I decided to give the Tinder app on my phone another shot. Why not, right?

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve discovered that Tinder is apparently no longer for “hooking up,” at least not in this area of the midwest. Nothing like reading Match profile after Match profile, all clarifying “no hook ups.”

Yet, these gals are getting it wrong. Most have text asking guys to message with questions or even just to say, “Hi.” Unless I’m missing something, Tinder doesn’t allow you to message someone who hasn’t swiped right for you.

It’s not supposed to.

I played with Tinder a few years ago, and ended up messaging back and forth with a lonely gal who was there for conversation. As if you cannot find conversation in other places... Facebook (oh, but I can’t accept a friend request if I don’t know the person), for instance.

So, how do you use the app to actually MEET people? Time will tell the tale.

How I envisioned the app working is: See girl you find adequate, swipe right, get match notification when she swipes right, share little white lies to each other to boost attractability, get logistics, hook up.

I know people who do this? What is in their profiles? Where are these girls? Why are all the girls I see looking for:

Spontaneous, fun girl who loves the outdoors, KU Basketball and trying new things. Feed me pizza and I’ll love you forever. If you don’t want to take the time to get to know me, swipe left. Not here for pen pals or Snapchat sexting. Looking for friends first, then we’ll see where things go. Oh, and I probably swiped right for your dog.

Talk about mixed messages... that don’t matter anyway, because she swiped left on your profile.

Of course, what you write for a profile matters... a little. If you don’t have a solid picture showing that girls at least “like” you, they won’t take the extra tap to see what you’re about. Some of us DO have a face for radio.

So, you have to write something catchy. Something that states intent without stating intent. Something truthful enough to pull off. Although the end goal remains the same: the hook up. Channel your inner Tucker Max.

As someone who has great success meeting women in real life, the Tinder experience leaves me a bit cold.

And I may have figured out why.

Women are not wired to be attracted to looks. They want a sense of humor and someone who’ll make them feel safe and secure. Yet, the quick swipe nature of Tinder encourages them to make quick judgements, and the extra tap to read what a guy is about is an obstacle. So, most girls swipe right on “hot” guys. The “hot” girls anyway.

Men, on the other had, are clearly what the Tinder interface is designed for. Men are looking for the perfect combination of tits, ass, and appearance. If she’s “hot,” we didn’t do the extra tap to see if she’s looking for a saint, sinner, hook up, or a billionaire hubby, we just swiped right.

And girls & guys alike wonder why catfishing runs wild.

It seems there might be a way to use Tinder to bridge this gap... hmm.

And don’t even get me started on the bots. If anything, the bots teach you how to message the real girls, because once you ascertain you’re chatting with a bot, you can say anything.

Fool, why aren’t you saying ANYTHING to the real girls. Be you. Be funny. Meeting others isn’t supposed to be so hard.

Maybe no one likes sex anymore.

But it’s fun, so I’ll keep on swiping for now.

What i'm listening to:

Get Out of My Way
Kylie Minogue
Aphrodite