Why do i feel like i'm going nowhere?

I really am sorry for going emo again... i'm not sure what's going on with me or how to fix it. It could be the change of the seasons... but it's probably just the fact that i have so many things i want to do and never enough time to do them.

If only i could either kick that annoying sleep habit... or not have to go to the job anymore. Personally, i would prefer the latter! =^)

I know part of the problem is the loneliness. In fact, that's a pretty big part of the problem. I haven't heard from R or D... or C for that matter (not that i expect to hear from her again, so much for being "friendly", eh?).

I'm finding that i'm missing C again. Unfortunately that sends my mind into 'if' hell again... i always believed that i wouldn't be upset if she were to leave me for someone better. If she had "traded up," if you will.

Well, she didn't "trade up." That troubles me.

Moving on... i've been working out too much. At least, i might be. Last night, i couldn't finish my workout. I just hit a point where i was tired and couldn't lift what i'd been lifting. I did manage to find some energy left over to run a few laps... so the evening wasn't a complete waste.

I slept fairly well last night, for a change. I even had a dream... and she wasn't in it at all, which was another refreshing surprise!

I'm looking forward to this weekend... while i *should* probably stay at the house and get some things done there, i've got another therapy weekend planned out of town. If memory serves, where i'm going doesn't even allow me a cell phone signal... so i'll have plenty of time to do nothing.

Will it be an effort not to think, to reflect, to make even more go away?

Last weekend, i tried some new foods for their nutritional qualities. There were bananas, brazil nuts and dark chocolate, all of which are supposed to help enhance my mood. To give my skin a "glow," i've been eating almonds. To help me feel more full and keep my blood sugar balanced, i've been eating apples. I even bought some raspberries... but the mold got to them before i could. Bleah!

Anyway, eating new things seems to have thrown my diet out of whack. Beyond that it is hard to explain... although the mood swing might have something to do with it though. Hmm... if some of those foods really work as "mood lifters" i must REALLY be down!

I need to pursue new music again like i did over the summer. Maybe some upbeat electronica with no lyrics. I do fine as long as i cannot relate to the lyrics.

Forget that, i need to just get out and socialize and meet people. I just wish i knew how... i wish i enjoyed being out there. I think it is my desire to stay in my shell that will keep me alone. It was very nice when there was someone sharing the space in my li'l shell... but she was a rarity i fear. Maybe there is another women who enjoy spending all of her time (or at least most) with her man... thinking about her man. The big question is, how do i meet her if she is as "shut-in" as i am?

If only C would not have lost her faith... in God, in herself, in us. But she has.

What i'm listening to:

Deeper and Deeper
Madonna
Erotica