My shit’s fucked up? Well, that goes without saying, but yours more.

Oops, I did it again. I need a hobby. A distraction.

The girls in my life adore me. Yet they don’t want to consume me. They adore me for what I am when they meet me.

And what that is… is genuine. Things happen fast. Push me outside of my comfort zone. That’s good, right?

Until I get lost. I don’t know if it’s OCD, or the day, or the moon, or that blues song that plays overhead at work, or my body freaking out and saying, “Run away!” but something shifts. And she becomes my obsession.

I am not eating. I am not drinking. I am not sleeping. I am not reading. (I am clearly writing.)

I need a hobby.

So, I go out. And meet more girls. Bring a few home. Fuck. Rinse. Repeat.

I find I’m understanding Hank Moody on a new level. I’ve gone deep.

He’s orbited by all of these beautiful women. With more entering his life all of the time, all the while entering them as well.

Yet, the one he truly wants is just outside of reach. And everything he does to cope dances back and forth across the line between making his life with his adored better—or worse.

Ironically enough, though… a month ago, before my obsession started growing, I was lamenting. We’re never truly ready. You entered my life too soon. I still struggle every day. I am far better than I was two years ago. Or even last fall—but I still have a lot to learn. I am still a fledgling lover.

I was lamenting that I still hadn’t mastered picking up a girl. And taking her home. And waking up beside her.

(And wanting that with her. Life is complicated, however.)

Now? Well, I am figuring that out. I am loved, and loving. With everyone, but her.

I am certain she still adores me, yet while I continue to obsess—and hide my flaws and brokenness—I will lose her. And seeking solace in all of the other women may not fill the void.

At least it’s a hobby. Something to do. Getting my mind off of her, four seconds at a time.

My fantasy / has turned to madness / and all my goodness / has turned to badness...

What i'm listening to:

My Obsession
Icehouse
Man of Colours