Well, congratulate me... finals are done!

I actually think i did well, which is amazing considering the things that have been going on in my life.

And what i have been putting my mind through.

Anyway, i had a pleasant surprise... a major surprise... when i turned on my computer after the final. Let's just say there was an email waiting for me.

Now i'm conflicted.

People who know me know that i don't lie. That's not to say i cannot, but it is mostly to say i will not.

I have been known to exaggerate, to omit, to err... and i am fantastic at keeping secrets and surprising people. However, when i am asked a question outright, i will either tell you or reserve the right to say nothing at all. Of course, the latter can often be the same as an admission of guilt.

Yesterday, i lied. Whether that means i crossed a line i never would have crossed, i don't know... but i was walking down a hallway and someone asked how i was doing.

Until yesterday, i've been brutally honest. I've said i was lousy. Life sucks. Terrible. Miserable.

I suppose i just got tired of saying i'm lousy. Sometimes i was able to say it with a smile that suggests they don't want to know, sometimes it led to an involved discussion.

Of course, yesterday, my response was ok.

I have been working things out, so maybe i'm starting to try to convince myself i'm ok.

That may not have been my biggest transgression.

You see, i have missed C. A lot! In my last email i said some things. At the time, i believe everything was true. I was having a good day, and i said that i was strong enough to go on without her.

I said i don't want to get back together.

Mostly it was a letter about friendship. I've been feeling that i miss her as a friend more than as a lover... and to some degree, truer words were never said.

And that day... a sunny and warm day when i was feeling strong... i probably felt ready to move on. Today, not so much.

Anyway, she surprised me with an email today. I can take some comfort in her words. She's not bitter as i feared. She hasn't moved on yet. She still seems to be the girl i became hopelessly devoted to.

The girl who seems to be making me certifiable.

The girl who has me asking the question, at least to myself: Do i want to get back together?

I don't know if i know how to not be in love with her.

Overall, a good day... but there are new questions for me to ponder.

What i'm listening to:

Turn to Stone
Electric Light Orchestra
Out of the Blue

Welcome to my study break.

I find i have to take a break, because i am being distracted by the fellow in the corner who is singing along to the music on his "too loud" earbuds.

For those of you who aren't in the know... i am going for my bachelor's degree in history. As a class requirement, this semester i am taking a fascinating class called American Religious History.

I believe i have stated before, i've never been a spiritual man. I suppose you could say i've always considered myself a deist.

A deist is someone who believes in a higher power, but doesn't necessarily believe that higher power influences day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute events. I suppose the best example is that of a great clock maker. The clock has been built, wound up, and left to do whatever.

However, while i still believe this primarily, i have been giving a lot of thought to what is missing in my life. I have spent a lot of energy filling my life with things i thought would make me happy. I've spent a lot of energy and resources on material things... which seem to give me little long-term satisfaction.

I've spent a lot on becoming educated. I know that i'm intelligent, and i believe it is not possible for me to know too much. Hence this new stint at university... i just hope that somehow it can help me in the long term.

I've invested a lot in love. This one i thought would ultimately payoff... but in the end something went horribly wrong and i have been left with this feeling of loneliness. At least, that's how i feel when i feel anything... largely i've just been numb.

In a way, a new conflict has been building inside of me. Perhaps i should wax philosophically, and figure out what i've done, and how or if it really matters! After all, does anything we do really matter?

I think that it is only arrogance that makes a person matter beyond the scope of himself/herself. However, because i am the only person to which i matter... i owe it to myself to be as happy as i possibly can... as content, as successful.

Then i get to thinking about religion. Perhaps by awakening my spiritual side, i'll find that piece that has been missing throughout everything. Anyone who knows me can attest that i've always seemed like i'm looking for something.

Maybe i just don't know what that is.

My history professor would be proud of me for taking this opportunity to reflect. In our society, that is one thing that is missing in life... people are so busy following "the man's" clock that they are unable to take enough time to reflect. To find themselves.

However, i should probably pause in my reflecting and get back to my history studying. One more final... then anything is possible!

What i'm listening to:

Behind These Hazel Eyes
Kelly Clarkson
Breakaway