Quote of the day (by Rachael Yamagata ):

I'm old enough to get my heart broken, however old that is, and young enough to fall for the bastards who do it.

Rachael's website is still teasing us with this message: New album coming soon!

And we're still waiting.

I'm certain it will be well worth the wait though.

What i'm listening to:

Stranger
Hilary Duff
Dignity

Occasionally, I ask myself this question.

From a metric standpoint, it is a waste of time. Nobody reads this blog. Those few who do, don't comment, don't return, or both.

While I would like to see more comments on here, I can live without them as well.

For someone in my line of work, who spends 8-10 hours a day in front of a computer, it seems silly that I would spend any of my spare time in front of my iMac while at home.

And for someone who's friends consider (at least at one time) a selfless person, it seems like an awfully narcissistic venture to maintain a journal that centers around me.

So, why do I do it?

Allow me to segue a little bit. Today, for lunch a group of us at work tried out the new Vietnamese restaurant in town. The cuisine was outstanding, but like so many other Asian restaurants, they had these placemats on the table featuring the Chinese Zodiac.

I'm not one who regularly follows horoscopes, whether it's the "Year of the Rat" or gazing into the stars. Having said that, I think it is uncanny how some of the things written hit close to home.

From Wikipedia:

Rat: Forthright, inquisitive, honest, hardworking, industrious, thrifty, generous to close family and friends, bright, intuitive, sociable, shrewd, clannish. Can be gossipy, critical, over-ambitious, avaricious.

From another Chinese Zodiac website:

Rat people usually have more acquaintances than real friends and they revere and cherish those close to them.

From the placemat:

You are ambitious yet honest. Prone to spend freely. Seldom make lasting friendships.

I have found many references, stating that Rats have few friends or have a hard time maintaining friendships.

That is a characteristic I definitely possess. For good or bad, it's something I've come to accept.

Which leads me back to the original question, "Why do I blog?" My few friends either do not have regular access to email, or they are almost as bad at sending email as I am.

So, essentially I do this to write letters. I think through this process of evolution I'm going through that maintaining a record is going to be invaluable when I eventually settle on what person I am to become. I am certain that he will combine the best aspects of all of these experiments I am undergoing... and it will be fascinating to look back and see how I got there.

Is that terribly crazy?

So, why a blog and not a diary? Honestly, it is almost easier to keep this "diary" online than it is to keep it on a laptop, a flash drive, or written in a notebook. I can post to the blog from anywhere, as long as I can find a computer... it doesn't even have to be mine! In a pinch, I could post an entry from my cell phone.

That would be a tedious endeavor though.

And, as long as I'm storing this "diary" online, why not let other people read it? If people can learn from my triumphs, my pitfalls, my stupidity, or my brilliance... then so be it!

That, my friends, is the reason why.

What i'm listening to:

Promise
Ciara
The Evolution

Last night, I decided it might be a good idea to re-read my blog. So much has happened, and it is a surprisingly good record of my state of mind!

It confirms that I'm in a much better place now than I was eighteen, twelve, and even six months ago. Yet, I can still see room for improvement, which gives me something to look forward to over the next six, twelve, eighteen months.

I considered dumping posts... because frankly they're simply awful. I was certainly devastated in the early days of the blog... and there are a lot of things I wrote down in those posts that I no longer believe. However, it would be unfair to dump them just because I no longer feel that way.

Revisionist history... hmmm... makes me think of someone else I've read about. ;^)

It is refreshing to see evidence that I am growing as a person. I've mapped out the next step, so I'll be interested to see how that leap goes.

You see, I've always been a charmer. However, I have this hang up... I don't particular enjoy being in the spotlight. I don't like to be the center of attention.

I've realized that it is my charm that is one of my most attractive qualities. It also makes sense that if I really want to stand out to the future Ms. Right or Ms. Right Now, I'll need to find some comfort in being that "stand up" guy.

Perhaps it will be easiest if I can let go of caring about being the center of attention. Think about it, people who are often in the center usually aren't consciously aware of it.

Upon reflection, I'm at my best if I'm just being myself and being social and not thinking about (translation: worried about) having the attention.

Besides, what's wrong with attention? It's attention I'm going to need to take that next step toward becoming more social.

At least, I'm not that whiny, needy, clingy wussbag who started this blog. I am the best thing that ever happened to me... and no woman will ever have that title again.

Don't misconstrue what I'm saying... I believe someday in the near future, there will be a special young lady or two in my life. She (they?) will be a very special part of my life, and they will bring that to the table, but it is important that I don't lose myself in the process. I will always be able to exist without her.

And that, my friends, is the biggest breakthrough I've observed in my blog. For now, anyway. =^)

What i'm listening to:

This Love
Tiffany
Just Me

Some days I just love my job!

Does anyone realize how much I hate being right all the time? Yet, no one ever believes me... why is that?

*grin*

Last night, my buddy gives me a call wanting to go out... so I concede. I really shouldn't be staying at home anyway.

On my way to see him, I stopped by the dance club to see the owner. That was a good meeting... he needs a club photographer to snap pictures on the weekends, and offered the post to me.

So, I guess I'll be like Ted McGinley's characters in the post-jump episodes of The Love Boat... which will be cool. Club girls love to have their pictures taken, and it'll provide a new approach for opening women.

Plus, he buys my drinks and generally takes great care of me when I'm in there, so I'm glad to do it.

