I am broken. Lost. Heartless. Soulless.

Mindless? Maybe. Maybe that’s next.

The best way to describe what I’m going through is an operating system crash. Too much information. Unable to process it. To reconcile.

Kate. Oh, Kate. What are you doing to me? What are you trying to show me?

Last week, Kate tells me that, as humans, our capacity for self-deception is our greatest curse. That things are not as we believe they are.

You see, for the last month, since Clarissa and I parted ways, Kate has been trying to convince me that it was never love. Clarissa never loved me—to Kate’s credit, this may be true. How will I know? And that I never loved Clarissa.

Because I have had so little love in my life, that this relationship wasn’t love at all.

Kate is investing a lot of energy in this. Why?

Am I a fool for refusing to believe this? Am I worshiping an idol of Clarissa? Lord...

Knowing and loving are never simple. We are creatures of delusion and we are tempted by idolatry. Knowing and loving demand choice and resolution. There is a detachment in every attachment, an emptying that precedes every filling, a death in every life.

And then, there was Amy, who took a turn roasting me last week as well. Amy insisted that I bring nothing to Clarissa’s life. Or the life of Clarissa’s little girl. Nothing.

I need male friends. Women are highly emotional, and I can see Amy projecting her needs, wants and desires onto Clarissa. Clarissa knows what she had, and what I brought to the table. That isn’t the reason for the split.

Or is it?

I cannot speak for Clarissa, yet I know I showed her genuine love. I saw through this woman’s façade, and she blossomed for me.

Yet, we’re told if something is too good to be true, it probably is. Plus, she was ashamed of me. I get it. A significant age gap is hard to sell to your peer group.

We tell ourselves stories all of the time. Why not tell myself she’s into me?

It certainly made for a better story.

She was. Into me. I know this woman better than anyone. And she knows me. Is this a delusion? Maybe I should ask her?

So, I’ve been bumbling through this transition, believing the relationship was real. To me, it was. Do I hope she finds a love that sees her like I did? Absolutely! Do I want to be around to witness it? Not a chance. In hell.

The love we shared on our last night together was real. I’ll die on this hill.

And I have yet to kiss another. Is that weird?

Then, they say everything happens for a reason. Another old axiom. So many use it as an excuse to escape accountability. Are our choices really ours? Perhaps not.

My sister recently celebrated a birthday—one year sober. Congratulations, Melissa. This is a tremendous accomplishment! And certainly not an easy one in the world we live in. As such, she invited me (and the family) to her baptism yesterday morning. I was thrilled to share this with her!

Some days, I wish I could find solace in scripture. Community in church. What happened to my operating system? All I see is indoctrination. Thinking instead of feeling. I was reminded why...

Yesterday’s sermon was around the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians. Chapter six. Verses twelve through twenty. I remembered it instantly. It ruined my life when I was young.

¹² “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be enslaved by anything. ¹³ “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. ¹⁴ And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. ¹⁵ Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I therefore take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! ¹⁶ Do you not know that he who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two shall become one.” ¹⁷ But he who is united to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. ¹⁸ Shun immorality. Every other sin which a man commits is outside the body; but the immoral man sins against his own body. ¹⁹ Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

There I was. Standing in shame. Finding myself envious of the Greeks who enjoyed sex as part of worship. Imagining every curve—every inch, every pore—of Clarissa’s body. And feeling enormous, useless guilt for it. Recalling countless conversations with Clarissa. And with Kate. About shame and sexuality and no answers.

We ARE animals. We have these urges and impulses for a reason. We are horny—often! What are we to do?

Think our way out of it?

No wonder everyone I know is mad!

Unhandled exception, indeed.

So, here I sit. Unable to do anything. I can’t eat. I can’t concentrate. I can’t read. Trying to “reason.” Trying to “feel.”

Was it an illusion?

Did I waste her time? Did I waste my own? How do I find love without knowing love? How do I gain experience without experience? How do I start again with someone new when I am still so deep with the last one?

How do I process this? Do I process this?