“I don’t want to see you again. Seeing you will only remind me that I have failed myself. Yet again.”

I wrote these words down an hour ago. I haven’t sent them anywhere. Why would I?

I lost my alabaster girl Monday night, during an amazing, liberating, and honest five hour conversation. I am sad. I am mourning. I am angry—although I feel I can’t be.

It’s the tale as old as time. As we got to know each other, it was lost. She no longer felt I was going to bend her over and fuck her.

She met someone. And he gave her that feeling.

Now, I feel immortal. My mistakes do too.

So, what’s next? I know the mourning process is normal—I really liked her.

I know I am in a better place than I was even a few months ago. I can start with that “I am going to fuck you energy.” But I can’t maintain it.

My emotions are raging like a tempest. I am not grounded. I feel like a charlatan. This is the worst feeling in the world: Losing her to someone who showed up. And I came through Monday night and Tuesday morning DRIVEN! God damn it, this will never happen to me again!

So, how can I go ahead and allow myself to grieve her loss, without losing myself to defeat? How do I hold on to this “I am going to fuck you energy,” even if it doesn’t happen the first night? As the quality of the women I meet improves, staying the same is no longer an option. I identify what’s wrong, I just don’t know how to hold onto it during the interactions.