Afterwards, I pick up my friend, and he wants to go to the new sports bar we hung out at last week, promising lots of women and a good time.

Well, last night, there weren't lots of women there. To say I was bored would be an understatement. I spent most of the time there talking to a couple of women I wasn't really interested in while he made his social rounds.

Finally, we moved on to another sports bar... one that was also having karaoke night (did I forget to mention that about the previous bar?), but this one was packed. It was there that I had a realization.

I've been spending so much time at the nightclub, that I'm not really interested in the girls who hang out at sports bars anymore.

There's an occasional looker at a sports bar, but she appears too infrequently for my tastes, and she's rarely dressed up. I've also noticed that these are the girls that are just smashed, with drinks spilled on their clothes, eyes barely opened, and staggering around just trying to stay upright.

Did I mention that "T" was there last night? She actually wasn't one of the "smashed" girls, and came over to say hello. Had she not been there with someone, it might have been a good night for an encounter, but I didn't want any drama since she was with someone.

That was also the bar the Hooters girls chose to hang out after work.

Anyway, after some time, my friend and his new off/on lady friend decided to go back to the previous bar. I took that opportunity to slip back into the nightclub.

Good call! "Mary," the history girl from a few posts ago was there, and dressed to the nines... but I didn't talk to her.

I didn't have to. =^)

My game was on last night... it was like coming home! After feeling totally out of my element at the other bars, I had a good time at the club.

After approaching and chatting with a few club girls, I posted up at the bar and had a few other girls come up to me. One girl approached me to settle an argument between her and the guy she met there regarding which is better: here or Arizona?

I had to side with her. Since my visit to Vegas, I'm really missing the desert! Since I lived in Phoenix for a while, at least I had a frame of reference, so I knew what I was talking about, and the areas she was talking about.

"A" approached me, and we talked for a little bit, turns out she's going to Vegas this weekend.

There was another lovely lady who came up, but I didn't get a name (when it gets late and I start to get tired... I forget the rules. They aren't quite drilled in yet!). However, we did have a fun conversation, and when the bar closed she gave me a hug and said she hopes to see me next time.

I do love the club!

This morning, I was shocked to discover that my success in the club isn't the only turn in my road.

My pants don't fit anymore. Ok, they fit, but wearing them would be uncomfortable.

I haven't been overeating, nor have I been undereating. I suppose it is time to track what I am eating more dilligently. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that it is a combination of my summertime laziness (I'm taking a lot of naps lately!), and my infrequent workouts (the university's gym's summer hours suck!) are the biggest contributing factors.

However, I'm concerned. If I actually have to dig the "fat pants" out of the basement, I will be upset. I need to fix this now.

Oddly, I don't think I've gained weight. I'll have to get in a workout this evening and find out.

And tonight, it's time to build a new schedule to follow. No more neglected workouts, homework, and housework. Social time will have to be cut back, but it will be worth it!

What i'm listening to:

Everybody Have Fun Tonight
Wang Chung
Mosaic

Yesterday, I stumbled upon a blog that was rather disturbing. On the surface, it appears to be written by a girl who misses her former boyfriend.

Upon further reading, it is her anonymous journal... a desperate attempt to stay in touch with a guy who's forbidden contact with her via restraining order.

What is it about our small sphere of existence that creates such a sense of scarcity that we can get so wrapped up in the wrong person?

Seriously, what is up with that? Granted, I'm just as guilty as some of these other people who's blogs I happen upon... but I'd like to think that my eyes have been opened.

So, what does it take to open more people's eyes? I just get this feeling that these people are so pathetic... but then I feel like a hypocrite, because I know I have been there.

Then I feel sorry for them, because I have no way of moving them safely to the place where I am now.

I accept that there are so many women out there, that all of the Miss Wrongs just don't matter. I can continue on my quest for Miss Right.

Or Miss Right Now. =^)

However, I have to admit that occasionally that cute co-worker walks by, and I know she wants me, but I don't dare.

I've learned, it is more trouble than it is worth. It doesn't matter how cute she is... I'll meet another. Besides, it's more about the game than the girl.

No, I'm not saying that the girls aren't important. They are. However, my focus needs to be on myself, on my state.

Ok, I'll stop rambling now.

What i'm listening to:

Time After Time
Cyndi Lauper
She's So Unusual

I was raised in a really small town. It's one of those communities where everyone knows who you are and what you are up to... even the people you don't know personally have their own conceptions of who you are, however flawed their information may be.

A place like that instills ideas, beliefs, and eventually habits... and shapes one's personality.

Granted, I am not in what one would consider a big city now, but it is hard to get into my head the idea that people out there aren't watching... that they quite frankly don't care what I do.

I've spent so much of my life "keeping my nose clean" that I feel trapped inside myself. I still feel self-conscious when it comes to approaching women.

One thing I was able to do in Las Vegas was to debunk the myth inside myself that there is a scarcity of women in the world. It is this belief of scarcity that leads men less fortunate than me to date women they work with, settle for less than the ideal girl, and even marry the first one they sleep with.

There are so many beautiful women out there... so many options! If one young lady turns a cold shoulder to me, all I need to do is say, "Next!"

It's that simple!

And stop being so paranoid. No one is watching you... no one cares!

So, approach that gorgeous young brunette. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain!

What i'm listening to:

Brand New Lover
Dead or Alive
Mad, Bad & Dangerous to Know