Today, I needed a change of scenery. And I was rewarded.

I haven’t been embracing chaos. As much as I believe in entropy, why won’t I let go and simply allow things to happen?

A friend recently suggested it’s a fear of rejection. Hmmm…

At other times, I’ve considered it a fear of failure. Others, a fear of success.

Yet, that’s not quite it.

Today, the light blub came on. It’s all about. Control.

More specifically: a fear of losing control.

Hmmm.

We’re getting closer. What if, it’s a fear of surrender?

Relinquishing control.

Which is interesting. And ironic. How much control do we really have?

Plus, there is power in surrender. In accepting the chaos. On your own terms. Surrender can be guided. Nudged towards desired outcomes.

Letting the butterfly enjoy you, as much as you enjoy her.

Forever only exists for those who don’t try to force it.

So, with this new awareness, what’s next?

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to proceed. All I know, is I would like very much to see her. To spend time with her. Every moment she’ll give me.

It hurts to be aware of the possibility that she has already given me every moment. That she’s not my girl. That I’ll miss her, even if she’s sitting right next to me—already checked out. Why does my mind fast forward to that? And imagine that, especially when she’s sitting right next to me? What signal does that thought broadcast?

And it’s possible she’s not my girl.

Yet, when will I know for certain? There are moments, in my past, when I’ve tended to tell myself she’s not my girl, solely to protect myself. From pain. From surrendering. From simply letting.

I am certain of those moments, because the sin of regret sets in. Did I really leave nothing to chance? Was I veiling my desires?

Am I still? Not because I DON’T want her… but because I don’t want to lose this perception of control. I don’t want to let it happen.

I want her. How can I persuade myself to surrender to whatever happens? And why do I have this persistent image of the world burning around me?

What is next?

What i'm listening to:

It Might Be You
Stephen Bishop
Sleeping with Girls