I wish i knew why i was so bloody fatigued lately...

I suspect it is because i haven't had a drink in a couple of weeks now. Don't misconstrue that... i'm not saying that i'm craving it, or that i'm having DT's or anything. In fact, the last couple of weeks i've reaffirmed to myself that i'm not (yet) an alcoholic.

However, when i don't have a drink before i go to bed, i dream about C. It doesn't matter whether the dreams are good or bad... in fact, they've been both... but when i dream of her it inevitably wakes me up.

And the last few nights i've stayed up later and later... because i don't want the dreams. I'm doing fantastic with my waking consciousness... just wish i could fix dreamland.

However, last night i was told something that struck me as rather profound. Love isn't a feeling, isn't an emotion. Love penetrates the soul.

So, to just rip it out... it is no wonder it hurts! And even when the hurt is gone, it will take a long time to heal.

Tonight i'll go out... it has been a while, but i did ok on my Art History exam yesterday, so i think i earned it. Then we'll see if i get better sleep tonight.

Last night was rather frustrating, because i hit a state of near-total exhaustion in my workout... in fact i couldn't finish (only by one machine, so that's not too bad). However, i've felt this way before in previous weeks when i've missed sleep for whatever reason, which is why i start from a different section of the list every workout.

I am impressed with how i feel... and how i look! My arms are still a bit on the scrawny side, but now i see that they don't have to stay that way. My legs are huge and tight... even have some muscle definition i hadn't seen in ten years. Of course, i'm lighter than i was in high school... and i believe i'm in the best shape of my life.

It can only get better. I want to tone my upper body. I don't want to get BIG, but to have some of those muscular curves in my arms, shoulders and torso... would be fantastic!

I don't watch what i eat enough to get the 'six-pack'... but we'll see if i get to a point where i want to change that.

But this morning i was alarmed at how weak i felt... i'm sure it is the fatigue. At least i'm not slipping into depression, but i'm worried that if i don't find some energy i'll start yo-yo-ing again.

Then i checked my email. R emailed me! I can't believe she's making me feel like a schoolboy with a crush when i see her name in my email box... i just hope i'll know how to conduct myself. I'm not going to be able to help proceeding with caution because i'll protect myself from getting hurt again so soon... but i am excited, and i feel like this is a step in the right direction.

I don't know if it's providence or a guardian angel or what... because i never was one to believe things happen for a reason... but i think maybe this could be a very good thing!

Funny how people change... how i have found a balance between making things happen and taking advantage of whatever providence sends my way.

Tonight i'll have to watch last night's Gilmore Girls (the reviews don't have me looking forward to it) and Nip/Tuck, and finish Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (two chapters to go)... after i get some reading done in my history book. Am i too busy to go out?

Nah! =^)

What i'm listening to:

True Faith
New Order
Substance