Hottest day of the year, and I manage to kill the A/C in my car.

I just want it back.

Without it affecting my upcoming plans—from reclaiming my abandoned desires.

More on that soon.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

George Carlin, one of the greatest minds to live, delivered many meaningful messages via his comedy. Above was one of my all time favorites.

And it rings true. Everyday.

Yet, sometimes it takes a shift of perspective to allow us to regroup. To refocus on what’s important.

What is important? Stuff? Money? Family?

None of the above? Yes, none of the above. Only two things are important. Yourself and the right now.

That’s it. Nothing else matters.

Stuff? That’s pretty understandable. You acquire things through life. Some of it is taken away from you. Some of it you give away. Some of it provides creature comforts through various stages of life. Some of it makes us numb. But most of it, we don’t need. Including that smartphone.

I used to think I couldn’t live without my iPod. Now, I rarely even listen to music. And books? As long as I have a list of what I want to read (or re-read), these too can pass in and out of my life.

Money? Again, this can be taken away from you. It can be given away. I won’t lie and say money doesn’t provide options—that money isn’t nice to have. But there are a lot of people out there with no money. They may not be happy... but they survive.

Family? Perhaps, but consider this: don’t think your sister, kid, cousin, brother, etc. won’t shit all over you if/when you cross them. Don’t kid yourself. And don’t think family won’t take advantage of you—just because you’re family. And take. And take.

Siddhartha conveys this message beautifully, when he discovers he has a son, and attempts to reconnect and have a life with him... only to realize they each have very different lives, different outlooks, different journeys. And he does the only sane thing to do. He wishes his son well, and let’s him go.

So, here is where I’m arriving at in my journey. Myself, and the right now. Sometimes, it takes a colossally bad decision to inspire coerce us into change. And here we are.

As mentioned previously, my sister has moved in to get her life together. While she is making progress, I am struggling to retain myself and to focus on what’s important. I get “victims,” after all, we can smell our own. But I’ve moved past that, and no longer need negative energy in my life. When I agreed to let her stay, I believed she was on a similar journey... to find herself and to find a great life.

Instead, I find a lack of motivation and missing—wait for it—stuff. All for helping—wait for it—family. And, of course, there is also missing—you guessed it—money. So, now I’m back in a position where I’m reacting to what’s happening in my life, instead of enjoying the right now.

And now, I won’t kid you—I have to protect the money. I will sell the stuff, and I’m aware that this arrangement will ultimately implode that side of the family.

For the first time in years, I know what I want. I know the journey I’m on. I have an idea what resources I’ll need to pursue it.

And while, if it all disappeared tonight, I may still find a way to pursue my dreams—I need to re-focus on myself. Purge the stuff. Protect the money. And remove the drama.

There is no point in trying to save someone from their own toxicity... plus, that’s not my job nor my purpose.

Happy anniversary to my freedom.

Next stop... Romania.

What i'm listening to:

I'm Free
Jon Secada
Jon Secada

Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world?

Because I did. Tonight.

Quite simply stunning.

All I want is a place to sit in silence and reflect. Yet, how do I find such a place?

It is true, there are consequences for all of our decisions. I agreed to allow my sister to stay in my home to get her life together. At the time, I suspected our lifestyles were polar opposites—suspicions which have been since confirmed—and now I find I’m spending less and less time every day in my own sanctuary.

Everyday, I commit to designing the life I want. However, this decision has me frantically looking for an exit.

What is my exit strategy? How do I get back to, well, me?

This. This is stealing my focus from things that used to matter to me.

Or is it?

My focus frequently circles back around to freedom. Freedom from poor decisions made in my younger years. Freedom to live the life I want. Freedom to discover the world. Freedom to discover women.

Freedom to discover myself.

While it is tempting to let this setback get me down, perhaps it’s an opportunity to refocus. To combine the goals.

To accelerate the game plan. If I no longer have a place to live here, she will have to figure it out faster.

Or not. Either way, she’ll have to push on without depending on me. Someone who never wanted a dependent.

Opportunity. That’s the ticket.

It is time to brainstorm the exit strategy. To move towards the life I want.

Everything we desire is outside our comfort zone.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend sent me a quote.

Life is a dick. Sometimes it gets hard for no reason.

So true! Ever since returning from my Wyoming adventure, my life has become—well, chaotic. I made a decision, alluded to in the last post, that is wreaking havoc with my life. Correction, the comfort levels in my life.

I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. Or so exhausted. Yet, that may be a good thing.

Yet, I must remember:

Stable is that step backwards between successful and failing.

So, it is time to run with this.

Let me explain. I decided to let my stepsister move in with me temporarily/quasi-permanently to give her a fresh start. In the two short weeks she’s been here, she feels safe, she’s found a job, and she’s starting to believe in herself again. She’s getting the opportunity she was not able to find in the small town she was raised in, and that she eventually burned every bridge in—merely because she was never able to escape any of the judgments of her past.

Okay, I’m not naïve. It is very possible that is not the only reason. Yet everyone deserves another chance. A real one

So, it’s time to run with this.

At this moment, she wants to be better. She wants to work. She wants to make some money. She wants her own place. She wants her own car. She wants to be getting closer to goals again.

And my life? Well, such that it is, I can give her the support she needs. I see some of myself in her. Maybe, just maybe, helping her will give me that kick in my ass to help myself.

She is aware of my goals. She knows I want to be better—and that I want my own life back. She wants to keep moving forward, and not hold me back. She knows I intend to be gone by this time next year.

So, right now, we’re rocking the good days. And taking it one day at a time. I’m investing in her, and ready to invest in myself again.

As exhausted as I am, and as much as I’m craving my solitude... karma seems to be indicating I am doing a good thing.

As long as we keep moving forward. Making progress. One day at a time.

What i'm listening to:

Devil Woman
Cliff Richard
I’m Nearly Famous

I never said I was smart. I’m not particularly good at chess. Or poker.

Add to that, my tendency to get involved with hard luck cases. This, my friends, is a recipe for disaster.

Now, I find myself in a situation where I can’t see the end of it. I haven’t planned the endgame. Apparently, I don’t know how.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m depressed. I’m avoiding people. I’m avoiding work.

I’m totally lost. I’m a mark. I’m the one that gets asked favors, because I rarely say “no,” and my word means something. A friend of mine says I have integrity.

Yet, I seem to lack balls.

I have not yet decided if I’ll air my dirty laundry in this space. I suppose that decision will arrive when the consequences of my agreeing to this favor play out... which may be a long time coming.

I’m far from a religious man, but it wouldn’t hurt to send me some good vibes. Karma’s going to owe me one for taking her in.

How bad is it?

It’s like blowing the head gasket in your car. The car may still run, even well, but you need to get it replaced.