I am not a legend. I’m a fraud.

Three recent reads have torn the veil around my soul… such that it is. After all, I have blue eyes, and blue-eyed people have no soul.

In her second book, Langley re-introduced me to the idea of limbo—yet with a fresh take on it.

Limbo is an unconscious state. When people are in limbo they believe they have no control over their feelings, which is why their feelings can be so easily manipulated.

So, limbo is like a holding pattern. And like many… I am content to stay there. And do nothing.

Often, I find solitude therapeutic. However, this time I’m being hounded by my saboteur. She’s calling me a “Viejo.” She’s reminding me just how unworthy I usually feel. Which is where Chapman’s book attacks.

To request a toy was to receive a lecture on the sad state of family finances. The child went away feeling guilty for having the desire, and he quickly learned not to express his desires.

Hence the fog I find myself living in most days. At least the days when I am between purposes. My desires have been suppressed to the point where I don’t even believe I have desires. And I don’t know how to express them. And they simply evaporate when the lovely lady the expressions are directed toward… evaporates.

And here I sit. In my cottage. In the woods. Between purposes.

I set a handful of goals over the summer. All have been achieved, or at least run their course. And I enjoyed a thirteen week course designed to change my life.

In many ways it did. I am not the same person I was before… yet…

We’re at the end of the thirteen weeks. My mind has returned to neutral.

You can see why happiness can be so elusive. The mind is only “happy” when attention is focused on something, because otherwise it has nothing to do. When the mind has nothing to do it seeks out and creates problems in order to find something to do. This is why people are constantly striving for things, as well as why they become restless and unhappy after they get the things for which they have been striving. Therefore, the final attainment of a pursuit can never bring happiness, because our attention is only focused during the attainment process.

This. Is what my mind is doing. It is reminding me of my wasted youth. Reminding me I am unworthy. That I am not funny. It is taking me to some very dark places… void of desire. And beauty.

I’m not writing. I’m not exercising. I’m not running, nor walking. I’m not fucking. I’m not even drinking. Nor eating.

Old legends never die. They just lose weight.

Looks like a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike…

It’s like I’m simply waiting. Yet what I am waiting for will not find me. In my cottage. In the woods.

I must go for a run. Kelly is right when she says a run in the morning makes the day better. Being one with nature. And defeating your internal saboteur.

And I must remember to seek beauty. Every. Day. Witnessing beauty lights me up. And I clearly light her up when we meet.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.