I don't know what is wrong with me. It could be the summer cold that kicked my ass most of last week, or maybe the fact that i stayed in the house most of last week because of said cold, or perhaps it is the looming of the impending 'anniversary'...

But whatever it is, i've been relapsing pretty hard. It's almost embarassing to even think about how much i've thought about the failed relationship and she who used to be my best girlfriend.

I don't like the relapses. I'm not sure i like moving on either, but the relapses seem to leave me with nothing but hopelessness and despair. Yuck!

Yesterday, i was thinking about what a "stupid little girl" she's been... throwing it all away to be with someone over twice her age.

Then last night, it occurred to me... for the first time in weeks... that maybe, just maybe, she doesn't hate me. Maybe the truth was simply that her and i loved spending time together so much, and hated spending the rest of the time apart so much... that her decision wasn't based on trying to find someone who makes her as happy as i did as it was finding someone who made her feel at least a little happy, only everyday of her life.

Something that could become more?

But, that doesn't explain her unwillingness to allow me to close this distance between us. Even though she acknowledged that her feelings for me hadn't changed.

Then, this morning, i had the horrible thought that she is setting me up to become her "ideal" , single, fifty-something who has to seduce twenty-somethings to get his rocks off... because at this moment, it feels like i will never find anyone like her.

I don't want to become this guy... no matter how much he appeals to my beloved cupcake. She should be with me, deep down i still believe she knows this... but she will never admit it.

The scariest thing about the relapses? After what she did to me, and how she did it... i know i shouldn't take her back (Yes, i know that is probably never going to be an option...), i shouldn't even consider letting her into my life... but if she called me today, i would.

Not bloody likely... but i would.

And to think... this was going to be a post about how women dress. I plan on going out tonight to begin my new ascent out of the doldrums (thanks again, summer cold!), so there'll be more on that later!

What i'm listening to:

Hit Me with Your Best Shot
Pat Benetar
Crimes of Passion