I am not a successful person.

There, I’ve said it. Am I a failure? Perhaps... time will ultimately tell.

Maybe I just needed to see it. On the page. I am not a successful person.

Why? I want to be. Don’t I? I want to someday live the good life and not scrape by from paycheck to paycheck.

Today, I had a hard lesson. As banking customers, we’d like to think that we matter to these institution. However, the cold, hard reality is that we don’t. Well, most of us don’t.

The BANK was more than willing to lose me over a matter of $35. Why? Because they still have me. I owe on a line of credit. I owe on a credit card. Sure, I can simply pay these off never pay them another penny.

Or, I can stop paying on them, let them get charged off of their roles, and eventually settle for 20-30¢ on the dollar.

However, my mortgage is also with the BANK. Refinancing my home to tear my mortgage away from the BANK is a costly and inconvenient option. Plus, with where my credit is today, I’ll probably be unable to secure the decent rate I have with the BANK.

They don’t want me, but they’re stuck with me just like I’m stuck with them. Shit.

So, all I can do is pour myself another drink... light another cigarette and try to determine where everything went wrong. Try to determine if there is a solution.

Too many problems, not enough solutions.

Of course, would’ve and could’ve play prominently in my mind. Yes, I was stupid to obtain a credit card right after high school. Yes, I was stupid to subsidize my living with these cards when times were tight. However, there was always the future... so bright.

So bright.

Today, I cannot even imagine the future. It’s a hole. A long, dark, empty hole.

At this point, I had hoped to be able to purchase a new car. A vacation in Europe. Travel. See the world. Think about retiring.

Instead, I hope to be able to purchase a hamburger for lunch. Heat to sleep comfortably. Gas to get to work. This is the American dream?

I suppose I deserve this. For years, I was on the right track. I believed I was better than everyone else. I was going to make it through sheer determination and will.

Well, friends... that’s where I’m not a successful person.

Sheer determination? Fail. Will? Fail. I am an emotional person. My emotions get in the way of my determination. My fear of success gets in the way of my will. I get comfortable and stay there way too long. By the time discomfort starts, I’m not together enough to figure out my options and embrace change.

Pete Campbell had it right: “Stable is that step backwards between successful and failing.”

Except, in my case, I settled for stable. I haven’t pushed through to successful. Maybe, I thought I was being less selfish thinking I don’t want it all. Or, maybe, I was afraid.

When times were good, I’d cockily refer to the line, “There’s no point in living, if you can’t feel alive.” I know that the world is not enough. I know that wanting it all is good.

What I don’t know... is how to get it.