Wow!

Today, i apparently have nothing to say. I suppose it is fortuitous that i've always been someone who can talk a lot without saying anything, eh?

Actually, that was never my gift. C had a talent for that. She used to hate when i would sit silent on the phone because i just didn't have anything to say.

Well, just as i was beginning to enjoy the autumn colors, the weather turned cold, reminding me my least favorite time of year is upon us.

Maybe that's not entirely fair. Granted, i hate being cold... and this winter looks to be the worst in a while because i'll be sleeping alone... but i love the snow, and i've really grown to love my new bed and new sheets (whether someone else is there or not)!

However, having someone else in my life never really changed my feelings toward the silly season which is already looming in the shopping mall.

I've been thinking about where i was at this point last year. C and I were not together at this time last year... that time it was my fault, my stupidity. I won't go so far as to say it was a mistake... especially in light of what she would eventually do to me. In fact, it was something i needed to do, and the events of last October have actually helped me to deal with getting over C.

So, i've been doing a lot of reading lately. I think this is the first time since my return to university that i have managed to find time to read books that aren't school books. Well, i guess that remains to be seen... considering i've not yet completed all of my assigned reading. I have this terrible habit of picking up any book that a teacher, friend, or even someone i just met suggests. This month it is Confessions of St. Augustine and City of God, both suggested by my Colonial History professor.

With my workout schedule and all of my little side projects... it's no wonder i don't seem to have a lot of free time anymore! =^)

So, i suppose i should stop "reflecting" and get back to what i'm supposed to be doing, eh? ;^) I didn't do too bad for not having anything to say!

It never ceases to amaze me what young women will decide to wear before going out for a night on the town.

I mean seriously... do they even look in the mirror?

However, having said that... i'm not opposed to dating someone who is fashionably-challenged. In fact, i have dated gals with limited fashion sense... but as long as she is willing to let me pick out clothes for her and even buy her clothes i think are cute/would look good on her, that is all i would ask.

Trust me, it will be fun... and you're going to like the way you look! I guarantee it! =^)

So, everyday i'm exposed to a little nugget that reminds me of what i was looking for before the 'before time.' The latest rediscovery i've been reminded of is that southern accent.

I've always wanted to date someone with a southern accent, or a European one, or Australian... something different, yet sexy. I suppose i've always been drawn to that.

Maybe there's just something about a different accent. C used to swoon over my faux-British accent... and it isn't even very good. I can talk southern in front of southern people, but i wouldn't dare talk Brit in front of a Briton. Maybe i should work on it in front of the mirror.

Or give it up... i don't know.

It never ceases to amaze me what random ideas run through my head... and it's frightening that i can follow the train of thought that leads me to each one!

And, it's too bad there aren't enough southern girls here... =^\

What a fabulous weekend!

I admit i got kind of a late start, having to work Friday night, but i took advantage of my free room coupon at the casino.

I didn't spend much time in the casino tho'. I wanted to get out of the house, because i have sooo many things to do around the house that when i try to do homework (which a good chunk of the weekend was devoted to), i get to looking around and thinking about what i need to do around the house.

Instead i should be able to concentrate on my homework. I have a paper in history due next week, and a couple of English papers as well.

Anyway, in the 30 minutes i spent in the casino, i invested $5 in one slot machine, won $40... moved that to the dollar slots and walked away from them with $250.

Not a bad return on five bucks! I ended up leaving with over $300 in my pocket when i left the next morning.

And the room was SOOO nice! There was no free internet access, but that usually turns out to be a blessing... fewer distractions when doing work on the computer!

Saturday, i picked up a couple of books i'd been looking for... a few apples to snack on and a bunch of grapes. Also did some of the house work i hadn't been able to find time to do. Finally got the "C" box moved to the basement... so i don't have to look at that anymore.

Yay!

This weekend, i realized that i'm not in love with anyone. I don't know when that happened, but it is rather liberating and sad at the same time. However, not being in love with someone opens me up that much more when i do meet that special someone.

