Do people tend to move towards what they want? Or away from what they don’t want?

And is it okay to say which you are doing?

Maybe it depends on where you are approaching this want/don’t want from?

We definitely come from different backgrounds. In spite of it, we’ve really grown to know each other. Probably better than anyone else. Including family and closest friends.

I know I’m wrong in wanting her to show me she wants me. After all, we’re both able to leave at any moment. And maybe she doesn’t want me. Maybe she still wants him. Is that any of my business?

Does anything make that my business? Cohabitation, for instance?

I don’t know. I just know that it’s wrong to put myself in a position where I need her validation. Because either of us can walk away from this. At any moment.

Yet, am I also wrong in thinking that if she wanted me, she’d have no problem showing me? Telling me?

Then there’s the belief that if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. Are we really that simple as humans?

Instead, she says she’s done. She is tired of the question. A question that hasn’t been answered.

I know what I want. And now, I want to move on. I want to get back to my travels. There is still a lot to see out there.

She has a life to rebuild. An identity to rebuild. Both, she can do as ably without me as with me. Plus, she needs to reassert her independence.

So, she is done. I can only respond with “I understand.” And now we sit. In the tension.

The temptation to break the stalemate is strong. Lord, I wanted it to be her. I’ve said it many times over the last week.

Yes. Past tense. I no longer see a way we can make this work.

I love the woman. Her body. Her mind. Her heart. Her soul.

She is, however, stuck. The music she listens to reminds her what a piece of shit she is. She longs for her past. Her youth. A time when she ruled this town. She isolates. Hides from the world. From life. Protecting her reputation, that frankly, is not real.

She’s not ready to accept that this old man will dedicate his body, mind, heart, and soul to her. And perhaps that was my folly to even try.

Love them. Fuck them. Build memories. Give a damn. And remember: they can leave tomorrow. Your life better survive it. People switch up. Feelings die. Promises expire.

And learn to live in this tension. I know I wasn’t able to save her. I always knew who she was, and I loved her anyway. And she loved me.

When we weren’t performing, it was actually… incredible.

But, life is a performance. She will continue. And now I will too.

The man who is moving on. Leveling up. Adding boundaries. No more Mr. Nice Guy, as it were.

Lord, I loved you. And I can no longer stand here while you keep fighting me on everything.

And I wonder who will relieve the pressure. Who will call whom first? Tick Tock.

What i'm listening to:

Everything She Wants
Wham!
Make It Big