I told another lie today.

I told you I don’t want to see you. When that’s all I want. Is to see you.

I said I don’t want to feel like a charlatan. What if I am a charlatan? Will it be okay to feel like one then?

No, I want to see you. What I don’t want, is for you to see me like this. Agonizing. Over what I have done. How I have arrived here.

I am grateful to have met you. To share a part of your life. I may have made poor decisions in my life, yet they have led me to you.

I am not ready, however. I may never be. So few have influenced me in this way. So few have made me wish I had handled this ages ago. Poured the lies onto a page. Burned every bridge. So I can show up with you. So I can be the man who excites you. Who brings you joy. Who lights up your eyes and flushes your cheeks and makes you wet.

I want to see you. I want to explore every inch of you. I want to taste you. I want to delve deep inside you.

If only I could tell you…

Another one:

Come on, baby, don't say maybe / I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me / We may lose, and we may win / Though we will never be here again

How have I known ALL of the words all of this time, yet never really listened?

Just wow. What a great way to live!

What i'm listening to:

Take It Easy
Eagles
Eagles

Perhaps, for the first time, I understand increased awareness.

This. This is how blocked I have been. My entire life. Profoundly sad, really. No wonder I am alone. In my head. Safe. Because they know me in here.

No. I’m not really safe in here. Only demons live inside my head. Telling me why I’ll never keep her. Or have her.

Or succeed. Or fail. Because, why try?

I’m safe. Because, they know me in here.

Everything. Is a lie. God damn it.

Anyway, today, I am listening to a song. It’s an old song… one I’ve known practically my entire life.

Yet, never had I ever imagined—actually imagined—the sight, the sounds, the smell, the taste, and OMG, the feeling! of “makin’ love at midnight, at the dunes, on the cape.”

Not once.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? Correction, was.

Breathe. Let it go. You see her now. On the sand. Inviting you.

Now I understand. Truly. Don’t let this go.

What i'm listening to:

Escape (The Piña Colada Song)
Rupert Holmes
Partners in Crime