I'm stuck.

That's the best way to describe it. I just lack motivation lately... to do anything.

Anything at all.

The downside of this is that I have a project looming overhead for school, which I am making progress on... but not as much as I'd like to be making.

I get distracted too easily. I'm not sure what I'll need to do to regain my focus. A big part of the problem is that I have so many things on my list to do... I need to sit down and break them into smaller and more manageable tasks, then set a timeline for the tasks.

Yet, I'm not motivated to do that either. Bleah.

Oddly, I cannot blame this state of inactivity on being too social, since I haven't been going out. I can't blame it on sleeping too much, since I haven't been sleeping.

So, what have I been doing?

I spend a lot of time sitting in a chair and staring into space. I don't even have music going most of the time.

What's wrong? I know what I need to do... I just don't know how to find that spark of motivation to get it done.

I've been working out more than anything... so at least part of my routine is surviving. However, my workouts have been frustrating. It feels like my metabolism has slowed down.

Get this: In mid-summer, I was weighing in at 157 lbs. and I was running 2.2 miles before I would have to walk a lap or two.

Now? I weighed in at 168 lbs. last night. I was able to make it 0.4 miles before I was so winded I had a death rattle.

It's an interesting situation, because I have bad knees and ankles. If I get too heavy, I'll have to quit running and switch to something with lower impact. However, I like running and I really don't like the way elliptical machines make me feel... but if I don't keep doing cardio exercise, I'm going to reverse all of the fat-burning I've done in the past.

True, some of the weight gain has been muscle. However, when I look at the muffin top, I know that it isn't all muscle. I even have a couple of pairs of pants that no longer fit.

Perhaps it is this "crisis" I'm putting myself through that is tainting my mental state.

Maybe I need some drama in my life again. I dropped a lot of weight the last time, and found motivation to get my shit together.

Now, I'm just like... meh.

I'll figure it out. I truly believe I just needed to write this down... and next I can reframe it into a "How do I fix this?" state.

No worries. All is not lost, but I need to stop this backsliding before I create a major situation for myself! I know I can fix this... I just need to do it.

Analysis paralysis is a bitch!

Finally, the quote of the day. Incidentally, this is what I'm using for my monologue in acting class.

You know, I think I understand what you're like now. You're very beautiful, and you think men are only interested in you because you're beautiful, but you want them to be interested in you because you're you. The problem is, aside from all that beauty, you're not very interesting. You're rude, you're hostile, you're sullen, you're withdrawn. I know you want someone to look past all that at the real person underneath, but the only reason anyone would bother to look past all that is because you're beautiful. Ironic, isn't it? In an odd way, you're your own problem.

I keyed it in from memory, did I get it right? It's a Jack Nicholson line from Wolf.

What i'm listening to:

Year of the Cat
Al Stewart
Year of the Cat