The word never is a very interesting and a very powerful word.

The dictionary lists this as a definition:

nev•er adv. 1. not ever, at no time. 2. not in any degree, not under any circumstances.

For instance, i can say that i have never enjoyed coffee. I can say i have never seen Europe, or that i have never read a Jackie Collins novel, or that i have never cheated on my girlfriend.

But, once i find a coffee i enjoy, i can never again say that... or tour Budapest, or read one of those trashy novels.

Or cheat.

Thinking about the latter is affecting me very deeply. I don't know what happened, but the more i think about the last time we were together, the more i wonder if she hadn't cheated.

She always said she'd never cheat. She couldn't. I believed her.

And maybe she didn't. Only she knows for sure.

But, if she did... how does that weigh upon her soul? Will she always think about it? Will she always feel guilty for giving into temptation which led to her casting aside the best thing to ever happen to her?

What will she be capable of next? Once we cross a line, can we ever go back?

Now that we are no longer together, she is free to do whatever with whomever. But does that do anything to ease the guilt?

Between her being someone's puppet and perhaps giving in to this... how can i deal with it? It is so hard to stand by and watch someone you love make choices they would never make, do things they would never do, cross lines they would never cross.

I have never been a very spiritual man, but this has been tearing at my soul. I honestly don't know how to get past this... because i have this need to know she will be ok, safe, and cared for.

I've been told that i will gradually think about her less as time goes on. Eventually, i will notice that i didn't think about her for an hour, an afternoon. Someday i will notice i didn't think about her for a day, then a weekend.

The fact i am dwelling on this like i am, i have been told, means i am a good man with a good heart. If good things happen to good people, how come something so terrible happened to me? I still believe she can be a good person, but i believe someone has misguided her moral compass... and depending on what she has done, she may be afraid there is no way back.

I don't believe she ever wanted to end it with me. Everything she did and every decision she made happened so fast.

And the emails i've been recieving are not hers. There are subtle nuances that are missing... these are not her words.

I know what she is doing and i cannot believe it will lead to her happiness. I cannot believe that she can find with this person what she had with me.

Perhaps this is why i am going crazy. When put to the test, i'm finding that my moral compass is strong... but i feel such an overwhelming sadness for her because i feel she is losing her way. She is crossing lines she would never have crossed. She would never have betrayed me... but she has.

Perhaps she is correct, perhaps we can never work. Betrayal takes time to get over. Betrayal can leave a grudge. I just need to be strong and optimistic. Someday she will get hurt again, i can only hope she knows she can call me.

Please take care of yourself and be safe, C. You will always have a friend if you need one. You will always have a place to stay.