I would like to get married.

It's funny, because that was never a high priority. Yes, i did entertain the notion back when C and i were still together. In fact, we even discussed it on occasion.

Too bad she had to send those mixed signals. When we were together, she consistently insisted that she didn't want to get married. It wasn't until this August that i found out she had always wanted 'the ring.'

I suppose one could argue that i now know the reason why she didn't want to get married.

Anyway, i'll admit that now i'm a bit afraid of marriage. I'm afraid that the death of this relationship has left me feeling the way C felt when the relationship started getting serious.

I am deathly afraid i will always be alone. I used to enjoy being alone so much, but i really enjoyed having C around. That was a pleasant surprise to this loner! Now, i just long for that day when i'll have someone to share my time with again.

But thinking about marriage. I want to break the trends of numbers... i only intend to do it once. However, what scares me there is that if someone who is so hopelessly in love with me that she would marry me can give in to temptation and sleep with another man... what hope is there that a marriage can work?

I know i'm overanalyzing again. That, and i'm sure i've posted something about this before.

I guess i'm just trying to find a balance i can live with. I want to fall in love again... but i don't want to feel like there is an underlying reason. I'm afraid the next time, there is no way the love will be as pure or innocent as my relationship with C was. I don't know what her intentions were, but for me it all just happened... and it was such a wonderful whirlwind.

I feel like the next time around it will be tainted... just because the next relationship will have that underlying agenda. Maybe this is just crazy?

Yes, maybe it is... the short tryst with T, which also just happened, was pretty wonderful. I wasn't looking at the time, she just seemed very interested... and she was. And she was wonderful!

So, i suppose it is irrational to start looking for a woman to date... or even to marry. She will probably be one of those things that i won't be able to find as long as i am looking for her, but instead will pop up when i least expect it!

That wouldn't be so scary if there were actually women in my life right now!

I'm so scared of becoming my father. C proved that i am able to love... i don't want to get burned to the point that i not only no longer love... but no longer really even feel.

What i'm listening to:

Animal
Def Leppard
Hysteria