I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived. — Thoreau

Oh, mom.

I don’t know why it has taken me two years to write this. But it has.

You made everyone’s life around you better. Maybe that’s where I get it from. Life, dedicated to service. Except... you were not necessarily a “people pleaser,” which, unfortunately, is what I have become.

In my case, you couldn’t stand to see me struggle. For better, or worse. How could you have known?

All I do is struggle. More so, since you’ve been gone.

I remember your tales of growing up. Growing up poor. Wanting.

This, you never wanted for me. Want. In many ways, I had everything. In many ways, I have lived. In many ways, I am satisfied.

Yet, the human brain is not wired for satisfaction. We are insatiable. Every one of us.

And, sadly, in protecting me from this world, I did not want for much. In some ways, I still don’t.

I learned to live within my means... even if I became lazy. Yes, lazy. Because I quell my ambition to live within my means, rather than expanding my means to live well. I know your intentions were the best, I just never knew what I never knew. I didn’t learn the lessons. Perhaps life was too easy.

This week, I’ve taken comfort in the fact that I can no longer disappoint my parents.

My behavior is still disappointing, they are just no longer here to witness it.

Sadly, there are serious side effects to be taken care of well into adulthood—aside from the laziness.

I have an extraordinarily guilty conscience. No matter how much I’ll shout from the rooftops that guilt and shame are worthless emotions, I harbor colossal amounts of both. Somehow, I live with these every day.

Never having to struggle has made me naïve. Naïveté could be a superpower. Seriously. I don’t know what I don’t know.

Did I really learn how to balance a checkbook? Especially when money “magically” appeared any time I was overdrawn? I don’t know how to live like an adult. Budget for new things. Create a better life. Live outside of the bedroom.

I’ve watched numerous relationships—with great girls—slip through my fingers like sand... because I was not the one. Each one of these girls deserve better.

Did they find better? A handful did.

It’s a bittersweet blessing to see Ashley thriving. She’s with a good man who provides for her and their children. There is so much love surrounding them. In some ways, I am envious of the glimpses I see of their lives. In others, I am grateful that her and I didn’t work out. I could not have given her the life she has now. I don’t know where to begin!

Today, that wound is gaping. I want to give that life to someone. Anyone. Whether it’s my current young lady, or a future one. Yet, how can I, knowing that each one deserves better? Knowing I cannot provide a rich life?

No one is coming to save me. I understand that. However, that is no way to motivate someone—at least someone like me.

Oh, I wish I knew how to balance life and finances and working. I wish I had real skills to make real money without relying on trends. And smoke and mirrors.

As they say: Wish in one hand and shit in the other... see which one fills up first.

You gave me the best. I know I disappointed you when I only learned how to squander what I was given.

The only lesson I learned was: Life is all about figuring out what one can get away with.

What kind of mindset is that? Is there a limit to what we can get away with? No wonder I resonate with the grifters of this world. And less with those who actually build rewarding lives... while I enjoy rolling around in bed for three days at a time with my love.

Yeah, it’s fun. But neither of us can survive for very long, if that’s the best that I can offer her!

I saw something about ruining one’s life yesterday:

Most people don’t ruin their lives — they slowly delay fixing obvious problems. You can stay busy for years and still move nowhere.

On Christmas day, Clarissa expressed concerns with ruining my life. Her and I are so alike. My life was ruined before we met. It’s why I pull back. She deserves better. No?

Where is my drive to become better? If it exists, it’s anemic enough to make me question if I really want her in my life. Or anyone, for that matter. Hailing back to that question, “Would you date you?” Is there more to life than eating and shitting and sleeping and fucking?

Do I take a step to make my life—our lives—better? Or do I play Robin Hood, and “borrow” from one account to satisfy another? When did I lose my faith?

So, I am aware of where I have gone wrong... what, now, is the next step? Will I have to hit rock bottom, like an addict, to discover a life worth living—and possibly not survive that fall? Or can I find the impulse to take that leap of faith? To share my “gifts” with the world—whatever these may be? Or maybe there is that elusive third option... rebuilding my life now so that it gradually gets better, one step at a time?

Now that I don’t have to be perfect, I can be good. And make my 8-year-old self proud. And his mama.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Thank you, mom, for all you did. I am sorry that I didn’t learn much, for wasting so much, and for all of the disappointments.