. We even had a plan to go halfsies on it. Seemed fair, right?

Friends and family seem to think the "seriousness" is what scared her. I can't disagree with them... but again i wish she had told me her concerns. Now i can't help but think our relationship has always been clouded by secrets. Maybe, just maybe this is her sweet revenge for an incident that happened six years ago... and maybe this was her plan all along.

No. While i love a good conspiracy theory, C doesn't... whatever happened happened quickly and profoundly. She believed i wanted her to choose between me and Colorado. I was just frustrated she didn't mention her desire to stay there sooner, but somehow she will always see that as an ultimatum. If it was, i certainly didn't mean it as such... sometimes it was so hard to get a dialogue going! But, if she's been so unhappy... if things were building like she says... why, oh why didn't she convey this to me?

Anyway, i still intend to get the bed, which is a queen. Since i'm currently in a full, that leaves bedding i was also going to give her in the meantime. I know she'd appreciate the heated mattress pad... especially on those bad days. So, do i include that in the box, or is that too much? Maybe i should wait on sending the whole thing... she wants her space, and everything was an extra to keep here for her visits.

Well, by the time someone reads this who can answer the question... i'm sure she'll have moved on and on, and with any luck, i will have as well. Suppose that's what i get for hiding this journal from the search engines as long as i did.

Anyway, i have a movie review to write for my music in movies class. It is a movie i don't particularly like, although the music in it is quite good. My date will help me "get through" it, i'm sure! =^)

Today, i overheard a wise man say, "There's only so much you can say about something that's bad before you sound like an asshole."

Perhaps that applies to relationships ending as well?

What i'm listening to:

Comfortably Numb
Pink Floyd
The Wall