And after this weekend, confidence is high that will happen!

Saturday night, i did get stood up at the club... but i did meet someone new. Needless to say, she was a LOT of fun... of course, the circumstances were such that nothing will ever come of it, so that relieves some of the pressure, right? Hell, we didn't even exchange names!

And now, on Monday... i'm learning that i look sexy in my new turtleneck! =^)

I will admit, i'm a little conflicted about crossing lines that *maybe* i should not have crossed... but on the other hand, there's no point living if you can't feel alive.

Does it count as cheating if someone gives a married woman four orgasms and she gives him two hickeys, yet neither of them ever take their pants off?

You see, i have this friend... and inquiring minds want to know!

And i can no longer say i've 'never' had a hickey... =^\

Hellooo turtlenecks!

Thank God it's Friday!

Normally i don't look forward to the weekends. I suppose lately it is because i don't really have anyone to share them with... although, to be fair, C's work schedule didn't have her weekends fall on Saturday and Sunday anyway... so i'm not sure i looked forward to them then either.

Anyway, for what it's worth, i'm on an upswing again. It's probably because i'm getting out of town. I wonder if some weekend i'll be able to stay home and actually get something accomplished! Probably not anytime soon.

So, i'm skipping town for a place where my cell phone won't even work... and we'll see what i manage to get done. I have plenty of homework to do this weekend, so that is the plan.

That, and maybe i'll pick someone up at the lounge there. =^)

I need to find that utopic balance between getting things done, moving forward with my new business venture, and getting out and socializing. All of the above are SOOO essential to the new me, and really the only things that stand in my way are work, sleep... and for the time being, money.

Money hasn't been an issue at all this year... which is probably why everything else fell apart. However, i've hit a bump this month that stretched things pretty tight. We'll have to see what to do to get out of it!

Wednesday night was fun. I ended up at the nightclub for the toga party... ran into someone i'd not seen in several months, who happened to be the first friendly gal i'd met after the 'before time.' Meant a lot to me that she came up to me and said "Remember me?"

She is SOOO cute!

And then as the night progressed, i met someone new. "J" seems to be very friendly, is going through dramatic weight loss similar to mine (but from very different reasons), and she's very cute and bubbly. Needless to say, it was a pretty fun night!

We'll have to wait and see what happens!

Why do i feel like i'm going nowhere?

I really am sorry for going emo again... i'm not sure what's going on with me or how to fix it. It could be the change of the seasons... but it's probably just the fact that i have so many things i want to do and never enough time to do them.

If only i could either kick that annoying sleep habit... or not have to go to the job anymore. Personally, i would prefer the latter! =^)

I know part of the problem is the loneliness. In fact, that's a pretty big part of the problem. I haven't heard from R or D... or C for that matter (not that i expect to hear from her again, so much for being "friendly", eh?).

I'm finding that i'm missing C again. Unfortunately that sends my mind into 'if' hell again... i always believed that i wouldn't be upset if she were to leave me for someone better. If she had "traded up," if you will.

Well, she didn't "trade up." That troubles me.

Moving on... i've been working out too much. At least, i might be. Last night, i couldn't finish my workout. I just hit a point where i was tired and couldn't lift what i'd been lifting. I did manage to find some energy left over to run a few laps... so the evening wasn't a complete waste.

I slept fairly well last night, for a change. I even had a dream... and she wasn't in it at all, which was another refreshing surprise!

I'm looking forward to this weekend... while i *should* probably stay at the house and get some things done there, i've got another therapy weekend planned out of town. If memory serves, where i'm going doesn't even allow me a cell phone signal... so i'll have plenty of time to do nothing.

Will it be an effort not to think, to reflect, to make even more go away?

Last weekend, i tried some new foods for their nutritional qualities. There were bananas, brazil nuts and dark chocolate, all of which are supposed to help enhance my mood. To give my skin a "glow," i've been eating almonds. To help me feel more full and keep my blood sugar balanced, i've been eating apples. I even bought some raspberries... but the mold got to them before i could. Bleah!

Anyway, eating new things seems to have thrown my diet out of whack. Beyond that it is hard to explain... although the mood swing might have something to do with it though. Hmm... if some of those foods really work as "mood lifters" i must REALLY be down!

I need to pursue new music again like i did over the summer. Maybe some upbeat electronica with no lyrics. I do fine as long as i cannot relate to the lyrics.

Forget that, i need to just get out and socialize and meet people. I just wish i knew how... i wish i enjoyed being out there. I think it is my desire to stay in my shell that will keep me alone. It was very nice when there was someone sharing the space in my li'l shell... but she was a rarity i fear. Maybe there is another women who enjoy spending all of her time (or at least most) with her man... thinking about her man. The big question is, how do i meet her if she is as "shut-in" as i am?

If only C would not have lost her faith... in God, in herself, in us. But she has.

I would like to get married.

It's funny, because that was never a high priority. Yes, i did entertain the notion back when C and i were still together. In fact, we even discussed it on occasion.

Too bad she had to send those mixed signals. When we were together, she consistently insisted that she didn't want to get married. It wasn't until this August that i found out she had always wanted 'the ring.'

I suppose one could argue that i now know the reason why she didn't want to get married.

Anyway, i'll admit that now i'm a bit afraid of marriage. I'm afraid that the death of this relationship has left me feeling the way C felt when the relationship started getting serious.

I am deathly afraid i will always be alone. I used to enjoy being alone so much, but i really enjoyed having C around. That was a pleasant surprise to this loner! Now, i just long for that day when i'll have someone to share my time with again.

But thinking about marriage. I want to break the trends of numbers... i only intend to do it once. However, what scares me there is that if someone who is so hopelessly in love with me that she would marry me can give in to temptation and sleep with another man... what hope is there that a marriage can work?

I know i'm overanalyzing again. That, and i'm sure i've posted something about this before.

I guess i'm just trying to find a balance i can live with. I want to fall in love again... but i don't want to feel like there is an underlying reason. I'm afraid the next time, there is no way the love will be as pure or innocent as my relationship with C was. I don't know what her intentions were, but for me it all just happened... and it was such a wonderful whirlwind.

I feel like the next time around it will be tainted... just because the next relationship will have that underlying agenda. Maybe this is just crazy?

Yes, maybe it is... the short tryst with T, which also just happened, was pretty wonderful. I wasn't looking at the time, she just seemed very interested... and she was. And she was wonderful!

So, i suppose it is irrational to start looking for a woman to date... or even to marry. She will probably be one of those things that i won't be able to find as long as i am looking for her, but instead will pop up when i least expect it!

That wouldn't be so scary if there were actually women in my life right now!

I'm so scared of becoming my father. C proved that i am able to love... i don't want to get burned to the point that i not only no longer love... but no longer really even feel.

Nothing quite like seeing bright red and blue lights in the rear view mirror at 1:30 in the morning. At least i had the sense to sit and chill for a couple of hours after my third Bloody Mary of the night.

Michelle makes them SOOO good!

Anyway, last night must have been a checkpoint night, because i wasn't pulled over for speeding or a broken taillight or anything like that. Apparently my license tag, when ran, came up for an SUV.

???

So, i was able to produce my registration, which was valid (and checked out), but the officer did advise me to ask the county to clear this up when i'm up for renewal.

Hopefully i'll remember, that is about six months away... and then, i don't know if they'll know how to fix it anyway. The last time i was pulled over 18 months ago, the officer at that time mentioned the same thing, but the people at the county can't even get my address change posted correctly (so i get the reminder notice)... i'm not sure they can fix this.

Short of taking my tag away and giving me an 'ordinary' one, anyway.

So, that was how my less-than-exciting weekend ended. I really need to find a woman.

Even if only for a night. Stupid hormones!